The Knife
by Broadway007
Summary: Ziva uses a strange and dangerous way to control the emotions that still haunt her from Somalia. Rated M for language, self harm, and possible "adult themes" in future chapters.
1. Chapter 1

"Is it just me, McGoo, or has Ziva seemed strangely calm since we got back?"

"Tony," McGee replied, not taking his eyes from his computer screen. "She's Mossad, she's used--"

"_Was_ Mossad, Probie. She was Mossad," Tony interjected, resisting the urge to Gibbs slap McGee.

"Okay, she was Mossad. She's used to keeping her cool, used to keeping her emotions under control. She's been through a lot, yeah. But she's strong, Tony. I'm sure she's just fine."

"Who is just fine?" prompted Ziva as she emerged from the elevator with the team's coffee in hand.

"Abby," Tony stated, walking back towards his desk. "She seemed a bit off today," he added, letting no sign show that he had in fact been talking about Ziva.

"Oh," Ziva said sounding perplexed as she handed Tony and McGee their drinks. "Perhaps I should go down to the lab and have some girl talk with her. Girl talk helps, yes?"

"I don't think that'd work with Abby," Tony scoffed.

All of a sudden the team heard their boss's voice booming throughout the bull pen. "Gear up. We've got a dead petty officer in Anacostea. McGee, go grab Ducky. Tony, Ziva, gas the truck."

"Got it, boss!" each member of the team yelled as they scrambled to get to get their gear and follow Gibbs's orders.

Within 20 minutes, the team had pulled up to the crime scene. Each member of the team was doing their respective duties: McGee was bagging and tagging, Tony was taking photographs, and Ziva was combing the crime scene for any traces of evidence.

Tony couldn't stop looking over his shoulder to catch glances at Ziva. She wore a pair of denim trousers that hugged her natural curves and her olive skin looked beautiful when put against the emerald v-neck long sleeved shirt. But it wasn't her apparel that Tony was looking at.

Ever since their return from Somalia, Ziva had seemed different. She still smiled and still taunted Tony, yet the sparkle in her eye was gone. Her face no longer lit up the way it once had. She seemed strangely normal, given the fact that she had spent months being tortured. Tony knew something was wrong, yet he couldn't tell just what it was.

* * *

The team had arrived back at the Navy Yard and had been working franticly since they returned. It was now 2300 and they weren't any closer to solving the case. They had chased leads that lead to no where, sifted through paper trails, and yet nothing came up.

"Go home!" Gibbs barked. "We've gotten no where with this and you guys are of no use to me if you're just sitting at your desks like zombies!" he yelled. "Go home, get some sleep. Forget about the case. Come back on Monday morning and be ready to catch this guy, okay?"

"Got it, boss" Tony, McGee, and Ziva all said at once. McGee grabbed his coat and was heading to the elevator before Tony or Ziva even had the chance to turn their computers off.

"Probie seems to be in a hurry," Tony laughed as he reached for his coat. "How about you, Zeeeh-va?" Tony asked, emphasizing her name. "Ya got any hot dates tonight? Any crazy plans?"

"No, I do not," she replied , pulling her coat over her shoulders and switching her computer off. "I am going to go home, curl up under the covers, and read."

"Read?!" Tony said. "It's Friday night and you're going to go home and _read_? Nuh, uh. I won't allow that," he added as he pushed the down button in the elevator. "How about we go out? Go to the bar and get a few drinks, relax?" he prompted as they walked into the elevator.

"No, thank you," she simply stated, keeping her eyes straight ahead.

"Awe, come on, Zi," Tony whined. "You gotta get out once in a while. It'd be fun, gettin' drunk with your partner, right?" he asked, aiming to give a friendly punch to her shoulder.

But her hand snapped out and grabbed his wrist, twisting it. "I said, I do not want to get drinks with you, Tony," she said just as the elevator doors slid open. Before the doors had even finished opening, Ziva was already briskly walking toward her Mini Cooper.

* * *

Ziva did in fact go home and curl up, yet it wasn't under the covers and reading wasn't what was on her mind. She had changed out of her work clothes into a pair of flannel pajama pants and a plain black tank top.

She lay against the headboard of her bed, her knees pulled tight to her chest. She was fingering one of her knives; a small blade, easily concealed. She twirled the handle watching the light catch the blade as she spun it.

Her cheeks had tear stains running down them, yet as each tear formed she furiously wiped it away.

"Can't even control my own freaking tears," she said in an almost laughing voice.

She set the knife on the bed beside her and she looked down to examine her arms. Long, parallel lines traveled from her inner elbow to her wrist. Each of the lines was perfectly straight, leaving no doubt as to the fact they were self inflicted. Ziva stared at the lines marring her arms, feeling a strange sense of calm rush over her.

After spending months in Somalia being tortured and being out of control of every aspect of her life, she found that taking a knife to her arms was one of the true ways she could be in control. She could control when she did it, where she did it, how deep she did it, how often she did it. Her emotions had been racing in her mind since she had gotten back, and the only way she felt she could slow the emotional pain down was to inflict some sort of physical pain upon herself.

All the memories of the past day flooded into her mind; the way Tony looked at her, the way she couldn't control the reflex to grab his arm and twist it, the way she couldn't even stand to go to a bar with the people she once considered family.

As the memories continued to overpower her, she reached to her side for the knife and slowly picked it up. Gripping the handle, she placed the blade at the crook of her elbow and slowly began to drag it down her forearm. Bright crimson blood droplets sprung from the wound quickly and began to drip down onto her bedding. Ziva knew she was cutting deep, yet she had perfected how deep she could do it without needed medical attention.

Finally, she stopped dragging the blade when it hit her wrist. She put the knife down and stared down at her arm, blood dripping out from the fresh wound. It's true the cut hurt, yet she had experienced worse and actually desired this pain. She controlled it.

Ziva sat there on her bed, watching the blood fall from the wound as the minute hand on her clock ticked. She sat there in a trance for what seemed like ages, yet her trance was broken when she heard a knock on the door.


	2. Chapter 2

_Ziva sat there on her bed, watching the blood fall from the wound as the minute hand on her clock ticked. She sat there in a trance for what seemed like ages, yet her trance was broken when she heard a knock on the door._

* * *

Ziva heard the knock on her door and, though it startled her, chose to ignore it. She didn't care who it was that chose to visit her at so late an hour. She just continued to sit there, taking damp washcloth from her bathroom and dabbing at the wound.

She always felt a sense of exhaustion after she cut so, after another minute or dabbing at the blood with the washcloth, she threw the cloth into a pile of laundry and began to adjust the covers in preparation for sleep.

Then she heard the knock again. "Ziva? It's Tony. Uh, I tried calling your cell a few times and it went straight to voice mail and then I called your house a few times and the same thing. I'm kinda worried about you. Please, come to the door. I wanna talk…"

Ziva clenched her eyes shut and prayed that she was dreaming. She couldn't deal with Tony of all people right now. She pulled the covers high over her head and tried to block out his knocking. Tony's knocking continued and Ziva was unable to fall asleep, yet she still refused to go to the door.

Suddenly, the knocking stopped and Ziva's eyes flashed open. Her lips curled into a tiny smile as she pulled the covers down from her head and adjusted herself into a more comfortable position.

"Zi?"

Her eyes flew open as she sat up right in her bed.

"Tony?! What the hell are you doing in my apartment?" she demanded, keeping sure to make sure her arms were covered.

"You weren't answering and I knew you were in here and I really wanted to talk so…I kinda sorta picked the lock," he said with a small smile.

"Did you not get it when I said no to you in the elevator? Did you not get it when I ignored your knocking? I do not want to talk to you!" she yelled.

"Ziva, please. Something's wrong and I want to know what it is."

"Nothing is wrong except the fact that you picked my lock at midnight!"

"Zi, come on. Ever since we got back from Somalia you've been different. You're still witty and you still screw up your phrases, but the sparkle is gone…" he said softly. "I want to help you."

"There is nothing wrong! You cannot help me if there is nothing wrong!" she cried, desperately trying not to throw her knife at him.

"Yes, there is something wrong!" Tony said. "You're not the same old Ziva that we know and…"

"Yes, Tony?" she demanded, hearing him trail off mid-sentence. "Finish your sentence."

"What's on your comforter?" he asked taking a few steps closer to her bed.

"What do you mean?" she asked, looking down to where his finger was pointing. She saw that he was pointed to the small droplets of blood that had fallen from her arm just a few moments before.

"Those!" he yelled. "Why is there blood on your blanket?!?" he cried, terror filling his eyes. He wasn't sure if it was someone else who shed the blood or if it was Ziva's blood.

"Tony, it is nothing. I often clean my weapons to calm me down and I occasionally slip and cut my fingers. I guess I do not to a very good job of cleaning," she replied stoically.

"You're such a liar," Tony muttered. "You don't slip and cut your fingers. You just don't."

"Yes I do, Tony!" Ziva yelled. She was terrified of him finding out and she just wanted him to leave. She couldn't leave the bed or else he would see the scars, both fresh and old. She spotted an old NIS sweatshirt Gibbs had loaned her and she scrambled for it. Throwing it over her head, she jumped out of bead and walked towards Tony.

"I am tired, Tony. It is late and we have been working all day. If you do not mind, I would like you to leave," she said breezing past him and opening her front door.

"I'm not going to leave until you tell me what's wrong," Tony said as he stood next to her by the open doorway. "So you might as well close that."

Hearing him say that in the smug tone he often used, Ziva lost it. She let go of the door and slapped Tony across the face. "That is what it wrong! I have been holding that in for four years!" she yelled.

Tony stood there motionless, staring her right in the eyes. "I don't believe you," he whispered. This time he caught her hand as Ziva reached to slap him. He grabbed her wrist and saw her flinch as he did so.

"Let. Go. Of. Me." Ziva demanded. "Right. Now"

Tony's eyes flew between Ziva's furious face and the wrist he was holding. Her face still had a hint of pain in it and he thought he knew why.

"Roll up your sleeves," Tony said, not loosening his grip on her wrist. "Roll up your sleeves and I'll leave," he added.

* * *

"What do you mean roll up my sleeves?" Ziva asked. She was stalling, hoping soon to gain the upper hand and get him to leave.

"You heard me. Roll up your sleeves, let me see your arms, and then I'll leave," he replied. He felt her trying to free her arm, yet his grip remained firm.

"Why do you want to see my arms?" Ziva asked furiously. "Do you find arms attractive? Are you comparing mine to your current lover's?"

"Ziva, please," Tony sighed. "I'm worried about you. You've been abnormally calm since we got back. If I were in your position, I'd be in pieces…But you're not."

"Perhaps I am stronger than you, yes?"

"Dammit, Ziva! Roll up your sleeves!" Tony yelled.

"No." she replied simply.

"Ziva, I'm not going to leave until you--"

Before he could finish his sentence, he saw Ziva's leg swing out from under her and he felt himself hit the floor. She was kneeling atop him, knife at his throat.

"I said leave," Ziva said through clenched teeth.

Tony's eyes flew between her face and the hand that was holding the knife against his throat. She barely putting any pressure on the knife, Tony could only barely feel it against his Adam's apple. He didn't doubt her strength, yet he was doubtful she would cause him any harm.

"Is that what you use?" he asked softly, staring up into her eyes. There was fury in her eyes, he saw that much. Yet there also was terror, vulnerability.

"Is this what I use for what?" Ziva growled, not releasing her grip on the knife.

"Ziva," he said softly. "I can put two and two together. Blood on your comforter, all the long sleeves, the way you've been strangely calm…"

"I am calm because nothing is wrong!" she yelled, standing up and flipping the knife closed.

Tony sighed as she walked away from him and into the living room of her apartment. "Ziva," he breathed. "Please talk to me. It kills me to see you like this."

Ziva watched him walk away from her and she heard the pain in his voice. She desperately wanted to talk about the cutting, yet she knew he wouldn't be able to keep it quiet. When he turned to face her, the two of them now on opposite sides of the apartment, Ziva searched his eyes, looking for any hint of disgust or anger. She found none. The only things she saw were fear.

"I really do want to talk," she whispered silently. She didn't intend for Tony to hear it.

"Then let's talk," he whispered back. "I'll take a look at the cuts, make sure they're okay and then we can talk," he added just as softly.

"They are hideous," she murmured. She sounded so frail, so weak.

"So?" Tony replied.

Ziva fidgeted with the cuff of her sweatshirt before going for broke. She pulled the fabric over her head and threw it into the laundry basket near her bedroom. She shivered as the air hit her skin, yet she ignored the goose bumps.

She slowly walked towards Tony, taking the smallest of baby steps. Tony didn't move closer to her, he just let her come to him. When she was close enough to him, she held her arm out like an offering.

Tony's eyes scanned her arm, taking a quick glance to make sure none of the cuts were in need of stitches or other serious medical attention. Seeing none in that condition, he returned his gaze to Ziva's face. She was looking at the ground like a small child being scolded.

"I told you they were hideous," she said.

"They're not," Tony smiled. "Let's go to the bathroom and clean then up, though."

"Okay," she replied as the two of them headed back to her bedroom.

When they reached her bedroom, Tony led Ziva to the bed and had her sit at the edge. "You sit here. I'll find all the first aid stuff."

"It is under the sink, left cabinet," she whispered. "I keep hydrogen peroxide and gauze and bandages. All of that."

Tony emerged from the bathroom with all of the things Ziva had mentioned as well as another washcloth. "Alright, let's check these out," he sighed as he sat down on the bed next to Ziva. He pulled her arm out and laid it on his lap, pouring a bit of hydrogen peroxide on the washcloth and dabbing at the fresh cut.

"You should not have come," she said as she watched the chemicals bubble on her arm.

Tony didn't reply to her. He just continued to dab at the wound with the washcloth, ensuring the entire area was clean. He mechanically grabbed the roll of gauze and began to wrap it gently around her arm. There wasn't much bleeding occurring, yet he wanted to be sure he took care of her. He really did love her.

He taped the gauze off and looked back up to her face. "There, all better," he said with a smile.

"Thank you, Tony," Ziva said softly.

"Anytime, Zi," he placing her hand back into her own lap. A few moments of silence passed between them, both unsure as to where to start. "Do you wanna talk about it?" he asked gently, not wanting to pry or push her boundaries.

"I think I would like to, yes."

"Well, how about I go make us some tea and we can talk about it then?" Tony suggested as he put the medicinal supplies back into the bathroom.

"I would like that," Ziva said in a voice that was more than just a whisper this time.

"Alrighty!" he said emerging from the bathroom and giving Ziva one of his biggest smiles.

"You do not have to pretend, Tony," she said as she saw his smile. "I know this is not how you want to spend your Friday night, with some crazy chick who cuts herself. You really should not have come."

"Zi," he said helping her stand up from the bed. "I'm spending my Friday night with you. That's a perfect Friday in my mind. And you're not crazy," he added. "Now? Where's the tea?"


	3. Chapter 3

"_Zi," he said helping her stand up from the bed. "I'm spending my Friday night with you. That's a perfect Friday in my mind. And you're not crazy," he added. "Now? Where's the tea_?"

* * *

Ziva smiled as she saw Tony move throughout the kitchen. Tony had instructed her to sit on the couch while he made the tea and, at the moment, she didn't have the energy to object.

"How do ya like your tea, Miss David?" he asked. He hated having serious conversations so he kept trying to lighten the mood, make both Ziva and himself smile.

"I like it with a little bit of honey, actually," she said smiling.

"One tea with a bit of honey, coming up!" he said in what she figured to be an Italian accent. Within minutes, Tony was carrying to mugs of steaming liquids out to the couch. "Tea with honey for the lady, plain old tea for the man."

"Thank you," she said as she took a sip of the tea. It tasted perfect. "This is perfect. Better than I could ever make," she said as she watched Tony sip his tea.

"So…" Tony said looking at her right in the eyes. "You feel up to talking?"

"I think I must talk," she said as she set her mug down on the table. She pulled her legs to her chest and took a few deep breaths, still terrified of talking to him.

"I use the cutting as a way to control things. When I was in Somalia, Saleem and his men controlled everything. When I ate, how much I ate, everything. They also controlled me."

Ziva closed her eyes and reached for the tea, taking a long sip before she continued with her story. Tony was holding his tea in his hands, yet he had forgotten about it. He was just focused on Ziva.

"Every day it seemed a different man would come in and…" she hesitated. "They would rape me. In every possible way a person can be raped. And every day it was a different man. Some days multiple men came at once. They had total control over me. Chained to a wall, locked in a room. There was nothing I had control over. And, well, you know. As a Mossad officer I was taught to always be in control. Always control the situation, control your body, control your emotions. That is how I was raised. So when I lost all control in Somalia, I needed to find a way to regain some control…"

She took another deep breath and sip of tea. She looked at Tony, searching for any sign that he wanted her to stop. But he just nodded his head, encouraging her to go on.

"It started by biting my lips and punching the walls. I knew I could control that pain. I could control how much pain, when I did it, everything. It gave me some sense of control. Now that I am back, I find it hard to quit. I now use the physical pain to take the edge off the emotional shit. I often lose all control of the emotions running around my head and so doing this allows me to control something."

Ziva placed her mug on the table and stared into Tony's eyes. "I just needed control," she said simply.

Tony stared back into her eyes, not sure what to say. He reached his hand out and grasped hers, giving it a small squeeze.

"You do not think that is stupid?" Ziva asked as she felt his hand squeeze hers.

"No, Ziva. I don't think it's stupid at all. It's a way for you to be in control. I probably would have done something similar if I was in your position."

Now it was Ziva who didn't know what to say. The tea was making her eyelids heavy and she felt ready to collapse from exhaustion.

"I think it's time to go to bed," Tony laughed as he saw her eyelids flutter. "Come on, I'll help you get into bed." And with that, he placed his arms around her and scooped her up into his arms. Ziva laid her head in the crook of his neck and wrapped her arms around his neck as he made his way to her bedroom. Tony gently set her on the bed and pulled the covers back, allowing her to get comfortable before pulling the covers over her body.

"I'm sorry for picking the lock," he whispered as he saw her snuggle under the covers. "I'll call you tomorrow to see how you are, okay?"

"No," she murmured, her eyes still closed.

"Ziva," Tony laughed as he flicked the light off. "I'm going to call you tomorrow. You can't get out of it."

"No, do not leave," she said.

"Uh…" Tony said. "Are you sure, Zi? I mean, I don't wanna intrude or anything and I--"

Ziva sat up in her bed, the moonlight lighting her face. "Please, Tony," she said, her voice almost cracking. "I do not want to be alone. Not tonight. I cannot be alone tonight."

Tony had never seen or heard Ziva sound so vulnerable. "Okay," he sighed. "I'll be right out in the living room, chillin' on the couch, okay?"

"Toda," she murmured as she lay back down and pulled the covers up to her neck.

Tony just smiled and shut her door and made his way to the couch. "Interesting night," he said to himself as he kicked off his shoes and spread himself out on the couch.

* * *

The clock rang 1:00 a.m. and by the time the clock hit 1:30 a.m., Tony had fallen into a deep slumber.

Ziva, however, hadn't fallen into such a deep sleep. She continued to toss and turn, images of Saleem and his men filling her head.

_Her Star of David necklace was ripped from her neck. "This is such a beautiful necklace," he sneered as he grabbed her by the hair and forced her to look at him. "Did your scum of a brother Ari give this to you?"_

"_There's rumor going around that you're a screamer," one of his men whispered in her ear as he thrust into her from behind, pressing her face to the stone wall. "I hope it's true. I find that very erotic," he added, thrusting even harder into her. _

"_Give up," he whispered into her ear. "You have no control here."_

Ziva shot from her bed, sweat covering her. She was shaking uncontrollably and couldn't seem to see straight. She threw the covers off of her and jumped out of her bed, the images of Somalia on a constant replay in her mind.

She opened every drawer in her bedroom, frantically searching for the knife she always used. She pulled the drawers out of their places, flinging them around the room. She was growing more frantic by the second. She wanted—no she _needed_—that knife. "Where is it?" she cursed in Hebrew.

Unable to find the knife in her room, she ran to the bathroom that was attached to her room and began to search every drawer and every inch of the bathroom to find it. Tears began to burn the cornered of her eyes, but she just wiped them away and continued to search for her knife.

Tony heard the commotion and he was slowly roused from his sleep. "Ziva?" he said, looking around the apartment for any sign the noise was coming from. He heard it in her room and got up slowly and walked towards the door.

"Ziva?" he said slowly turning the handle on the door and pushing it open.

Before he knew it, Ziva was in front of his face. Her hair clung to her face with sweat and the rest of her body was covered in a layer of sweat as well.

"Where is it?!" she yelled.

"Ziva, what's wrong?" he asked, reaching his hand out to brush the hair from her face.

"Where is it?" she cried, her voice cracking and tears ready to spring from her eyes. "Tell me where it is or I swear to God I will hurt you!" she screamed. She was now shaking violently.

"Where is what?" Tony asked taking a few steps back. He was thoroughly confused and knew she could hurt him.

"My knife! Where did you put it?!??" She took a step closer to him. "You took my knife and I want it back now," she said through clenched teeth.

"Zi, calm down," Tony said as he made direct eye contact with her.

"I will not calm down!" she yelled. "You have taken my knife and I need it back now!"

"I swear, Zi, I don't know where it--"

"You are so full of shit, Tony!" she yelled as she turned and began to storm down the opposite hallway. "I guess I will have to find a new one!" she cried over her shoulder.

Tony saw where she was headed as shot after her. She had shown it to him on one of their movie nights. It was the room she kept many of her weapons in. Her knives, her guns, anything that could cause anyone bodily harm.

He ran into the room to find her staring at an open drawer, a dozen knives gleaming in the moonlight. "Which one should I use?" she said looking up at him. "You did not seem to approve of my other one."

"Zi…"

"The 2 inch blade? The serrated edged knife?" she said as she ran her fingers over each knife. "Which one do you approve of?" she said looking up at him. "Pick one!!" she yelled.


	4. Chapter 4

**_Author's Note: You guys have no idea how much your reviews mean to me! You guys are the best readers a girl could hope for! ^_^ Keep the reviews and/or suggestions coming! 3_**

* * *

"_The 2 inch blade? The serrated edged knife?" she said as she ran her fingers over each knife. "Which one do you approve of?" she said looking up at him. "Pick one!!" she yelled. _

* * *

Tony snapped. The woman he truly cared about—the one he might even love—was standing in front of him screaming for him to pick a knife to use against her own body. He lost it.

"Honestly, Ziva?" he said, his voice just under a yell. "I think the 3 inch serrated would be best. The two inch is sharp, so sharp you might not even feel the pain. But the serrated," he said with a demented chuckle. "That'll give you the most bang for your buck. Lots of pain, plenty of blood, everything you want!"

Ziva's eye's darkened and she walked towards him, leaving the knives in the drawer. When she reached him, she slapped him for the second time that night.

Tony knew she was going to slap him and that was just what he wanted. _Better to have her beat me up than herself_, he thought to himself.

"Feel better?" he asked, his voice now less angry and much less loud.

"No," she said still breathing heavily. "One slap is not nearly enough to make me feel better," she added.

"Then what is?" he asked taking a brave step closer to her.

Without warning, Ziva's resolve broke. The tears she had been holding back slip from her eyes and all of her defenses went down. "I do not know…" she said softly.

"Zi…" Tony sighed. "I'm sorry."

Ziva moved her eyes from the ground and looked up at him. She couldn't stop the flood of emotions that came with his gaze.

"Come here," Tony said holding his arms open for her.

Ziva didn't struggle like she normally would have. She was too exhausted to fight. She just walked towards Tony and let him wrap his arms around her.

Tony wrapped his arms around her and held her tight to him, terrified to let her go. He could feel her still shaking and he swore he could hear her heart pounding. He softly kissed the top of her head, smoothing her hair after he did so.

The two of them stood there for an unknown amount of time, Tony just holding her shaking frame and trying to soothe her. Eventually, Ziva stopped shaking and Tony could feel her heartbeat return to normal.

"Come on," Tony whispered. "Let's get you back into bed."

Ziva just nodded her head, not making any attempt to separate herself from Tony. Suddenly she felt her feet lift off the ground and found herself once again being carried to her bedroom by Tony. She wrapped one arm around his neck to keep her balance and with her other hand she grabbed a fist full of his shirt.

When they reached her bedroom, Tony laid her gently down on the bed. Yet when he went to remove his hands from under her, he found that Ziva still had a tight hold on his shirt.

"Hey, Zi? You can let go now, you're safe," he said as he brushed the hair from her face.

"Sleep with me?" Ziva said, the grip on his shirt not loosening.

Tony heard the questioning tone of her voice and knew that what she wanted was just someone to be with her, not someone to be her lover.

"Only if you let go of my shirt," Tony said with a light laugh.

He felt her let go of his shirt and he smiled. He walked around her bed and pulled the covers back, slipping under them softly. He turned onto his side and watched as Ziva pulled the covers up to her neck, burrowing under them. He smiled and pulled the covers over himself as well, watching Ziva's shoulders rise and fall with each breath she took.

Just when he thought she had fallen asleep, Ziva's soft voice broke the silence.

"Come closer."

"Huh?" Tony said, unsure as to what she meant.

"Closer," she said again. "You're too far away," she added.

"Anything you want," Tony replied as he moved himself closer to her, their bodies molding together almost perfectly. He draped one of his arms protectively around her middle and closed his eyes as he felt her breathing steady.

* * *

The sun rose into the sky and 7:00, yet neither Tony nor Ziva rose from their slumber. The clock continued to chime, oblivious to the fact that both Tony and Ziva were in the deepest slumber they had experienced in months.

Yet as the clock struck noon, Ziva was roused from her sleep. Normally she would have shot from bed, cursing at herself for sleeping so late and missing her morning run, but this time she didn't. The memories of the past night flooded her thoughts and she looked down at her arm, the one Tony had bandaged.

His hand was still draped around her middle, yet she was able to turn onto her other side and look at Tony's sleeping face, the stress of the previous night gone from his face.

"Wake up, my little hairy butt," she whispered, using his pet name to try and lighten the mood.

Tony slowly opened his eyes, smiling when he saw that Ziva was also smiling. "Morning, sweet cheeks."

"Thank you for last night," Ziva said. "I went crazy and I lost control. It means a lot that you did not leave."

"Zi," Tony said tucking a strand of her hair behind her ear. "I wouldn't leave you if the building was on fire. You mean a lot to me, Ziva. Seeing you in that much pain killed me."

Ziva had no idea what to say. She just laid there, her eyes searching Tony's. A tear slipped from her eye as she did so.

"You mean a lot to me, too," she said as he took his thumb and wiped the tear from her cheek. "You were all I could think about in Somalia. I had nightmares that Saleem would find you and torture or kill you. Nightmares that you would replace me at NCIS. Nightmares that you would forget about single moment I had, Tony, I thought of you," she said as tears continued to gently drip from her eyes. "It is stupid, it is against all the rules, it is terrifying, but…I think…" she stammered. "I think I love you, Tony."

"Ziva, I had those exact same nightmares. I was terrified that Saleem would kill you, that Vance might force Gibbs to replace you, that I'd never see you again. But, Zi, I couldn't ever forget about you. Every moment you were in my thoughts," he said, mimicking what she had just said. "And I think I love you, too."

A smile spread across Ziva's face, one of the first true smiles Tony had seen on her face since they had returned. The sparkle was back in her eye and her entire face lit up.

Ziva slowly moved her face closer to his until they were only centimeters away. She took a deep breath, mesmerized by his smell, and slowly pressed her lips to his.

Tony desperately wanted to deepen the kiss, to let his tongue roam her mouth, yet he wanted to let her know she had complete control. He simply returned the kiss, parting his lips when he felt her tongue tracing his lips.

Ziva's tongue roamed around Tony's mouth before she pulled it out and gently tugged on his bottom lip. She broke the kiss, inhaling the oxygen she had been deprived of. "I have waited to do that for four years," she laughed.

"Me, too, Ziva," he said making direct eye contact with her. "Me, too."

Ziva took those words as an okay to go further, to do more than just kiss him. She rolled him onto his back and climbed atop him, kneeling over him so one knee was on each side of his torso. Their pelvis bones were touching, sending shockwaves through them both.

Ziva slid her hands up his shirt, letting her nails rake over his muscles. Tony let out a small moan as her hands traveled up and town his torso, but he continued to let her have the control. She pulled her hands from under his shirt and tugged at it, desperate to get it off of him. When she had removed it, she threw it over her shoulder and bent down to kiss him once again, this keep deeper and with more passion, both of their tongues swirling in each other's mouths.

She removed her mouth from his, laughing as he grunted at the sudden loss of contact. She began to kiss down his neck, biting softly at the sensitive skin. She continued to move down his chest, placing soft kisses as she did so.

When she reached the waistband of his sweat pants, Ziva glanced up at him only to find him propped up on his elbows, watching her. Her lips curved into a smile as she hooked her fingers under his waistband. She stood up as she began to slowly pull both his sweat pants and his boxers down, laughing as she heard him gasp as the cool air hit him. She threw the boxers and sweats into the same pile his shirt laid in and crawled onto the bed.

She moved up to his lips and kissed him passionately. There was a tenderness in her kiss, something that surprised Tony. He always imagined her kisses would be fierce, demanding. Yet she just tugged gently on his lower lip, smiling.

She then moved between his legs, spreading them apart. She took her small hands and wrapped them around Tony's already hard shaft and gave it a few small strokes, ensuring its maximum rigidity.

Tony was torn between propping himself up to watch her or just laying his head back on the pillow, allowing himself to give Ziva the control he knew she wanted. He chose the latter.

Ziva smiled as she saw his lay his head on the pillow, surrendering to her touch. She released her hands from his shaft and quickly replaced them with her hot mouth. She let her tongue swirl around his head and travel down its length before fully engulfing it in her mouth.

"Oh, fuck," Tony moaned. "You have no idea how good that feels, Zi."

Ziva responded by bobbing her head up and down faster, her hands roaming over the taut muscles of his chest. Tony moaned loudly, resisting the urge to thrust his hips into her mouth. _Let her have the control, Tony,_ he had to continually remind himself.

Soon he began to feel that familiar feeling, his orgasm approaching closer by the second. "Oh my god, Ziva," he moaned. "I'm gonna…Oh, God, Zi. If you don't stop right now, I'm gonna…" Tony couldn't manage to form any coherent sentences.

Ziva knew he was close and that was exactly what she wanted. She continued to suck his throbbing member until she felt his release. Ropes of his hot sperm flew into her mouth and she drank every bit of it, sucking him dry.

"Did you enjoy that?" she asked, looking up at him from between his legs.

Tony just nodded his head, his skin flushed.

"I'm glad," she said as she kissed her way up his chest. She resumed her first position, one knee on each side of him, straddling his chest. She slowly moved her hands down to the hem of her shirt and tugged the fabric over her head, revealing her bare breasts and stiff nipples. A wicked grin spread across her face as she looked down and saw Tony's face, desire plastered all over it.

She pressed her torso to his, the hair on his chest ticking her exposed breasts. This time, the kiss she gave him was fierce, their tongues fighting for dominance. Reluctantly, she pulled away, both of them gasping for oxygen. She sat up, still kneeling over his torso, and took each of his hands in hers. She guided his hands to her chest and placed each one over one of her breasts.

She moaned lightly as she kept her hands over his, encouraging him to massage her breasts or play with her nipples, yet still maintaining some sort of control.

The entire time she was helping Tony massage her, the two of them never broke eye contact. She was moaning softly, rotating her hips to stimulate herself through her pajama pants.

"I need you," she moaned as she pulled Tony's hands from her breasts. "Now," she added breathlessly.

She stood up once again and quickly pulled both her pants and panties down, kicking them off to the side. Tony propped himself up on his elbows and slowly drank in the sight that was before him. Her dark curls fell down her shoulders, leading his eyes straight to her perfect mounds. His eyes then traveled down her taut stomach, down to her bare womanhood, and down her toned legs.

"You're perfect," he said looking her in the eye. "Absolutely perfect."

Ziva blushed slightly, but didn't let his compliment distract her. She crawled onto the bed and gave Tony's twitching erection a few quick strokes.

She positioned herself above him and slowly lowered herself down onto him, moaning as he filled her up. She gave herself a few moments to adjust to his length before she began to move up and down, establishing a steady rhythm.

She reached down to grasp Tony's hands again, bringing them back up to her breasts. "Please, Tony," she moaned. Together, they massaged her breasts in time with her humping hips, both of them groaning.

He felt her hips speed up and he knew she was growing closer and closer to her climax. Tony knew that this was going to be hard for Ziva. In order to feel the release that was building in her, Ziva was going to need to lose at least some control.

Tony felt Ziva's hands leave his and took it to mean he too was supposed to remove his hands from her sensitive mounds, yet she shook her head. "Don't stop," she moaned. He then saw her move her hand down to her clit and begin to rub it, bringing herself closer to her climax. If she was going to come, she wanted to have control over when it happened.

Tony felt his own climax approaching and worked to keep it at bay until Ziva had experienced her own. Her moaning grew louder and her hands rubbed her sensitive clit faster, her hips nothing more than a blur.

Tony knew how close she was to her release, yet he also knew that she was holding back, terrified to lose control.

"Ziva," Tony said removing his hands from her breasts and tangling his fingers in her hair, pulling her face down to his. "You can let go," he whispered in his ear. "I promise. You can lose control and I swear I won't let you get hurt."

She nodded and gave him a quick kiss before continuing to move up and down on Tony's rock hard erection, her fingers rubbing her clit fiercely. Tony's hands returned to her breasts and he smiled as she began to shake, her orgasm taking over her entire body. She screamed as she continued to rub her clit, riding the waves of pleasure as they crashed over her.

She then felt Tony release, depositing his seed within her. She took her hand from her clit and collapsed on top of Tony, her breathing heavy. She rolled off of him and curled up next to him, her head nestled into the crook of his neck.

"Thank you," she whispered in his ear.

"For what?" he asked as he wrapped an arm around her.

"For letting me have control," she said softly. "And letting me know its okay to lose it once in a while."

"Anytime, Ziva," he said with a smile. "Anytime."


	5. Chapter 5

"_Thank you," she whispered in his ear._

"_For what?" he asked as he wrapped an arm around her. _

"_For letting me have control," she said softly. "And letting me know its okay to lose it once in a while."_

"_Anytime, Ziva," he said with a smile. "Anytime."_

* * *

The rest of the weekend continued in much the same way as the past few hours had gone. The two of them made love several more times, with their passion and ferocity growing each time. Yet Ziva always maintained control. She would take Tony's hands in hers and guide them where she wanted. She would fight to keep her release at bay until Tony whispered in her ear that he wouldn't let her get hurt, that she could let go.

Tony awoke Monday morning to the smell of coffee flooding his nostrils. He rolled over to his side, hand reaching out for Ziva, yet he found her side of the bed empty.

"Zi?" he called, sitting up in bed and rubbing the sleep from his eyes.

"Yes?" she said as she walked into the bedroom, two mugs of coffee in her hand.

"I woke up and you weren't there," he said, his face forming a childish frown. "I missed you."

Ziva blushed as she sat on the bed and handed him his coffee. "I am sorry. I did not mean to leave you alone. I woke up early and after doing a bit of exercise in the living room I thought I would make you breakfast. I just wanted to--"

"Breakfast?" he said, his face lighting up. "You made breakfast?"

"Does that surprise you?" she asked, sipping her coffee. "I figured since we did not really have a chance to eat much this weekend and given our…activities," she said giving him a grin, "I thought you might be hungry."

"You know me too well," Tony said smiling as he set his coffee on the bedside table.

Ziva set her own mug on the bedside table and leaned over, placing her lips gently on Tony's. She gently tugged at his lower lip before pulling away, gazing into his eyes.

"May I ask what that was for?" Tony joked.

"For this weekend," she said simply as she rose from the bed. "Now get up. We have breakfast to eat, showers to take, and work to get to."

"Showers, huh?" Tony said as he rose from the bed, pulling his sweat pants on. "I do enjoy showers," he added, raising an eyebrow at Ziva.

She didn't reply, just turned around and walked out of the room, her hips swaying temptingly at Tony.

When Tony entered the kitchen, he couldn't believe what he saw. She had set out two place settings on her table. Each setting had a glass of orange juice and a small stack of pancakes—she had even given Tony a few slices of bacon.

"Wow…" he said, stopping in his tracks.

Ziva turned around, her face showing just the tiniest bit of fear. "Is this okay? I did not know what you liked and I just had to guess. If you do not like it, I can make something else. I do not mind, really. I--"

"It's perfect, Zi," he said walking towards her and wrapping his arms around her. "You're perfect," he whispered in her ear.

Ziva smiled, nuzzling her face into his chest and inhaling deeply. His scent was intoxicating to her and she never wanted to forget it. She felt him place a kiss on the top of her head before gently pulling himself away from her.

"Let's us, shall we?" he said, looking down into her eyes.

"Yes," she replied reaching up onto her toes to give him a quick kiss on the lips.

They walked towards the table, hand in hand, and sat down across from each other. Neither of them was sure as to what to say, so they sat there in silence for a few minutes. Ziva was still working on finishing her first pancake when Tony finally set his fork down, his plate empty.

"Gah," he sighed as he stretched his arms above his head. "That was the best breakfast I think I've ever had."

Ziva grinned as the continued to push the cut up pancake slices around her plate. "I am glad you enjoyed it," she said looking up at him.

Tony eyed the way she was fiddling with her food, the way she had barely eaten any of her breakfast. "You're not eating…" he said, concern filling his voice. He had experiences of those he cared about using food as a means to control things, either by eating nothing, eating more than they should, or by running to the bathroom after each meal. Knowing Ziva's fear of not being in control, Tony's mind automatically went to the worst possible situation.

Ziva set her fork down gently next to her plate. "Tony, I know what you are thinking. I do not have an eating disorder," she said, almost as though she could read his mind.

"I wasn't--"

"Yes, you were. That is exactly what you were thinking. But trust me; I do not have any form of eating disorder. I was fed very little in Somalia and I suppose my stomach has grown used to small amounts of food. Any more than what I have eaten now would not settle. I am fine," she said, reaching her hand over the table to take hold of Tony's.

"I just worry about you, Zi," Tony replied, giving her hand a small squeeze.

"And I appreciate that," she smiled as she stood up from the table. "Now we need to get ready to leave. You need to get fresh clothes from your apartment and if we do not start getting ready now, Gibbs will smack us so hard we will not wake up."

Tony stood up and took both his and Ziva's plate to the sink. "I've got spare clothes in my car," he said placing the dishes in the sink. "So how about I run down to my car and grab my clothes while you hop into the shower?"

"My, my," Ziva said as Tony turned around to face her. "You are very prepared," she joked.

"I try to be," he laughed as he took a step towards her. "So how about it? You hop in the shower, I grab my clothes, then we head to work?"

"Sounds like a plan," she replied giving him a quick kiss on the cheek. "The key is on the counter. I do not appreciate it when people pick my lock."

"I'll be back in a flash," Tony said as he turned around the grabbed the key.

Ziva was already on her way to the master bathroom when Tony said that and she felt no need to respond. She turned the water on and let the steam fill the room. She stepped out of her clothes and kicked them to the side before letting her eyes wander down to the bandage on her arm. Emotions overwhelmed her as she began to unwind the gauze, slowly revealing the scars.

The cut from Friday's horrors had already begun to heal with the help of Tony. "Thank you," she murmured to the scars, thinking of Tony's gentle hands dabbing at the wounds, not a sign of disgust on his face.

She shook her head, forcing the memories from her mind as she opened the shower door and let the hot water fall over her. She just stood under the hot stream of water, letting it wash away the emotions from the past weekend. The water stung as it hit the wound, yet the pain soon subsided and she was able to forget about it.

Tony returned from his car and smiled as he heard Ziva's voice coming from the bathroom. She was singing something, he wasn't sure what, but he knew it sounded beautiful. He softly walked into her room and then into the bathroom, smiling as he saw her lithe silhouette through the foggy glass doors.

_Hands touch, eyes meet,_

_Sudden silence, sudden heat,_

_Hearts leap in a giddy whirl,_

_He could be that boy,_

_But I'm not that girl._

Hearing those words, hearing the pain that was in her voice, Tony shook his head. _She really has no idea how much she means to me,_ he thought as he quietly began to pull his clothes off. After placing his clothes in the same pile as hers, he slowly opened the glass door to the shower and silently slipped in behind her. Her singing continued, ensuring that his entrance wasn't heard.

_Don't wish, don't start,_

_Wishing only wounds the heart._

_I wasn't born for the rose and pearl._

_There's a girl I know,_

_He loves her so,_

_I'm not that girl._

She jumped when she felt his arm reach around her waist and pull her closer to him. His breath tickled her ear and he lowered his head and whispered into her ear.

"You are that girl."

"You scared me, Tony," she breathed, her heart still racing. "You should not do that," she added, taking a few deep breaths to calm herself.

"Did you hear me, Ziva?" Tony asked, spinning her around so their torsos were touching, their faces only inches apart. "You are that girl. You always have been, Zi. I don't know when I realized that, but…Ziva, you're the best thing that's ever happened to me. I love you. I love you so, so much. More than you could ever imagine."

Ziva eyes began to sting as tears formed in her eyes. She looked down at the shower floor, watching the water swirl down the drain. For a moment, Tony wished he could go back and take back what he had just said. _Shit, _he thought, _I screwed up. It's been, what, 48 hours and you're telling her you love her? You fucked this up big time, DiNozzo._

Ziva took her eyes from the ground and looked up at Tony, a small smile on her face. "I love you too, Tony."

Tony exhaled the breath he had been subconsciously holding and wrapped his arms around her, their naked bodies pressed together under the stream of hot water.

* * *

Tony and Ziva eventually pulled themselves apart and exited the shower, neither one of them now in the mood to go to NCIS. Yet Tony walked out into the living room and grabbed his bag, mumbling under his breath that it had to be Monday. Ziva put on a blue lace bra and matching boy shorts, then headed back to the steamy bathroom to dry her hair.

She stood in front of the mirror, the fog clearing, and ran a brush through her curls as he held the blow drier to her hair. She smiled when she saw Tony's body appear in the mirror, a grin on his face as he eyed her up and down.

"Like what you see, Tony?" she asked, turning the blow drier off and giving her hair a few last strokes with her brush. She turned around to face him, giving him full view of the lace that covered her breasts and the thin lace that covered her tender womanhood.

"Yeah," he replied. "I really do."

"I am glad," she responded as she walked past him, giving the bulge in his pants a quick squeeze. "But I am afraid I am going to have to wear more than this to work," she added as she rummaged around her dresser, finally pulling out a pair of jeans and a purple sweater with a scoop neck, highlighting the Star of David necklace she wore.

"Ready to go?" she asked as she slipped a pair of small heels on her feet.

"Yep," Tony replied grabbing his bag and throwing it over his shoulder. "My car or yours?" he asked as he held the door open for her.

"I think I will let you drive," she responded. "I am not in the mood to drive right now," she said.

The two walked down the stairs in silence with their fingers laced together. When they reached Tony's car, he held the door open for her. "Madam," he said with a smile.

"Toda," she responded with a quick kiss on the cheek.

Tony then walked back around to the driver's side and within the next minute, they were on their way to NCIS. Tony knew they had to talk about Friday, that they had to find a way for her to stop cutting, yet he wasn't sure how to bring it up. After sitting in the car with nothing but the radio playing soft music, Tony finally decided he needed to bring it up.

"Zi?" he asked, trying not to sound nervous.

"Yes?" she replied, turning to face him. She could sense the emotions in his voice and was terrified.

"I think we need to talk to Gibbs about this…"

"Tony," she laughed. "I am sure Gibbs knows that we have broken Rule 12. He knows all," she joked. "I am sure he was able to sense the rule being broken."

"No," he said, his voice still serious. "We need to talk to him about…About your arm," he said turning to face her when they reached a red light.

"Oh," was her only response.


	6. Chapter 6

"_I think we need to talk to Gibbs about this…"_

"_Tony," she laughed. "I am sure Gibbs knows that we have broken Rule 12. He knows all," she joked. "I am sure he was able to sense the rule being broken."_

"_No," he said, his voice still serious. "We need to talk to him about…About your arm," he said turning to face her when they reached a red light._

"_Oh," was her only response._

* * *

"Zi," he said as he pressed on the gas pedal. "We need to tell him about this. We need to get you help." He reached his hand over to take hers, yet she quickly pulled it away from his reach.

"I do not see why we must talk to Gibbs about this," she said. Tony could feel all of her defenses going back up, making it seem as though the past few days had never happened. "I am not affecting him in any way, am I?" she questioned, her voice hardening.

Tony sighed as he pulled into the parking garage at NCIS. Putting the car into park, he took the keys out of the ignition and turned slightly so he could face Ziva. "Don't do this, please. It kills me to see you doing this to yourself and I want to have you in my life forever and I'm scared that--"

"That what?!" she said with a small, slightly evil laugh. "That I will jump off a bridge to my death? That I will go crazy and hang myself?" Her voice was growing louder with each phrase. "That I will swallow a handful of pills and slowly die? That I will take my SIG and shoot myself?" Her voice was almost at a full yell. "That I will slit my wrists and bleed out in the bath?!"

Tony was speechless. He knew she was in pain, but this…This terrified him. "Ziva, please," he stammered. "I love you so much. We need to talk to Gibbs. He can help you. He can help, Zi." He reached his hand out, preparing to brush a lock of hair from her face but she pulled back.

"Get away from me," she said yelled. Her hands frantically searched for the door handle and, upon finding it, she flung the door open and stumbled out. She slammed the door and began to storm towards the elevator.

But Tony beat her.

He jumped out of the driver's seat and ran after her, grabbing her arm just before she reached the elevator. He pulled her towards him, causing her to loose her balance for a few moments. He took advantage of her sudden disorientation and wrapped his arms around her middle.

When she realized he had a firm grip on her torso, she could do nothing by strain against his arms. "Let go of me!" she cried as she tried to separate his hands and free herself. Tony silently thanked God that the parking garage was empty.

"I'm not letting you go," he said, trying to keep his voice calm.

"Yes you will!" she cried, her voice growing hoarse.

"No, I won't," he replied, maneuvering his hands so he could spin her around to face him. "I will not let you go until you promise me that you will talk to Gibbs and get the help you need."

"Fine," she spat at him. "I promise I will talk to Gibbs. Now let. Me. Go," she said through clenched teeth.

"I don't believe you," Tony said as he shook his head. "The minute I let go of you, you're gonna walk into the bull pen like nothing's wrong."

Ziva couldn't take it anymore. Tony's badgering to talk to Gibbs brought back memories of Saleem torturing her to talk about NCIS. His calm voice amidst her screaming voice reminded her of the calm demeanor Saleem kept as he raped her. The way he was holding her captive reminded her of the chains that bound her to the walls of her cell.

Her body turned onto auto-pilot. Her hands curled into fists and she began to punch Tony's chest with as much force as she could muster, which wasn't all that much. Her legs began to fly and try to kick at him, yet she couldn't seem to hit him. She spat and scratched him and screamed until her voice was hoarse. But she still continued to try and get him away from her.

But Tony didn't let go. He was terrified to let her go. The way she had listed all the scenarios that could lead to her death shocked him. He had no idea she really had thought about ending her life. He just held her, letting her hurt him in any way she could.

When he felt her begin to wear out, when he felt her energy was depleted, he was able to let go of her with one hand to reach for his cell phone. She was still fighting, but he was able to dial a familiar number.

"Yeah, Gibbs," the gruff voice said over the cell phone.

"Hi, boss. It's Tony."

"DiNozzo, where the hell are you? It's already--"

"Yeah, I'm late, but not really. I'm in the parking garage with Ziva and I really need you to come down here."

Gibbs didn't get the chance to respond when he heard Ziva's hoarse voice come through the phone. "I am fine!" she yelled. "You do not need to come!" she screamed.

"What is going on down there?" Gibbs said as he stood up from his desk and grabbed his SIG and badge.

"It's a long story, boss. You just gotta get down here. Bring Ducky if you can," Tony added, keeping his grip firm on Ziva.

"Got it. I'll grab Ducky and be there in a minute."

"Thanks," Tony said before he heard the line go dead.

Tony looked down and realized Ziva had stopped struggling. "Ziva?" he said calmly. "Ziva, are you okay?"

"Please," she managed to croak. "Leave me alone."

"Oh, Ziva. I'm so sorry. I didn't want to do this to you. You were scaring me and I didn't want you to get hurt. I love you, Ziva," Tony said as he gently lowered both himself and Ziva to the floor. He sat Indian style on the floor, holding Ziva in his arms.

"DiNozzo!" Gibbs yelled as he exited the elevator, Ducky following him.

"Here, boss!" Tony yelled.

Gibbs looked to his left and saw Tony sitting there, Ziva in his arms and ran over to them.

"What happened?" he said as he knelt down next to the two of them.

"Boss…" Tony wasn't sure where to start. "Ya know how she's been strangely calm since Somalia and all? Well, I went to her apartment on Friday because I got this feeling something was really wrong and…I saw blood on her comforter, saw the way she wouldn't force me out of the apartment without a sweatshirt on. Boss, she's been cutting since we got back."

Gibbs sighed as he looked down at the way Ziva was slumped over. "What happened here?" he asked.

"I told her we had to talk to you about this, and she lost it. She just kept talking about the different ways she could off herself and she went crazy. I know I should have given her space, but, boss, I couldn't. She was seriously scaring me and I didn't want her to get hurt. Boss--"

"I got it, DiNozzo!" he barked. "Duck, can you check her out? I think it might be best to get her to a hospital."

Ducky knelt down next to Ziva and gently reached out to brush her hair from her face. Her head shot up as she felt his hand approach her face and she grabbed his hand, staring him in the eyes. "Do not touch me," she moaned, allowing her head to fall back down.

"Ziva," he whispered. "It's Ducky. I just want to make sure you're okay. You don't want to go to a hospital, do you?" he asked with a small laugh.

"Come on, Zi," Tony said, trying to lift her head so Ducky could check her out.

She felt Tony lift her head and once again, he body shifted into auto-pilot. She grabbed his wrist and twisted it. Tony was surprised that she still had the energy to do that.

"You're safe, Zi," Tony whispered, making no attempt to pull his wrist away.

"Get away from me!" she tried to yell. "All of you, get away!" she croaked. She released Tony's wrist and began to fumble around her belt, desperately trying to find the blade she kept hidden there.

"Oh, no you don't!" Gibbs barked. "Duck, DiNozzo, we need to get her to a hospital now."

"No, no hospitals. Please," Ziva said as Gibbs lifted her up, allowing Tony to rise from the ground before handing her back to Tony.

"Get over it, David. We're taking you to a hospital," Gibbs barked, the authority returning to his voice. "Duck, you think you can hold the fort down while DiNozzo and I take her to Bethesda?"

"Of course, Jethro," Ducky said as he helped Tony lay Ziva in the backseat of one of NCIS's cars. "Please, call and let me know how she is, though," he added.

"Yep," Gibbs said as he slammed the back door and climbed into the driver's side. "We'll keep you posted," he added before putting the keys in the ignition and speeding out of the parking garage.

Meanwhile, in the backseat, Tony was sitting with Ziva's head in his lap, watching her with terrified eyes.

Her eyes were blood shot, sweat covered her face, tear tracks ran down her face, and her hair was a mess. What surprised him were the nail marks that ran down her neck, her arms, and even her face. She must have done them to herself while he was on the phone with Gibbs.

"I love you, Ziva," he whispered. He didn't think she had heard him until he saw her shake her head and croak out a single word.

"No."


	7. Chapter 7

**Author's Note: So, this chapter sucks. I've been UBER busy these past few weeks and I just can't seem to organize the thoughts running through my mind. . **

**Soooo, if you've got any suggestions, I'd love to hear them! I've got a few ideas of my own, but I'd like to hear what you guys would like to see happen.**

**3**

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_Her eyes were blood shot, sweat covered her face, tear tracks ran down her face, and her hair was a mess. What surprised him were the nail marks that ran down her neck, her arms, and even her face. She must have done them to herself while he was on the phone with Gibbs._

"_I love you, Ziva," he whispered. He didn't think she had heard him until he saw her shake her head and croak out a single word._

"_No."_

* * *

Even with Gibbs driving, the three of them made it to Bethesda is record time.

"Boss," Tony said as he followed Gibbs towards the hospital's automatic doors. "What are we gonna tell them? That we've got an out of control woman who can list half a dozen ways to off herself?"

"I am not out of control!" Ziva moaned, throwing a few more weak punches in Tony's general direction. "I cannot be out of control…" she added.

"Shhh," Tony whispered to Ziva. He knew his attempts to calm her were useless, but he couldn't help it. He just continued to whisper how much he loved her and how beautiful she was.

"I'll handle it, Tony," Gibbs said turning around to face the two of them. "You go sit over there while I talk to the receptionist. I'm probably the most level headed of the three of us, anyways," he added as he headed towards the desk.

Tony made his way over to the waiting area and breathed a sigh of relief when he saw a couch-like object that would allow him to sit with Ziva still in his arms. He sat down with her and watched as Gibbs exchanged words with the woman behind the reception desk. After just a few minutes, Gibbs turned around and waved Tony over towards him. Tony hurriedly made his way towards his boss.

"So? What'd they say? Can they take her somewhere?"

"DiNozzo!" he barked, making sure Tony knew to shut up. "They're going to take her to a private room and look her over, make sure nothing too serious is wrong. Then they're gonna send in some sort of shrink to talk to her."

"She's gonna hate that," Tony laughed.

"Well, tough. She needs to talk about this."

"Couldn't agree more, boss," Tony replied. "So, when can we take her to this private room?"

"Tony," Gibbs said, his voice much less demanding. "Given the state she's in, they only want one person to be with her. Any more and she might feel trapped, at least that's what the shrink lady said."

"No problem, that actually works out. You can go back and make sure Probie doesn't sit at my desk and--"

"I'm staying with her, DiNozzo," Gibbs said as he reached out and took Ziva in his arms.

"But, boss. Come on, I mean…Why can't I stay with her?" Tony said, reluctantly handing Ziva over to Gibbs.

"Because I need to have a few words with her," Gibbs said. "I'll call you after they check her out and let you know how she is, but you need to get back to NCIS and work. She'll be fine," Gibbs added.

Tony's face was full of both despair and terror. The thought of leaving Ziva, his ninja, in a hospital scared him, even though he knew Gibbs was going to be there.

"Agent David?" a nurse with a portable bed called as she entered the waiting area.

"It's Dah-Veed!" Tony said, not taking his eyes off Ziva.

"Yes, sorry," the nurse said. "Which one of you will be accompanying her?"

"Me," Gibbs said in his typical gruff voice. When he said that, Tony couldn't stay any longer. He needed air. He turned on his heels and walked briskly towards the doors, his mind racing with thoughts of the past weekend.

* * *

"Hey, Ziver."

"Hello, Gibbs," she responded. The room she had been put in was simple: two chairs, a window looking out over the D.C. landscape, and various wall hangings. The room was in the psych area of the hospital, so no machines were needed. She was lying on a bed, wearing the street clothes the doctors allowed her to put back on after they checked her out. She was lying on top of all the blankets, just staring at the ceiling.

"How ya feeling?" the silver haired agent asked as he pulled a chair up to her bedside and took a seat.

"I am fine," Ziva said, not taking her eyes from the ceiling.

"That's bull and you know it," Gibbs barked. "The only thing fine about you is that your cuts are healing without complications. Other than that, you're the farthest thing from fine! Dehydration, malnutrition, all of it!"

"I see you have talked to the doctors," she said, her voice unwavering.

"Multiple times," he replied as he put a hand over hers. "Look at me."

She waited a few moments before turning her head to face his. There was a softness in his face that she had only seen a few times.

"I care about you, Ziver. We all care about you," he said gently. It sounded so strange to Ziva to hear his voice so soft, so gentle. "You scared us all today. Especially DiNozzo. I've never seen him so scared since…Hell, I don't think he's ever been that scared. I thought he was gonna have a heart attack." he added with a chuckle.

A small smile formed on her face, almost undetectable, but a smile none the less. "I care about you all, too," she said softly, avoiding Gibbs' eyes.

"Then why didn't you come to us? Why didn't you tell one of us how much you were hurting?"

Ziva bit her lip and clenched her eyes shut, willing the tears to stop forming. She opened her eyes, yet still avoiding eye contact with Gibbs.

"I thought if I told you what was happening, that…I thought that if I told you how much I was hurting or how I used the cutting to help, that you would reconsider allowing me to be an NCIS agent; that I would be sent back to Israel." A few moments passed, both of them sitting in silence. Ziva turned her head to stare at the ceiling as she spoke. "Vance is right. I am damaged goods."

"Ziva," Gibbs sighed. He put a finger under her chin and turned her head back to face him, forcing her to make eye contact with him. "We would never reconsider letting you be on our team and we sure as hell wouldn't let you go back to Israel," he said. "And Vance is a complete ass," he added with a smile.

Ziva felt tears sting the corners of her eyes and she let out a small laugh. "I agree."

The two sat there in silence for a minute or two, both unsure as to what to say. Finally, Ziva couldn't take the silence.

"What do we do now?" she asked.

"About what?" Gibbs responded.

"All this," she said, pointing to the bandage on her arm.

"Well, the doctors say the shrink is gonna come in a few minutes and then I guess we go from there," Gibbs said with a shrug.

"A shrink?" Ziva asked, confusion filling her voice.

"Therapist," Gibbs said smiling. "Don't ask me why they're called shrinks, though. I have no idea."

"A therapist??" Ziva almost cried. "Gibbs, come on! I do not need a therapist! Can I not just talk to Ducky? He is educated in the field of psychology, yes?"

"Nope. You're gonna meet with the hospital therapist and then if they say you need to see them regularly, you will," he said firmly.

"But, Gibbs!" Ziva said.

"No buts!" he said. He slowly reached his hand around her head and gave her a small tap, sure to not make her feel trapped or abused. "Got it?"

"Fine," she muttered.

Just as she uttered the word, a soft knock was heard at the door. A smiling woman came in, shutting the door gently behind her. Her hair was straight, down to her shoulders, and brown. She looked to be in her late thirties, yet time had treated her well.

"Hello, Agent David, Agent Gibbs," she said smiling to the both of them. "My name is Lisa Johnson and I'm one of the hospital's psychologists."

"Hello," Gibbs said as he stood up to shake the woman's hand. "Nice to meet you," he added.

Ziva sat up in her bed and gave Lisa a forced smile. "It is nice to meet you," she said extending her hand. Ziva wanted to talk about the thoughts that were swirling in her mind, yet talking with a random person wasn't what she had in mind.

"Nice to meet you both," Lisa said with a smile. "But I'm afraid I'm going to have to ask you to leave, Agent Gibbs. We like to start the therapy process with a few one on one sessions, just to break the ice and get to know the client," she said.

"No problem," he said. "I've gotta get coffee, anyways."

Gibbs shut the door softly as he exited, leaving Ziva and her new therapist alone in the room. Lisa smiled at Ziva as she pulled a chair up to the side of the bed.

"So, like I said," Lisa said with a smile. "I like to start therapy just one on one with the client."

"My name is Ziva," Ziva said staring directly at Lisa.

"I know," Lisa laughed. "I--"

"Then call me Ziva, not 'the client.'"

The smile on Lisa's face shrunk slightly as she took in Ziva's words. "I'm sorry," she replied.

"Apologies are a sign of weakness," Ziva said with a laugh.

"Pardon?"

"It is what Gibbs, my boss, always says. Never apologize, it's a sign of weakness," Ziva laughed. "It is one of his many rules."

"Oh," Lisa said, the smile returning to her face. "I'll try to remember that."

"Gibbs has many rules, it is impossible to remember them all," Ziva said. She wasn't sure why, yet she felt slightly comfortable with this woman. Taking a deep breath, she turned towards Lisa. "I suppose you know why I am here," she stated.

"Yeah," Lisa said with a sigh. "I talked with Agent Gibbs and also with Agent DiNozzo and they told me all about this."

"What do you mean 'all about this,'" Ziva asked.

"I know about your captivity in Somalia, about the cutting, the eating problems, and the slight breakdown you had this weekend. But I only know as much as Agents Gibbs and DiNozzo know."

"Oh," Ziva said laughing. "You do know all about this."

"I only know the basics. You were held for months, you've been cutting since you got back, and that you just haven't been the same since you returned. That's all your Agents have told me."

Ziva's mind began a rapid slideshow in the head. Images of Saleem, the room she was held captive in and the chains that bound her to the walls, the feeling of Saleem thrusting into her, images of the dozens of times she had cut, Tony's face when he saw the blood droplets, when she was demanding he chose a knife, when he was holding her in the parking garage. She clenched her eyes shut, willing the images to leave her mind.

"Ziva?" Lisa asked softly, seeing the way Ziva was clenching her eyes shut.

Ziva's eyes flew open. "I am sorry," she said with a smile. "I do not know what came over me."

"You can talk about it, ya know?" Lisa said with a smile. "Whatever is going through your mind, you can talk about it. Trust me, I've seen and heard it all."

"I do not trust people easily," Ziva said.

"I know."

"But," Ziva said looking into Lisa's eyes. "I get the feeling that I can trust you. I feel like you can help me."

Lisa smiled. "You can trust me, Ziva. And I feel like I can help you, too."

And with that, Ziva began to recount her time in Somalia, the cutting, and every other thing that she had kept in. She couldn't understand why, yet the words just kept flowing out of her mouth. Before she knew it, night had fallen.

"Wow," she said with a deep sigh. "I did not realize I was talking so much," she added.

"It's no problem," Lisa laughed. "That's what I'm here for," she added.

Just as Ziva opened her mouth to reply, the door slowly opened and Gibbs walked in.

"Hey, Ziver, Lisa," he said handing a coffee to Lisa and a tea to Ziva. "I had to guess how you liked your coffee, but I think I got it right," Gibbs said smiling.

"Thank you," Lisa said taking a sip of the coffee he had brought. "It's perfect."

"Toda," Ziva smiled as she took a sip of the tea.

"So," Gibbs said as he took a seat on the other chair in the room. "How'd it go?"

"It went well," Ziva said. "Lisa is a very kind woman and we talked quite a bit about everything," she added.

"I'm glad, because you're going to be seeing her twice a week for the next month."

"Gibbs!!" Ziva cried. "Twice a week? For the next month? You are crazy!"

"Actually," Lisa said. "I think that's a fairly decent amount of sessions, giving the circumstances and everything else."

"But, Gibbs, that is--"

"An order," he finished. "You will be seeing Lisa twice a week for the next month and that's that."

Lisa sensed the tension in the room and took it as a sign for her departure. "I've got to go fill out some paperwork, but I will see you tomorrow, Ziva," she said standing up. "Thank you for the coffee, Agent Gibbs," she added as she exited the room.

The door had just shut when Ziva had jumped off the bed and was standing next to Gibbs. "Gibbs, that is absurd! Twice a week for the next month! That is eight times!"

"I know," she said taking a swig of his coffee. "But it's an order," he added. "Now, I've got permission to take you home, so let's grab your coat and get out of here."

"Fine," Ziva mumbled as she grabbed her coat from the rack and pulled it on.

"Where would you like to stay?" Gibbs asked as they headed towards the elevator.

"What do you mean?" Ziva asked.

"You're sure as hell not staying at your apartment, so you've got my place or DiNozzo's. "Your choice."


	8. Chapter 8

**Author's Note: So, I kinda sorta hate this chapter... Buuuuttttt! I'm on Winter Break for the next two weeks so, as long as my creative muses continue to thrive, I hopefully can update every other day or so. **

**Be sure to review and/or PM me with any ideas or suggestions or hopes for what the next few chapters will have in store!  
**

**Remember: Reviews make me happy and a happy author is a busy author!**

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"_Where would you like to stay?" Gibbs asked as they headed towards the elevator._

"_What do you mean?" Ziva asked._

"_You're sure as hell not staying at your apartment, so you've got my place or DiNozzo's. Your choice."_

* * *

The elevator dinged open and Gibbs walked in, leaving Ziva standing in the corridor.

"What do you mean I cannot stay at my apartment? Why must I stay with you or DiNozzo?" she asked, unwilling to take the step into the elevator.

"Ziva," Gibbs said, placing his hand in front of the elevator doors to hold them open. "We want you to be safe. So for the time being, you'll stay with either DiNozzo or I."

"Why can I not stay with Abby or with McGee? Surely they will not mind if I stay with them for a few days," Ziva protested as she reluctantly stepped into the elevator.

"McGee has his sister in town for the week and Abby lives in a one bedroom apartment, no room for you," Gibbs replied. "So what's your decision? My place or DiNozzo's?"

The elevator was quiet as Ziva contemplated. She wanted to be with Tony- he offered her a comfort she couldn't quite explain, but she would rather die than allow him to see her in her current state.

"I suppose I will stay with you," she said softly as the elevator doors open to reveal a parking garage.

"Good," his gruff voice said as they began to walk towards his car.

* * *

Gibbs opened his front door and held it open for Ziva as she walked into his living room, her eyes scanning the room.

"I have never gotten the chance to really look at your home," she said as she took her coat off and hung it on the rack. "It is very nice."

"Yeah," Gibbs laughed as he threw his coat on to the couch. "It works," he added as he headed towards the kitchen area. "What are you in the mood for?" he called. "I don't have much food in here, but I've got dozens of take out menus," he said as he emerged with a handful of handouts and delivery menus.

"I am not very hungry."

"Ziva," Gibbs said walking towards her. "You need to eat. You need to get something in your system, need to get some sort of nutrition."

"I do not think those menus are very nutritious," she said with a laugh.

"Order a salad," he said simply. "You have to eat, Ziva."

She let out a sigh and grabbed one of the menus from his hand. It was a Mediterranean menu, a food that Ziva always loved. Taking the menu, she sat down on the couch and smiled.

"I love Tabouleh," she said. "May I have Tabouleh with a side of grape leaves, perhaps?" she asked looking at Gibbs.

"Anything you want," Gibbs said grabbing his phone.

"I do not have my purse," Ziva said as he dialed the restaurant. "I must have left it in Tony's car when…This morning," she finished.

"Don't be stupid, David," Gibbs said. "I got it," he added just as a voice came through the other end of the phone asking for his order.

The food was delivered in less than twenty minutes, and the majority of those minutes were spent with Gibbs and Ziva sitting in silence, uncertain as to what needed to be said.

Finally, the doorbell rang and Gibbs jumped up to get the door. When he opened it, Ziva thought she heard a familiar voice coming from the door.

"One Tabouleh with grape leaves, one lamb kabob, and one giant order of hummus!"

"Thanks," Ziva heard Gibbs say. "Come on in," he added.

Ziva was confused as to why Gibbs was inviting the delivery boy in. She shook her head and just brushed it off as another American tradition she would never understand.

"Food's here, Ziver," Gibbs said as he set down the take out containers on the table in front of the couch.

"It looks great, thank you," she said. "Why did you invite the delivery boy in?" she asked as she searched the bag for the plastic silverware.

"I didn't invite him in," Gibbs said watching as Ziva began to eat her salad.

"He invited _me_ in," came a voice from the hallway.

Ziva's head shot up and she dropped her plastic fork into her salad.

"Tony…"

"Hey," he said giving her one of his thousand watt smiles.

"Wha—What are you doing here?" she asked. She had chosen to stay at Gibbs's house for the exact reason of avoiding Tony and not letting him see her in the state she was in.

"I invited him," came Gibbs's voice as he saw the way her eyes were darting between the two men. "I get the feeling you might have a bit of, well, shit to sort through."

Ziva looked at Gibbs, her eyes a mix of anger and confusion. "But, Gibbs…" she said. "I did not want to see Tony. I chose to stay here so I would not have--"

"Tough," Gibbs said. "I'm gonna go downstairs and I better not hear any yelling or see any blood splatter when I come up. Got it?"

Before either had the chance to respond, Gibbs had disappeared into his basement.

"Mind if I share that hummus with you?" Tony asked, pointing to the food sitting on the small table. He hated when any conversation turned more serious that The Notebook and so he just kept a smile plastered on his face.

"Why not?" Ziva replied, her defenses reappearing.

Tony smiled and took a seat next to her, grabbing some pita bread and devouring it with the hummus. He could feel her walls going back up, the defenses shutting him out, but he knew he had to at least try to get through to her.

Ziva left her Tabouleh untouched on the table, watching as Tony devoured his food.

"Why are you here?" she asked softly.

"Whaddya mean?" Tony asked, his mouth full of food.

"Why are you here?" she repeated. "Why did you come here? Did you not understand that I did not want to see you?"

Tony sighed and set the hummus on the table. "I know you didn't want to see me," he said.

"Then why did you come if you knew I did not want to see you?"

"Because _I _wanted to see _you_," he said with a small smile.

"Why do you want to see me?" Ziva questioned. "We have already discussed what took place in Somalia, we have already discussed why I chose to cut, what more is there to discuss?" Her voice grew a bit faster with each phrase.

"We need to discuss what happened the parking garage!" Tony said, trying his heardest to keep his voice below a yell.

"I do not see what needs to be discussed about that. I had a moment of weakness; I lost control for a few moments. That is all."

"Dammit, Ziva!" Tony yelled, slamming the hummus and pita onto the table. "You listed half a dozen ways you could kill yourself! You were screaming and fighting and grabbing for your knife! You were having a hell of a lot more than a moment of weakness!" he yelled, resisting the urge to grab her shoulders and just shake her.

"You were a cop!" she yelled just as loudly. "You could list several hundred ways to kill yourself just based on your field experience alone! And you get freaked out because I can list 6? And do not try to tell me you would not also struggle and grab for your knife if someone were holding you against your will! You--"

"You're damn right I would reach for a knife! But I would reach for it to use in self defense, not to slit my wrists open when a partner is trying to get me help and keep me alive!" Tony retorted.

Ziva shook her head. "Get out," she said angrily through clenched teeth.

When Tony remained sitting on the couch, Ziva had to clench her fists to keep herself from punching him.

"I said get out!" she cried.

"Now, why would--" Tony began to say, sarcasm dripping from his words.

She lost it. She grabbed the Tabouleh she had left abandoned on the table and rose up from the couch.

"I do not have to listen to you, Tony," she said. "If you are not going to leave, then I will. I am going to go into Gibbs's spare bedroom, lock the door, and throw away the key. Good night," she said as she spun on her heel and stormed out of the living room.

Tony watched her leave, his rage slowly lessening. He heard the door to the spare bedroom slam and he closed his eyes, exhaling a large sigh. _Way to screw things up, DiNozzo, _he thought to himself as he stood up and grabbed his coat. He turned towards the door and ran straight into Gibbs.

"Uh, sorry boss. I was just leaving," he stammered.

Gibbs reached around and gave Tony a slight slap on the head.

"What was that for?"

"I told you I didn't want to hear any screaming," he said.

"But boss, come on. I mean--"

"I know, DiNozzo. I know," Gibbs said with a smile. "Go home. Get some rest, take the day off tomorrow. I gotta take Ziva to her shrink, so I'll stop by your place to check up on ya after that."

"Really, boss," Tony said with a slight smile. "You don't have to come check on me at my apartment. I'm not that childish," he added.

But Gibbs didn't laugh. "I'll check on you on the way back from the shrink. Get some rest, DiNozzo," he said walking to the door and holding it open.

Tony sighed as he threw his coat on and walked out into the chilly autumn air. "See ya, boss," he called over his shoulder as he got into his car and slowly pulled out of the driveway.

* * *

Ziva had found Gibbs's spare bedroom and, as she told Tony she would, locked the door. The Tabouleh she had taken with her lay still untouched on the bedside table as she sat Indian style on the bed, staring down at the comforter.

Tears were stinging the corners as thoughts of Tony ran through her mind. She knew Tony cared about her, yet she was unable to allow herself to be vulnerable. She knew that everyone on the team was there to keep her safe, yet she couldn't bring herself to let her guard down completely. In reality, she felt as if she knew nothing.

The creaking of the door broke her from here trance. She looked up to see Gibbs entering the room.

"Hello, Gibbs," she stated as she furiously wiped the tears from the corners of her eyes.

"Hey, Ziver," he replied.

"I am sorry Tony and I were yelling earlier," she said as she struggled to keep herself composed.

"Apologies are a sign of weakness, Ziver," Gibbs said as he shut the door and sat down on the edge of the bed, facing her. "I thought I taught you that," he added with a smirk.

"Yes, you did," she said laughing.

"That shrink lady—Lisa, right?—called while you were with Tony," he said, not falling for the false laughter she was putting forward.

"She did?" Ziva asked. "I did not know she was planning on calling. What did she say?"

"She said she has an appointment booked for you tomorrow at 1400."

"Oh…" Ziva said, her face falling. She knew Gibbs had ordered her to see Lisa twice a week for the next month, but part of her still hoped she wouldn't have to.

Seeing her face fall, Gibbs shook his head. "David, you need to snap out of it!" he scolded.

Confusion filled Ziva's face as she looked at Gibbs. "Snap out of what? I do not understand…"

"Bullshit!" he said. "You know damn well what I mean! You need to snap out of it! You need to stop shutting all of us out! You need to stop blaming yourself for Jenny's death, for what happened with Rivkin, for what happened in Somalia, you need to stop! You need to stop keeping every single emotion bottled up and refusing to let us help you! You need--"

"I cannot!" Ziva screamed.

Gibbs stopped mid sentence when she screamed and looked at her. She hadn't been able to hold the tears in anymore and they were flowing freely down her face. Her shoulders were hunched over and she was rocking back and forth in a subtle, almost unnoticeable manner.

Gibbs sighed and stood up. He had encountered hundreds of crying women in his life and he knew that it was best to just let the tears flow and not try to comfort them or stop the tears.

So Gibbs slowly walked out of the guestroom and into his own room. He fumbled in his drawers to find a pair of sweat pants that would manage to fit her and, upon finding a semi-decent sized pair, padded into the kitchen.

He reached into his cupboard and pulled out a box of tea bags and set the tea kettle on the stove. He could still hear her cries, though they grew softer with each passing moment. He remained in the kitchen for a few more minutes, allowing the water to boil. Once it had boiled, he poured it into his largest mug and carried it back into the spare bedroom.

Ziva looked up when he entered the bedroom and smiled when she saw the mug of steaming liquid.

"Tea?" she whispered.

"With honey," he said handing it to her. "I've also got some sweats that might fit you," he said laying them on the foot of the bed.

"Thank you, Gibbs," Ziva said as she sipped the tea. "I did not mean to yell earlier," she added.

"I'd rather you yell at me then take the pissed off energy out on yourself," Gibbs replied.

Ziva smiled. "I suppose I will remember that," she said with a small laugh.

Gibbs let out a small laugh as he watched her drink the tea. "I'll let you get changed into the sweats and then the doctors want me to change your bandages," he said as he rose from the bed.

"Okay," Ziva said softly as she too rose from the bed.

When Gibbs shut the door, she let out a sigh and began to undress, quickly reaching for the sweats to cover her freezing body. Once she had pulled his large sweats on over her small body, she returned to the bed and crawled under the covers.

"I am done," she called to Gibbs.

Hearing that, Gibbs opened the door and walked back over to the bed. "Alrighty, lets see that arm," he said.

Ziva hesitantly held her arm out to Gibbs, her arm shaking slightly. She was terrified for Gibbs to see the scars she had inflicted upon herself and she jumped when she felt his rough hands begin to unwind the gauze.

When the scars were fully exposed, Ziva took a quick glance over at Gibbs to see his face. Like Tony's had been, there was no sign of anger or disgust. There was only concentration as he applied ointment onto the wounds and began to wrap fresh gauze around her arm.

"Thank you," she said as he taped off the gauze.

"Yep," Gibbs replied. "Doctor's orders."

"I do not mean for the gauze," she said as she took her arm back. "I mean for everything you have done for me these past four years…And these past four months."

"You're welcome," Gibbs said after a moment of hesitation. "You're welcome, Ziver," he added as he reached over and kissed Ziva on the forehead.


	9. Chapter 9

**So, I decided to skip ahead to Ziva's final week of therapy. I dunno why but it just seemed easier than writing about each boring, long, obnoxious session with a shrink. **

**I know everyone is gonna say how out of character this is for Ziva because she would never open up to a total stranger and stuff. Buuttttt. It's not that bad. When I first met my shrink, I only saw her every other week and I grew fairly comfortable with her within the first month. So, seeing Lisa twice a week for 3 weeks seems plausible for Ziva to start opening up.**

**And yes, I am aware of how awfully angsty this is. I apologize.  
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**I hope you guys enjoy this (terribly awful) chapter. Reviews are lovely!**

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"_Thank you," she said as he taped off the gauze. _

"_Yep," Gibbs replied. "Doctor's orders."_

"_I do not mean for the gauze," she said as she took her arm back. "I mean for everything you have done for me these past four years…And these past four months."_

"_You're welcome," Gibbs said after a moment of hesitation. "You're welcome, Ziver," he added as he reached over and kissed Ziva on the forehead. _

* * *

…**Three Weeks Later …**

It had been three weeks since Ziva entered therapy and Tony, along with the rest of the team, little by little began to see the spark returning to her eyes. Her warm laughter once again began to fill the bullpen, the banter between her and Tony quickly resumed, and the glow had been restored to her skin.

However, she still kept every memory and nightmare of Somalia tucked inside of her, only opening up in the privacy of Lisa's office. Every Tuesday and Thursday when Gibbs dropped Ziva off, Lisa would start off by asking if she had opened up to the team and the answer was always the same; no.

Ziva only had two sessions left before her mandatory month of therapy was up and she was ecstatic to finally be relieved of desk duty and get out in the field.

Ziva entered her second to last session beaming, eager to discuss her readiness to get back out into the field. Lisa's office had become a calming space for Ziva, a place where she actually felt like opening up. Ziva wasn't sure why, but she felt a connection to Lisa that made it easy to talk. It terrified her at first, opening up to a complete stranger, but she slowly began to realize that talking did in fact help.

There was a couch on one side of the room and, across from that, two leather rocking-type chairs. There of course was a desk and a few small bookshelves, but the room was clean and simple.

"So, Ziva," Lisa said with a bright smile. She sat in one of the leather chairs and watched as Ziva sat in the chair to her right. "Almost done with your mandatory month."

"Yes," she said with an equally bright smile. "I do not mean to hurt you, but I could not be happier that this month is almost over."

"Why is that? I thought you were enjoying therapy? You've grown more open and you say you haven't cut since we began which I'm not quite sure I believe and you yourself said--"

Lisa shook her head and laughed. "I do enjoy talking to you, but the sooner this month is over, the sooner I can get away from my desk and get back out into the field where I belong."

"How is that going to be for you?" Lisa questioned.

"What do you mean? I just said that I could not wait to get back into the field," Ziva said with a curious look on her face. "Everything will be perfect once I get back in the field!" Ziva added with a laugh.

Lisa let a few moments of silence pass between the two of them, not breaking the eye contact between her and Ziva. After a few moments, she spoke.

"What if you come across a case with a rape victim?" she asked. "A victim that was held against her will and raped every day for countless days. A victim similar to you," Lisa said, keeping her voice soft.

"I am _not_ a victim." Ziva said trying to contain both the anger and the terror that came with images of Somalia.

"Ziva, yes you are a victim. You are a victim of rape and of torture," Lisa said seeing how Ziva's face hardened. She continued to speak, not giving Ziva a chance to interrupt. "The word victim has a weak and negative connotation, but I assure you Ziva, you are not weak."

"Then why can I not control the nightmares?"

"This goes back to you opening up to people other than myself. Once you open up about what happened and talk about why you cut and why you still are afraid, the nightmares will slowly leave," Lisa said. "Speaking of which, have you begun to talk to anyone on the team?"

"No, I have not," Ziva said, the hardened shell she had put up when Lisa called her a victim slowly lessening.

"Ziva…"

"I do not see why I must speak to the team!" Ziva said. Every time the two of them met, this conversation came up.

"You don't need to talk to them," Lisa said with a shrug. "You could not talk to them and live with the nightmares and the fears and the cutting the rest of your life."

Ziva's shell fell and she had to look out the window away from Lisa to stop herself from crying. She sat staring out the window for a few minutes, the room silent.

"I do not know how," Ziva whispered.

"Pardon?" Lisa asked.

"I do not know how to talk to them," Ziva said turning around. "How does one bring up the topic of daily rape and torture and self-mutilation to one's family?"

"That, Ziva," Lisa said, "is up to you."

Ziva let out a small chuckle. "You are not very helpful today, are you?" she said with a laugh.

"I do my best," Lisa joked. "I have one more question before we wrap up for the day," Lisa added.

"Okay. Fire," Ziva said spinning her chair to be face to face with Lisa.

"I think you mean 'shoot,' not 'fire,'" Lisa said with a smile. "Have you cut since we began therapy?"

Fear flashed across Ziva's eyes. Lisa hadn't asked her if she had cut at all the past three weeks and she chose to this day to ask. Why? Ziva knew if she told the truth, Vance would surely make her stay in therapy and desk duty for another month.

"No, I have not," Ziva said with a smile. "I have been cut-free for three weeks," she added, hoping to distract Lisa from the subject.

"Why is it I don't believe you?" Lisa asked, her face serious.

"I do not know," Ziva said with a shrug.

"Ziva…" Lisa said, watching how Ziva's eyes kept glancing at the clock, willing it to move faster.

Ziva broke. "Okay, I have cut," she said with an exasperated sigh.

"How often?" Lisa asked, concern filling her voice.

"Too often," Ziva said as the tears she had held back earlier returned to her eyes.

"Can you give me an estimate? A general idea? Once a week? Twice a week?" Lisa inquired. "I need to know."

"Try every other day," Ziva whispered.

"Every other day??" Lisa said, unable to mask the shock in her voice. "Ziva, that is--"

"Not all of the cuts are as severe as the ones I was in the hospital with!" Ziva quickly replied. "Some of them are that deep and large, but a majority of them are done with a safety pin or my fingernails or some other minor instrument!" Ziva continued to add details, trying to lessen the severity of the fact she had cut that frequently. "And they are not all on my arms!" she added. "Some are on my legs and my thighs and--"

"Ziva, you don't have to defend yourself around me," Lisa said stopping Ziva mid sentence. "May I ask why you cut?"

"The dreams."

"The dreams," Lisa repeated.

"They are so real. I cannot sleep through the night anymore. I wake up and I just need to cut. I need to feel something other than his body on top of me. I need to see something other than his face…"

Lisa smiled as she saw a tear fall from Ziva's face. "This is the most open I've seen you since we first met."

"I should go," Ziva said as she stood and pulled her coat on. "Gibbs is probably waiting outside to take me back to NCIS."

"Okay," Lisa said as she stood up and held the door open for Ziva. "Remember, Director Vance has made arrangements for Thursday's session to be two hours just so we can wrap everything up."

"Yes," Ziva said as she turned her back to Lisa and walked briskly towards the door, desperate to breathe in the chill November air.

* * *

Thursday came by at much to slow a pace for Ziva. But, sure enough, it came and she couldn't have been happier. Gibbs had even given her permission to drive herself to Lisa's office, a task he usually performed. He trusted her to not try and escape from this, her last session.

Ziva sprinted up the stairs to Lisa's office, a smile on her face. She knew Lisa was not going to let her go without discussing how the last session had ended and she knew that the session was probably going to be more intense than she would like, but she didn't care. She just had to keep composed for one person for two hours and she would be away from the desk for good.

She had even decided to dress up a tad for the final session. She wore a pair of dark denim trousers that hugged her curves perfectly and brought attention to the small pair of red kitten heels she had decided to wear. Her top was an emerald green sweater, the deep V neck drawing attention to her bare clavicle where her Star of David used to lay. She chose to leave her hair down, the curls cascading down her shoulders.

Ziva sighed as she sat down in the waiting room adjacent to Lisa's office. Flipping through the out dated magazines, she anxiously waited to hear the door knob turn and see Lisa's face beckoning her into the office. Finally, she heard the knob turning and she was on her feet before Lisa had even finished opening the door.

"Nervous?" Lisa asked, seeing how Ziva was already standing and ready to enter her office.

"I think the right word is excited, yes?" Ziva replied as she smiled at Lisa and began to walk towards the door that connected the waiting room with Lisa's office.

"Oh, we're going to be in this office," Lisa said pointing down a small hallway that branched from the waiting room. "My office is being repainted and it smells terrible in there," she added with a laugh.

"This one?" Ziva asked pointing to an open door about half way down the hallway.

"That's the one!" Lisa smiled.

But as Ziva turned to pass through the open doorway to the office, she stopped dead in her tracks and the smile fell from her face.

"Hey, Ziver."

* * *

**DunDunDunnnnnnnn**

**Totally awful ending? Totally weird? Totally awesome? **

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	10. Chapter 10

So, I wrote this whole thing in one sitting. I just needed to get it out, I suppose.

Special thanks to GibbsGirl219 for reviewing the last chapter and giving me a few ideas that I've incorporated into this story.

Please lemme know what you think and give me any ideas for what you'd like to see in the future!

* * *

"_Oh, we're going to be in this office," Lisa said pointing down a small hallway that branched from the waiting room. "My office is being repainted and it smells terrible in there," she added with a laugh._

"_This one?" Ziva asked pointing to an open door about half way down the hallway._

"_That's the one!" Lisa smiled._

_But as Ziva turned to pass through the open doorway to the office, she stopped dead in her tracks and the smile fell from her face. _

"_Hey, Ziver."_

* * *

It took Ziva a few moments to process the scene in front of her. The room was larger than Lisa's usual office—it had two small couches, two overstuffed chairs, and one of the leather rocking chairs Ziva assumed had been brought in from Lisa's office. But it wasn't the abundance of furniture that kept Ziva from speaking.

What kept her from speaking was the fact that the entire team was sitting on that furniture.

Gibbs and Ducky sat next to each other one on couch while McGee and Abby shared the second couch. Tony—the person she was dreading talking to the most—sat in one of the large chairs by the windows.

"I hope you don't mind," Lisa said from behind Ziva. "But I thought I would invite your team members here to talk a bit about--"

"I do mind!" Ziva yelled as she spun around to face Lisa. "I--"

"Ziva," Gibbs said, his gruff voice causing Ziva to spin back around to face him.

"No, Gibbs!" she said, her voice just under a yell. "You all had no right to come here and gang up on me! To come here and corner me! You have no right to be here!" she said, her eyes darting around to everyone in the room. Their voices all began to blend together, jumbling together in Ziva's mind.

"We just want to talk."

"You are in pain my dear. We want to help."

"Ziva, we just want to help," Abby said rising from her spot next to McGee.

"Do. Not. Come. Near. Me," Ziva said staring down Abby. "I do not want to be near any of you! I do not want to talk to you!" she said, growing more frantic by the moment. She was starting to feel like a trapped animal, an animal out of control. She turned to leave the office but was stopped by Lisa.

"Ziva," Lisa said calmly.

"I cannot believe you did this," Ziva said through clenched teeth. "I _trusted_ you! I told you I would speak to them when I was ready. I did not want you to force me to spend two hours with them talking to them about everything. I cannot believe I ever trusted you!" she cried.

"This session isn't about you talking to them," Lisa said, effectively blocking Ziva's only exit. "This is about them talking to you. You don't need to say a word if you don't want to," she added.

"I hate you," Ziva said to Lisa, giving her a death stare as she walked to the over stuffed chair next to Tony, her arms crossed in front of her defensively.

"Alright," Lisa said as she sat down in her chair. "I originally asked you all to write Ziva a letter that I would give to her today, but I decided to invite you all here. I just want to give you guys the chance to talk to Ziva and I want Ziva to listen to what you have to say. Really listen," she stated. "Dr. Mallard, would you like to get things started?"

"I would love to. And, please, call me Ducky," he said giving Lisa a smile.

"Okay, Ducky," Lisa replied.

"Ziva, my dear. I don't think you know how much you are loved at NCIS. I know you and I are not as close as, perhaps, you and Anthony or you and Timothy, but I consider you to be somewhat of a daughter to me. You are wise beyond your years, my dear, and I know that I can always count on you to listen to my stories and stimulate me with our intelligent conversations."

Ducky took a breath and pulled a handkerchief out of his pocket.

"When you stayed in Israel and when you were held in Somalia, life became a tad bit more boring. I often found myself driving to our lunch locations, only to remember you wouldn't be there. I would remember a story that I thought you would love and I would have to remind myself that you weren't here to listen. And now that you're back, I couldn't be happier. I finally have someone who will listen to my stories and my thoughts again. You are such a wonderful woman, Ziva. Seeing you hurting yourself and seeing you in this much pain is torture for me. I want you to know that I couldn't think higher of you and that, like you have been for me, I will always be here to listen to your stories."

Once he finished, Ducky nodded to Lisa and dabbed at the corners of his eyes, wiping the tears away. "I think I am done for now," he said.

Ziva continued to sit in the chair, eyes staring at her hands in her lap. Her face was void of emotions, but underneath there were dozens of memories of the lunches she and Ducky had shared, his laughter filling the car as they drove to their destinations.

"Can I go next?" Abby asked, pulling Ziva's thoughts away from Ducky.

"Of course, Abby," Lisa said with a smile. She hadn't noticed it before, but Abby was hugging a stuffed hippo.

"Cool," Abby said as she stood up and walked over to Ziva. "I brought Bert for you. He always makes me feel better, and I think you could use him more than I could."

Ziva reached out and took Bert in her arms, giving Abby a forced smile. "Toda," she murmured as Abby walked back to her seat next to McGee.

"When you first came to NCIS," Abby began, "I hated you. Well, I didn't hate you. I just hated the fact that you were taking Kate's place. That you were sitting at her desk, that you were the woman on the team, that you were replacing her. Not to mention that you were related to the man who killed her. That really bugged me."

Abby stopped talking for a moment, taking time to catch her breath. But she wasn't silent for long.

"But I've learned you're so much more than Ari's brother and that you're not Kate's replacement. Ziva, you're my best friend! We've had so much fun these past four years. We've had girl nights at your place, which is so weird because I never imagined you'd be the type for girl nights, let alone be the best manicurist I've ever had! We've played so many pranks on Tony and McGee and we've always gotten away with them. Well, Gibbs might have known, but he's never said anything, which is good, because those pranks were hysterical!"

Abby's eyes began to grow misty. Ziva's lips curved into a smile as she remembered the times she and Abby had shared. But the smile didn't stay long.

"When you stayed in Israel, I was alone. Yeah, I had Tony and McGee and Gibbs and the nuns, but I didn't have you. I didn't have my best friend! I kept your picture up in my lab and every day I would pray that you would come home. Every time my lab doors opened, I would wish it was you walking through the doors. And then when we heard about the Damocles! Ohmigosh. I was so terrified. Everyone said you were dead and I just couldn't believe it. My heart said you were alive, but…I was so worried!" Abby cried as she stood up and ran over, giving both Ziva and Bert a giant squeeze.

Abby's hug was interrupted, however, by a rather large fart. "I guess that's my cue to shut up," she said smiling as she pulled away from Ziva's stoic form and adjusted her pigtails.

"Your turn, Timmy!" she said as she curled up next to him.

"Okay," McGee said with a sigh. "Uh, I'm not quite sure I can top what Abby just said…" he said with a nervous smile.

"Remember that time you told me that my butt was higher on a scale than Tony's?"

Ziva didn't respond, just kept her eyes down cast. Inside her head, however, the memory of that day played in her head. It was a day she would give anything to go back to, a day that all of the team was truly happy.

"Well, whenever I have a bad day or I can't think of anything to write, I think of that. Well, not that you like my butt, but that you give me some of the best compliments. Yeah, people tell me I'm smart and good with computers, but you're one of the people who I believe. You're sincere, Ziva, and you can always make me feel like more than a probie," he said with a slight laugh.

"Agent Gibbs?" Lisa asked after a few moments of silence. "Would you like to go next?"

"Sure," the silver haired agent said. "Ziver, you and I both know that replacing a loved one is impossible. It's Shannon and Kelly for me and its Tali and Ari for you. But Ziva…You're like a daughter to me. And you've told me I'm the closest thing you have to a father…" Gibbs sighed as he saw Ziva staring at her lap. "David!" he said, causing her head to snap up. "That's it," he said with a smile. "Why didn't you come to me? When a daughter is in pain, she goes to her father. Why didn't you tell me about the nightmares and the cutting? Ziva, families don't keep secrets from one another. That's a rule: no secrets between family members. And this, Ziva, was a huge secret. So not only did you deliberately break one of my rules, you…You're also breaking my heart when I see how much pain you're in."

Watching Gibbs talk, Ziva couldn't help but let a few tears fall from her face. Gibbs was her father and seeing how much pain she put him through killed her.

Ziva raised her hand to wipe the tears from her face, but was stopped when Ducky handed her a handkerchief.

"I brought along a few extras," he said with a wink.

Ziva smiled, but shook her head, refusing the cloth. She just furiously wiped the tears from her face, trying not to disturb the make up she had applied.

"It seems that it's your turn, Agent DiNozzo," Lisa said.

Ziva couldn't bring herself to look at Tony, so she just resumed her previous position and stared down at her lap.

"Zi, look at me," Tony said softly. "Please?"

Reluctantly, she turned her head and faced Tony. She made eye contact with him and almost broke down. Memories of that night came flooding into her mind, playing over and over. Slapping him, crying, begging him to give her the knife back, the sex that she barely remembered…

"Ziva, I love you. And I know you know that and I'm pretty sure that the rest of the world knows that it too," he said with a slight smile. "I've lost Kate and I've lost Jen," he stammered, "Ziva, I can't lose you," he said, his eyes growing misty. "And right now it feels like I'm losing you. I'm losing you to the nightmares and to the pain and…and to the knife," he said, the tears he had desperately been trying to keep at bay falling down his cheeks. "You used to have this sparkle, this glow around you but now you don't. Yeah, it's there sometimes, but it's dull and fake and it's not the same Ziva I knew before Somalia. I'm losing you Ziva, and I'll be damned if I let you get away."

Ziva saw his tears falling down his face and had to look away. But when she looked at the others, they all had tears forming in their eyes as well. Abby and McGee were remembering Kate, Ducky and Gibbs thinking of Jenny, and Lisa just plain old was thinking about what was going on in front of her.

"I am sorry," Ziva said softly, causing everyone in the room to look up at her. "I do not want to cause all of you this pain," she managed to get out before tears began to pour from her eyes. "It just…It seemed you were all recovering from Somalia and I felt that I should be as well. You all seemed to be moving on and I did not want to be the one holding you back, so I just continued to keep everything inside. But now that I know you were all doing the same thing as I was," she said smiling, "I realize just how much I screwed up."

"Yeah, you might've screwed up a bit," Gibbs said. "But you're alive, Ziver, and that's what we care about."

The room fell silent as each member of the team began to compose themselves.

"Well," Lisa said breaking the silence. "Our time is up for today."

The team all rose from their seats and began to exit her office until only Ziva, Tony, and Lisa were in the office.

"Thank you, Lisa," Ziva said giving her a hug. "You have helped me more than you know."

"It was my pleasure," Lisa said as she gave Ziva a pat on the back. "Now get going, I'm sure there's gonna be some field work for you to do," she said laughing.

"Bye," Tony said to Lisa as he and Ziva turned to exit the office.

Once the two were outside the office, Tony stopped Ziva.

"I meant everything I said in there," Tony said. "I love you so much, Ziva."

"I love you, too," Ziva said, her eyelashes growing damp once again.

"So," Tony said as he took Ziva's hand in his own and intertwined their fingers. "My place or yours?"

Ziva stopped walking and turned to him. "I think I would like to spend tonight alone. I need time to go over all that was said here and think of what is going to come next."


	11. Chapter 11

**Once again, I wrote this all in one sitting.**

** School starts up in less than a week, so I'm making sure I get all this pent up creativity out before school begins to once again suck the life out of me. **

**Please, please, please review! Let me know what I can do better, what you want to see happen, anything!**

**3**

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"_I meant everything I said in there," Tony said. "I love you so much, Ziva."_

"_I love you, too," Ziva said, her eyelashes growing damp once again._

"_So," Tony said as he took Ziva's hand in his own and intertwined their fingers. "My place or yours?"_

_Ziva stopped walking and turned to him. "I think I would like to spend tonight alone. I need time to go over all that was said here and think of what is going to come next." _

* * *

"Zi," Tony said, concern in his voice. "I don't think that's the best idea. I mean, today was pretty intense and a lot went down and what if you--"

Tony was silenced when Ziva placed her finger against his lips. "Tony," she said gently. "I will be perfectly fine. Yes, these past two hours were very intense and that is why I would like to be alone. I just…need time to think."

"But--"

"Please, Tony," Ziva said looking into his eyes. "I promise that I will be safe."

Tony sighed. He desperately wanted to be with her tonight, to just sit and _be_ with her. But he knew that it was impossible to try and argue.

"You promise that you'll be safe? You promise that you'll call me if you need me?"

"I promise," Ziva smiled. She stood up on her tip toes and gave him a soft kiss on the cheek. "Thank you," she whispered in his ear as she did so.

Reluctantly, Tony pulled his hand from Ziva's and opened the door to her mini-cooper. "Madam," he said with a smile.

"Toda," she said as she sat down in the driver's seat and pulled the door shut. She blew Tony a kiss and, just as he blew her one, put her car into drive and pulled out of the parking lot, heading towards her apartment since Gibbs had given her the remainder of the day off.

"Please be safe…" Tony said as he walked to his own car and began the drive back to NCIS.

* * *

By the time Ziva returned to her apartment, it was 5:30 pm. After leaving her appointment, she had gone to the supermarket to get food to fill her empty cupboards and refrigerator. She sighed as she flicked the light to her apartment on and set the bags of groceries on the counters.

"Home, sweet home," she said to no one as she began to unpack the groceries and restock her barren kitchen. Her thoughts were swirling around the events of the day and she couldn't stop the constant replay of words.

_Seeing you hurting yourself and seeing you in this much pain is torture for me…I kept your picture up in my lab and every day I would pray that you would come home…You're sincere, Ziva, and you can always make me feel like more than a probie…So not only did you deliberately break one of my rules, you--You're also breaking my heart when I see how much pain you're in…I'm losing you Ziva, and I'll be damned if I let you get away…_

Suddenly Ziva was snapped from her reverie as her phone began to ring. She took a deep breath and shook her head, trying in vain to get rid of the thoughts in her mind.

"Hello?" she said into the phone, not bothering to check the caller ID.

"Hey," the voice on the other end of the line said.

"Hi, Tony," Ziva said smiling. "How are you?"

"I'm fine, just getting ready to leave because we don't really have any cases."

"Lucky you," Ziva replied.

"Yeah," Tony said with a forced laugh. "I, uh, was just calling to see if you needed anything. If you wanted me to bring dinner over or something. I just rented these great movies that I think you would love and--"

"Tony," Ziva said interrupting him. "On any other night I would love for you to visit but not tonight. I really do need time to think."

"I know you do, Zi," Tony sighed. "I just…I'm just worried."

"Do not be worried, Tony. I promised that I would be safe and I will stand by that promise."

She could hear Tony sigh on the other end. "Okay," he finally said. "I'll see you tomorrow?"

"Of course!" she said. "I could not be happier to finally get away from that desk!"

"And I couldn't be happier to have you back in the field. McGoo is driving me crazy!"

"Goodnight, Tony," Ziva said laughing.

"Goodnight, Zi," Tony said before closing his cell phone and exhaling a large breath. He knew she would turn him down, but some part of him prayed she might not. Thoughts reeling, Tony grabbed his coat and bag and headed towards the elevator.

Back at Ziva's apartment, Ziva had moved into her bedroom, ignoring the rumbling in her stomach. She walked into her bathroom and shut the door, turning to face herself in the mirror. Slowly she removed her clothes, leaving just her red bra and matching boy shorts on.

She let her eyes roam over her body, taking in the scars that marred it. Some, mainly the ones on her back, were from her time in Somalia and were caused by Saleem. The majority of the scars, however, were caused by her own knives. The scars were grouped in bunches around her body. There were scars on her thighs, her stomach, her arms; one even went from her knee down to her toes.

Ziva pulled her eyes away from the mirror and turned them instead to the shower, turning the knob and drawing water for a bath. She smiled as she poured a capful of lavender scented bubble bath under the stream of steaming water, watching bubbles form rapidly. Turning the water off, Ziva shed her remaining articles of clothing and lowered herself into the tub, sighing as the hot water enveloped her body.

She closed her eyes and leaned her head against the wall, desperately trying to relax. But she couldn't. The thoughts of the day kept playing in her mind, over and over, leaving her feeling powerless and out of control. She tried to push the thoughts from her mind, tried to focus on how she would get to back in the field tomorrow, tried to focus on anything but the thoughts spinning in her head.

"Damnit!" Ziva screamed, clenching her eyes shut and kicking the tub with her legs, the water splashing over the tub. She reached over the edge of the tub and was able to stretch long enough to reach her countertop. Feeling around in one of the drawers, she felt her fingers clasp around a cool piece of steel.

"Yes," she breathed as she picked it up and brought it into the tub with her. She held it in her hands, watching as the light bounced off the metal. She just continued to stare at the razor blade, almost in a trance. She placed the blade at the crook of her elbow and closed her eyes, preparing to feel the bite of the blade.

Then Tony's voice filled her head.

_Ziva, I can't lose you…And right now it feels like I'm losing you. I'm losing you to the nightmares and to the pain and…and to the knife._

Hearing his voice in her head, Ziva pulled the blade away from her arm and threw it as hard as she could across the room, embedding it into the wall.

She stood up from the bath and pulled her bra and panties back on, shivering as she reached for her fuzzy floor length robe and tied it tightly around her waist. Then, without bothering to dry herself off, she crawled under the covers of her bed and let her head hit the pillow. And, for the first time since she returned, Ziva let herself cry. Really cry. She didn't hold anything back as hundreds of tears fell from her eyes and covered her pillow. Her entire body shook as sobs racked her body.

Her hands had made their way up to her hair and she was pulling on her hair, trying to distract herself with the pain. But it failed.

"I cannot do this," she sobbed to herself. "I cannot."

Without warning, Ziva threw the covers from her body and rose from the bed. Ignoring the fact that she had nothing more than a bra, panties, and a robe on, Ziva pulled on the first pair of shoes she found and grabbed her keys, walking in a trance like state to her car.

Before she knew it, she found herself standing in front of his doorway. She didn't remember driving there and she didn't remember walking up the stairs, yet she somehow managed to make it this far. Raising her hand slowly, he placed a few soft knock on his door.

Inside his apartment, Tony was wearing a pair of sweatpants and watching Die Hard, one of his Top 20 Movies. Hearing the knock, he checked his watch and moaned. 10:57 pm. Pausing the movie, he managed to drag his butt to the doorway and unlock it.

"What on Earth is someone doing at my doorstep at," he began to say as he pulled the door open, yet he abruptly stopped. "Ziva," he breathed.

"May I come in?" she whispered, unable to make eye contact with him.

"Of course!" Tony said moving aside to let her enter. "Is everything okay?" he asked, concern filling both his voice and his face.

"No," she said, her voice soft and scared.

"Zi, what's wrong?" he asked taking her hand and guiding her to his couch, sitting her down then taking a seat next to her.

"I could not control them," she said, looking into his eyes. There was a vulnerability in her eyes that Tony had never seen before. "Everything the team said today continued to play in my mind and I could not get the words to stop. I…I wanted to cut, Tony."

"Did you?"

"No," she said with the hint of a smile. "But I came so close. I had the blade on my arm and…I heard your voice."

"Oh, Ziva," Tony breathed. "Come here," he said as he held his arms out.

Ziva didn't resist. She let herself collapse into Tony's arms and let the tears from earlier return, the sobs shaking her body.

"I cannot do this, Tony," she managed to say. "I cannot live like this," she added, the flow of tears not slowing.

Tony put his hands on her shoulders and forced her to look at him.

"Yes you can, Ziva. You can do this. You're the strongest person I've ever known. You have the strength to live and to get through this."

Tony leaned in and pressed his lips to hers, tasting the salt of her tears.

Ziva smiled when she felt his lips on her own but she pulled hers away after a few moments. She rested her forehead against his, their faces millimeters apart.

"Do you promise?" she asked, mimicking the conversation they had earlier that day.

"I promise," Tony replied. "I promise," he said again, placing another kiss on her salty lips.

* * *

The two of them continued to sit on the couch, just being near each other. Ziva continued to cry and Tony continued to comfort her, allowing her to fall apart for as long as she needed. Finally, after about a half an hour, Ziva's breathing became more regular.

"Feeling better?" Tony asked, looking over at her tear stained face.

"Yes," she said softly.

"I'm glad," he said as he placed a kiss on the crown of her head. "How about we get you into some pajamas?" he suggested.

"I think that would be a good idea," she replied with a forced laugh, looking down at the fuzzy robe she had worn. Forcing herself into a standing position, she took Tony's hand as he walked her to the bedroom.

She stood in the doorway as he rummaged around, trying to find a decent sized pair of sweatpants and a shirt. Finally finding some, he walked over to her in the doorway and handed them to her.

"For you, madam," he said with a smile.

"Toda," she said taking the pants and shirt from his arms.

"I'll go out and make us some tea while you get dressed," he said as he began to walk towards the kitchen.

"Wait!" Ziva said, the urgency of her voice surprising even her.

"Yeah?" Tony asked, turning to face her.

"Come in here," she said, her voice softer now. "Please?"

"Alright…" Tony said, unsure as to what was going to take place. She turned the light on and had to close her eyes to the brightness. She took his hand and guided him to the edge of the bed, pushing him into a sitting position.

She took a few steps back and slowly untied her robe.

"Zi, what are you doing? I don't think this--"

"Tony," she said. "I know what I am doing and what I am doing is not what you are thinking," she added. She took a deep breath and shrugged, letting the robe fall to the floor. Tony couldn't help by gasp as he saw the scars. They had made love weeks ago, yet he had failed to see them.

"Ziva…" he said.

"You did not see them when we had sex because I have become an expert at hiding them. I have make up and the lights at my apartment are dark. It makes them almost invisible," she said, seeing the confusion in his face. "They are disgusting and ugly, but I wanted to show you. I wanted--"

Tony held up a finger to her, stopping her mid-sentence. He didn't say a word. He simply beckoned her over to him. Their bodies were mere centimeters from each others and, since he was still sitting, his face was right at her stomach where a small group of angry pink scars stood out against her olive skin.

"They are beautiful," he whispered as he placed a kiss on the scars.

Ziva closed her eyes as she felt his warm breath tickle her stomach, his lips pressing against the scars she had inflicted upon herself.

Tony tugged gently on her hand, signaling for her to join him on the bed. She complied, lying down on the bed next to him. She wasn't sure what was going to come next, but she didn't really care.

"Open your eyes," Tony whispered to her.

When she did so, she found his face right above his. "You're beautiful," he said before placing a gentle kiss on her lips.

He then moved his lips down to her arms, placing gentle kisses along the scars. He slowly moved down the rest of her body, stopping at her stomach, her thighs, her legs; anywhere he found a scar, he would place soft, gentle kisses along it. He would occasionally murmur words such as 'beautiful, perfect, and gorgeous,' ensuring that Ziva knew how much he loved her. The kisses were light, barely there, yet still sent shivers down her spine. He finished his exploration of her scars by tracing the scar than went from her knee down to the very end of her foot with his lips, peppering it with kisses.

He moved his head back up to hers, smiling as he saw the look of peace on her face that he hadn't seen in month.

"Are you going to kiss me?" she asked softly, her eyes remaining closed.

Tony smiled and placed a kiss on her lips. This time, however, it was Ziva who tasted salt.

"Tony?" she asked, pulling away from him and opening her eyes. What she saw almost broke her heart. Tony's face, like hers had been, was tear stained with bright red eyes. "What is wrong?" she asked, placing a hand on his cheek and wiping the tears with her thumb.

"I love you," was all he could say before the tears began to flow from his eyes once again. "I love you so, so much."


	12. Chapter 12

**Happy New Year! This is my year--Class of 2010! ^_^**

**Anyways, I hope you enjoy this chapter. It was kinda weird for me to write for some reason.**

**A special thanks to GibbsGirl219! She gave me the idea for the bar scene with Tony and Gibbs and she always gives me the biggest boosts of self-confidence everrrr. You guys should be more like her, fer real. **

**Review!**

* * *

"_Are you going to kiss me?" she asked softly, her eyes remaining closed. _

_Tony smiled and placed a kiss on her lips. This time, however, it was Ziva who tasted salt. _

"_Tony?" she asked, pulling away from him and opening her eyes. What she saw almost broke her heart. Tony's face, like hers had been, was tear stained with bright red eyes. "What is wrong?" she asked, placing a hand on his cheek and wiping the tears with her thumb. _

"_I love you," was all he could say before the tears began to flow from his eyes once again. "I love you so, so much."_

* * *

This time, it was Ziva's turn to do the comforting. She had somehow managed to pull the blankets out from under their bodies and was now lying under the comforter with Tony, gently running her hands through his hair.

"I am sorry," she said softly, not expecting him to hear.

"What?" Tony asked, turning towards her and propping himself onto his elbow.

"I am sorry," she repeated as she stared up at him, both of their eyes reddened from the tears. "If I had not doubted you and if I had not stayed in Israel, none of this would have happened. If I had just talked to the team and not started cutting, you would not be in such pain. It is my fault this is happening."

"No, Ziva," Tony said. "This is the farthing thing from your fault. Don't you ever think that this is your fault."

"Tony, it is I who did not believe you when you told me Michael was using me. It is I who chose to stay with Mossad and not with NCIS. It is I who chose to not talk about Somalia and it is I who started cutting. _I_ have brought this pain on you and the team."

"We let you stay in Israel and didn't try to convince you to stay. We also chose not to talk about Somalia, letting you think we were over almost losing you. I noticed you seemed strangely calm and that something was wrong, yet I didn't do a damn thing," he said, shaking his head at his ignorance. "You can't blame these past few months on any one person or any one group, Zi," Tony said, placing a finger under her chin and making sure they had eye contact.

"Then why do I feel that your pain is entirely my fault?" she asked, her voice shaking, tears threatening to fall from her eyes once again.

"Because, Zi," Tony said, "that's what happens when you fall in love," he finished before pressing his lips gently to hers.

Ziva's heart fluttered. Yes, they had said how much they loved each other, but…But he was _in_ love with her. As she was with him.

"I am in love with you, too," she whispered against his mouth.

"I'm glad," he said with a small laugh. "We should get some sleep," he said, gesturing to the clock. It read 12: 17.

And with that, Tony wrapped his arm around her, sighing as he felt her lay her head over his heart.

"Goodnight, my ninja," Tony said, pulling her as close to him as possible.

"Laila tov, my little fuzzy butt…Ani Ohevet Otcha," she added, entangling her legs with his.

* * *

At exactly 5:02 in the morning, Ziva began to stir, her body urging her to get out of bed and run. And she almost did. But feeling Tony's arm around her and feeling their legs entwined…She just couldn't leave.

Groaning softly as she glanced at the clock, she buried her head into the crook of Tony's neck, letting her body relax.

"Zi?..."

"I do not like mornings," she whispered into his neck.

"I thought you loved--"

"Tony," she said, putting her hand over his mouth. "Sleep."

And with that, the two of them fell back asleep until the glow of the sun began to filter through the window. Tony woke first, smiling as he saw Ziva's hair coving the pillow and the look of peace she had on her face. _Probably the first night she hasn't had a nightmare in months,_ he thought to himself. But he knew he had to wake her up.

"Wakey, wakey," he whispered in her ear.

"I would rather not," she mumbled.

Tony couldn't help but laugh. "If you don't wake up," he started, "we'll be late and Gibbs might decide to punish us by putting us on desk duty."

Her eyes flew open and she glared at Tony. "Do not ever mention desk duty to me again," she said.

"Good morning," he said with a grin.

"Boker tov," she responded, giving his lips a soft kiss. "What time is it?" she asked, sitting up on the bed, revealing her still barely clothed body.

"6:15," Tony said, reclining against the headboard.

"What?!" Ziva cried, throwing the covers from her body. "Tony! We have to be at NCIS at 7:00! I need to shower, not to mention drive back to my apartment and get clothes!" she said, searching for her robe.

"Zi," Tony said, walking over to her and taking her wrist in his hand. "Remember when you had to stay with me for a few days after Somalia while you found an apartment?"

"Yes…" Ziva said, smiling she eyed his bare torso.

"Well, you left some clothes here and…I guess I just never returned them," he said with a sheepish grin.

"You kept clothes of mine and did not return them to me?"

"Well…" Tony stammered, unsure how to respond.

"You are lucky you are so very handsome," Ziva replied, running her hands over his abs. "Or else I might have to find a paperclip," she laughed.

"Well, since I'm so very handsome," he grinned, "what would you say to taking that shower together? To save time, of course."

She raised a questioning eyebrow at him. "To save time?" she mocked.

"Yeah, ya know. One shower versus two. Saves a lot of time. And if we save time, we won't be late and Gibbs won't have to put us on--"

"Do not say those next two words!" Ziva warned. "And I suppose taking the shower together would be beneficial…To save time, of course."

And with that, she took his hands in hers and began to walk backwards, leading him to the master bathroom. Stepping under the spray of hot water, Ziva closed her eyes and relaxed into Tony's embrace. He massaged the shampoo and conditioner into her hair and she, in turn, massaged body wash into his back.

By the time they had finished with their joint shower and gotten dressed, it was 6:45 and Ziva was tugging on his hand, urging him out the door.

"We are going to be late if you do not hurry up and stop messing with your hair!" she scolded.

"I am not 'messing with' my hair!" Tony said, feigning shock. "I am styling it."

"Whatever it is, we need to hurry."

"Ziva," Tony said, stopping his styling for just a moment to look at her. "You can leave. You drove her, you have your car."

Ziva's face fell. _He wants you to leave,_ she thought. _You should not have been so stupid to stay the night. Of course he would want you gone in the morning._ _He even said Ziva. Not Zi…_

"Zi," Tony said, as if reading her mind. "I know what you're thinking. And I don't want you to leave. If I could have it my way, I would never leave your side." Ziva smiled, resisting the urge to kiss him. "But what would it look like if you and I walked in at the exact same time? What would it look like if I were on time?" he asked.

"I had not thought of that…" she replied. "I am sorry."

"Nothing to be sorry for," he said as he kissed her cheek. "Now you should get going. Even with your crazy driving, it's gonna be hard to get to NCIS on time. And, ya know, Gibbs does have a lot of paperwork…"

Before he had even finished his sentence, Ziva was out the door, all but running to her car. Driving to the Navy Yard, Ziva's heart was soaring. She knew that what brought her and Tony together wasn't the most romantic of things, yet she couldn't help but feel giddy. She felt like a teenage girl, giggling over her first crush.

Racing up the stairs, to impatient to wait for the elevator, Ziva let out a sigh when she saw that she was the first one in the bull pen. Glancing at her watch, she grinned. 6:59. She had barely made it.

Sitting down at her desk, Ziva began to check her e-mails, only stopping to greet McGee and Gibbs when they walked past her desk.

She smelt him before she saw him. His aftershave was intoxicating and sent chills up her spine, even though he hadn't even entered the bullpen.

"Morning Boss!" he said, his voice chipper. "Morning Probies!"

"Good morning," Ziva said, glancing up at him and smiling.

"DiNozzo," Gibbs said. "Nice of you to join us. Gear up. Got a petty officer in Anacostea with our name on it."

"Perfect timing for DiNozzo," Tony said, pumping his fist in the air.

"David!" Gibbs barked. "You're driving," he said with a grin as he tossed her the keys.

"Yes!" Ziva all but screamed, grabbing her badge and SIG, racing after the team towards the elevator.

* * *

"Name's Petty Officer Adam Ryans, First Class," Ziva reported to Gibbs. "It appears that there was a struggle of some sort. Or at least that is what the murderer wants us to think," she said, looking around the room, grinning when she saw Tony bent over to take a photo, his ass fitting perfectly into his pants.

"Why do you say that?" Gibbs asked, choosing to ignore the way she was staring at Tony.

"Well, look at the body," she said, pointing to the dead man in the center of the room. "There are glass shards and there is garbage surrounding him, but nothing underneath him. If there was a struggle and his death was accidental, would he not have fallen on to at least some of this garbage?" she pointed out. "And the window," she said, walking towards it. "The glass is on the inside of the room, not outside. Assuming there was a struggle, the punch would probably have come from within the room from a missed punch or projectile. Thus, the glass would fly outside of the room. The glass on the inside suggests someone punched the window from the outside, making it look like a violent struggle took place."

"Glad to know all those weeks on desk duty didn't screw up your investigation skills," Gibbs said, nodding his head approvingly. Ziva smiled, feeling proud of herself. "Now you just gotta prove it," he said before walking away in search of Ducky.

"Good to be back," Ziva said with a smile to no one in particular.

"And it's good to have you back," Tony whispered in her ear, making her jump.

"Tony!" she cried, spinning around. "You should not do that to me!"

"Couldn't resist," he grinned. "I've missed having my little Probie Ninja to annoy," he added, wrapping his arms around her middle.

"DiNozzo! David!" Gibbs yelled, breaking their little moment. "Come on! We're leaving!"

"Coming!" the two of them yelled, rushing towards the car, fighting over whether she should be allowed to drive back. But it was Gibbs who chose to drive back, driving even more erratically than Ziva ever had.

Once they arrived back in the bullpen, Gibbs began to bark orders at them, something Ziva had missed.

"McGee! I want phone records, bank statements, all of it! DiNozzo! I want you to find out everything you can about Ryans and try to find out who would wanna kill him! David! Go out and find Ryans' C.O. and talk to him, find out what kind of guy he was. I'm getting coffee, be back in 10."

Ziva couldn't help but feel giddy as she once again strapped her gun to her waist and grabbed her badge. Gibbs trusted her to go out and she couldn't have been more excited, almost skipping over to the elevator.

The entire time Ziva was gone, Tony would find himself staring at her desk. His eyes always went to the same things; her letter opener, the stapler, paperclips, safety pins, anything that she could use to harm herself. He couldn't help it. He just wanted to keep her safe.

When Gibbs had returned from his coffee run, Tony had fallen in to one of those trances.

"Tony!" Gibbs barked, breaking Tony's trance.

"Yeah, boss?" he asked.

"Do you have anything for me?" he growled.

"Uh, yeah. Ryans got into a few fights with a couple guys, Petty Officers Jones, Schrunk, and Winsor. The reports say it was because those guys were mocking Ryans because his brother is gay."

"Well?" Gibbs asked, ready to head slap Tony. "Are you going to find them or do I have to ask nicely?"

"Problem," Tony stammered. "They shipped out to Iraq this morning. I contacted their C.O. over there and asked him to have them give MTAC a call when they land. Other than that, Ryans was a pretty well-liked guy."

Gibbs muttered angrily under his breath, shaking his head as he began to type furiously onto his computer. "McGee! You got anything?"

But Tony once again fell into a trance and didn't hear a word McGee or Gibbs said. His eyes fell on Ziva's desk, thoughts of the past nights filling his mind.

_I…I wanted to cut, Tony …I cannot do this…I cannot live like this…_

"Tony?"

Her voice broke him from his trance. Looking around, he saw the bullpen was empty, save for the two of them. "Where'd everyone go?"

"Gibbs went to visit Abby and I would assume McGee went with him. Are you alright? You were in some sort of...daydream."

"Yeah," Tony said, giving her one of his signature smiles. "Just thinking."

"And what were you thinking about?" she asked, a sly grin on her face.

"If I say you, will you use one of your ninja moves and cause me bodily harm?"

"Maybe yes, maybe no," she grinned.

"Well, then" Tony replied. "I guess you'll never know."

Ziva just grinned and turned around, walking seductively towards her desk. Tony shook his head, laughing as she winked at him from her desk.

The rest of the day continued in much the same way. When Ziva went to interrogation, Tony's eyes would fall on her desk once again and thoughts of the past few days filled his head. When she returned, Tony's face lit up. When Gibbs caught them staring at each other, he would bark at them and, in turn, grin as he saw them blush.

Finally, the end of the day came. The murderer had been caught, the evidence supported it, and the team couldn't have been more relieved. They never caught a case this simple, and they were savoring every moment. The three team members were all heading to the elevator, discussing their Friday plans when Gibbs' voice once again rang out.

"DiNozzo! Get back here!"

Tony groaned as he heard the elevator doors ding. "So close," he murmured. "Have a good weekend, Probies," he moaned. "Wish me luck," he added, turning back towards the bullpen.

"What's up, boss?" Tony asked.

"We're getting a drink," Gibbs said as if it were the simplest thing in the world.

"What?" Tony asked, confusion filling his voice.

"A drink, ya know? What guys do on Friday nights," Gibbs replied, walking towards the elevator with Tony.

"Uh, no offense boss," Tony stammered, "but why exactly are we going out for drinks?"

"Because we've got a few things we need to talk about."

* * *

The two men sat at a local bar, surrounded by already extremely drunk men. They were each drinking a beer. If it wasn't Gibbs, Tony would have felt perfectly comfortable. The two men sat at the bar, attempting to make small talk. They watched a few minutes of whatever sports were displayed on the television and they chatted about the case, but both men knew there was a bigger reason why they were there.

"So, boss," Tony said. "What did ya wanna talk about?"

"Ziva," Gibbs said, taking a swig of his beer. "And you."

"Oh," Tony said, his eyebrows furrowing. "Boss, I know that we're kinda sorta breaking Rule 12 and all, but ya gotta understand--"

"DiNozzo, I couldn't care less about Rule 12 right now."

"Then…Then why are we talking about Ziva and I at a bar on a Friday night?"

"Because I'm glad she has you," Gibbs said.

"What?" Tony asked, confused. This was a side of Gibbs he didn't even know existed.

"I'm glad she has you, DiNozzo. She's fragile and she needs someone like you to keep her together."

"Uh, thanks?" Tony asked, unsure as to how to respond. "I'm glad she has me too," he added.

"How's she holding up?" Gibbs questioned.

"To be honest, I don't know."

"Whaddya mean you don't know?" Gibbs asked.

"Well. She came over last night." Seeing the look on Gibbs' face, Tony shook his head. "No, nothing like that happened. She was at her place and apparently she wanted to cut so badly that she had the razor on her arm. But then she says she thought of what I had said and didn't cut. Next thing ya know, she's at my place, crying and saying how she didn't want to live like this."

"What?" Gibbs said, nearly slamming his beer on the bar. "Why the hell didn't you call me?" Without thinking, he slapped Tony's head, angry at his Senior Field Agent for not calling him when one of his team was talking suicide.

"I don't think she's thinking suicide, boss," Tony said. "I hope she's not…Anyway, after that she…She showed…"

"Spit it out, DiNozzo."

"She showed me her scars. All of them. They're on her arms and her stomach and thighs and one goes from her knee to her toes." Tony wasn't sure why, but he couldn't stop the words from tumbling out of his mouth. "There are so many, Gibbs. I just wanted to kiss every one of those scars and make them disappear."

"Which you tried to do, I'm assuming," Gibbs said in his all knowing tone.

"Yeah, I did. But that's as far as we went, I swear! She stayed the night, but we didn't do anything. I swear on my--"

"I know, DiNozzo," Gibbs said. "Cuz' if you did do anything, I would know."

"Gibbs," Tony sighed. "I just…I just love her."

"I know," Gibbs said. "I've known for a while."

"What? How'd you...?" Tony trailed off. Then he had a realization. "You're Gibbs," he laughed.

"So," Gibbs said, finishing off his beer. "What's next?"

"Another round!" Tony said, signaling to the bartender to bring two more beers. He suddenly winced, feeling Gibbs' hand come in contact with the back of his head. "Oh? You mean about Ziva and I?" Tony asked, laughing as he saw Gibbs' face.

"Yeah, that'd be what I meant."

"I dunno, boss. I want to ask her to move in with me. I want to always be there for her, ya know? I don't want her to have to call me or have to drive to my place if she needs someone. I want her to be able to just _say_ my name and have me there, right by her side," Tony sighed.

"Why don't you?" Gibbs questioned.

"Do you really think that's the best idea? I mean, I don't want to rush her into moving in with me, especially when she's this vulnerable and fragile, ya know?" Tony said, sighing as he took the second beer the bartender placed in front of him. "And not to mention that it's me we're talking about, the king of commitment phobia," Tony said, his face resembling that of a lost puppy dog.

"DiNozzo," Gibbs said, his voice firm. "You lost Ziva and now you have her back. You have a second chance with her. A second chance I never had," Gibbs said, images of Shannon and Kelly flashing in front of his eyes. "You can't ignore the fact that you love her, Tony," he said, taking a long swig of his beer, this time with images of Jen flashing in front of his eyes. "Because the minute you ignore it, you could lose her again and not get another chance," he added before placing a few bills on the bar and walking out.


	13. Chapter 13

**Ohmigosh!! I am SOOOOO sorry you guys! It has been WAYYY to long since I've last updated and I feel absolutely awful. Please forgive me! I have been so stressed, you have no clue. Lets just say this: AP Literature+AP Government+Spanish 5+AP Biology+Family+Life=HELL**

**But, here's chapter 13! It's pretty much smut with a dash of plot. I'm working furiously on Chapter 14 and I PROMISE it will be up tomorrow. I swear on my life!**

**Please, please, please review! Even if it's just to yell at me for my tardiness and the mess that is this chapter.**

**3**

* * *

"_I dunno, boss. I want to ask her to move in with me. I want to always be there for her, ya know? I don't want her to have to call me or have to drive to my place if she needs someone. I want her to be able to just say my name and have me there, right by her side," Tony sighed. _

"_Why don't you?" Gibbs questioned. _

"_Do you really think that's the best idea? I mean, I don't want to rush her into moving in with me, especially when she's this vulnerable and fragile, ya know?" Tony said, sighing as he took the second beer the bartender placed in front of him. "And not to mention that it's me we're talking about, the king of commitment phobia," Tony said, his face resembling that of a lost puppy dog._

"_DiNozzo," Gibbs said, his voice firm. "You lost Ziva and now you have her back. You have a second chance with her. A second chance I never had," Gibbs said, images of Shannon and Kelly flashing in front of his eyes. "You can't ignore the fact that you love her, Tony," he said, taking a long swig of his beer, this time with images of Jen flashing in front of his eyes. "Because the minute you ignore it, you could lose her again and not get another chance," he added before placing a few bills on the bar and walking out. _

* * *

That night, Tony laid in his bed, idling stroking his chest. He couldn't get over the way Gibbs had invited him out for drinks, the way he had offered such…paternal advice to Tony. He also couldn't get over how right Gibbs was. Finally giving up on trying to process what had been said that night, Tony rolled onto his side and shut his eyes, allowing sleep to take over his body.

He was awoken the next day by the buzzing of his phone on the table next to his head. Groaning, he felt around the table, flipping his phone open once he managed to find it.

"DiNozzo," he grunted.

"Boker tov, Tony." Her voice was gentle, as if she knew she had just woken him up.

"Ziva," Tony smiled, sitting up in his bed and rubbing the sleep from his eyes. "What time is it?"

"It is currently 11:27 in the morning," she replied.

"What?!" Tony exclaimed, his eyes flying open, all thoughts of going back to sleep leaving his mind.

"Do not worry," Ziva laughed. "It is Saturday, you are allowed to sleep in."

"Thank God or else Gibbs would chop my head off," Tony said, flopping on his back. "Anyways, what's up, sweet cheeks?"

"Well, I was wondering if perhaps you would like to come over today. There is something I would like to talk about," she said.

"Whaddya mean there's something you wanna talk about?" Tony asked.

Ziva laughed. "I mean there is something I want to talk about."

"Zi, did you…Do anything?" he asked, concern filling his voice.

"No, Tony," she said softly. "I did not cut." She could hear him sigh with relief through the phone.

"I just needed to ask," Tony said.

"I know, Tony," she responded. "So do you think you can come over around 2:00?"

"Of course!" he smiled. "I'll be there right at 2:00."

"I will be waiting," she said, seduction dripping from her voice. Before waiting for his reply, Ziva flipped her phone shut, smiling as she imagined Tony's face.

* * *

Tony rubbed his thumb over the black velvet box that he had placed in his jacket pocket, his heart racing as he stood at her door. He had wanted to ask her for the longest time, yet he had finally gotten the courage to go to the shop, pick it up, and wrap it in the small box.

He ran his hands through his hair, taking a few deep breaths as he placed a few soft knocks on her door. As he waited for her reply, he smoothed out his clothes, checking his outfit for the hundredth time that day. He wore a pair of faded denim jeans and a simple white button up shirt. He ran his hands over his shirt, smoothing it, giving his jacket a small tug.

He looked up suddenly when he heard the doorknob turn and his eyes grew wide when he saw Ziva. Her chestnut hair had been left down, the curls cascading down her shoulders. She wore a black silk robe, one that went just past her thighs. What was underneath that robe, Tony couldn't wait to find out.

"Wow…" he said breathlessly.

Ziva grinned, looking down over her outfit. "I thought you would like it," she said, taking his hand and guiding him into her apartment.

"Yeah," Tony said, still stunned at her appearance. "But, uh, why are you dressed like this?"

"What?" she asked, sitting him down on the couch and straddling his waist. "Do you not like it?"

"No, Zi, I love it. Trust me."

"Then why does it matter why I am dressed like this?" she murmured, placing kisses along his neck. Her hands were tugging at his jacket, working it off his broad shoulders.

"Wait, Ziva," Tony said, pulling his neck away from her lips. "Please, just tell me what's going on. You've told me time and time again that even thinking about sex reminds you of Saleem and terrifies you. Why the sudden change of heart?"

"Because," she whispered, resting her forehead against his, their eyes locked on each other. "As of today, it has been exactly one month since I have last cut. And," she said, placing a tender kiss on his lips. "It is because of you that I have made it this far. Therefore, I think you deserve a special thank you present."

"Ziva!" Tony said, a large smile on his face. "Why didn't you tell any of us? We could have planned a special dinner or something with the team!"

"Tony," she said, placing a finger against his lips. "I do not want a special dinner or a celebration of any sort. I just want _you_."

"Well then," Tony grinned. "I think I can live with that," he laughed.

Ziva grinned before crashing her lips with his, each of their tongues battling for dominance. She could feel his erection pressing into her through her robe and she grinned, giving his bottom lip a bit of a tug.

"Bedroom," she said breathlessly, her desire for him growing.

Tony didn't respond. He simply stood up, cupping her ass and holding her to him. She wrapped her legs around him, grinding their pelvic bones together as he walked them to her bedroom. When they finally reached the bedroom, Tony gently laid Ziva down on the bed, placing a kiss on her lips before he took a few steps back, admiring her body.

"God," he breathed. "You're gorgeous. But, please. I think you would be even more gorgeous without that robe on."

"Really?" she teased, fiddling with the straps that held the silk robe together and staring up at Tony from her position on the bed.

"Yeah, really," Tony said.

"Well then…" she trailed off, pulling on the strings and letting the robe open, exposing perhaps the most gorgeous sight Tony had ever seen. She wore a matching bra and panties set, just a tad bit lacey and the white color starkly contrasting against her olive skin.

Tony just stood there, looking down at her, his mind reeling. Ziva couldn't help but laugh as she saw his expression and she sat up, throwing the robe off to the side. Sitting on her knees, she moved to the edge of the bed and began to unbutton Tony's shirt. "I think you are wearing too many clothes," she murmured, removing his shirt and running her hands over his chest.

"That can be fixed," Tony said, pulling off his pants in one swift motion, leaving him in nothing but a pair of boxers.

"Much better," Ziva grinned, pulling him on to the bed with her. Laying her head on the pillows, she tugged on Tony's hand, leading him on top of her.

Tony's mind flashed back to the first time they had sex, her arm freshly bandaged and her refusal to relinquish control. But now, there she was, pulling him on top of her.

"Zi, are you sure about--"

He was stopped abruptly when her lips found his, their passion increasing with each passing moment.

All of Tony's thoughts left his head with that kiss and he found himself forgetting about the first time they had sex and simply feeling her skin against his.

He moved his lips from hers, chuckling as she grunted at the loss of contact. But soon his lips were in contact with her breasts, his hands removing her bra without her even noticing. His tongue swirled around each nipple, turning them into stiff little peaks.

She wove her hands into his hair, clutching his head to her breast. She let out a moan as he continued to suck on her rigid nipples, his hand massaging whichever breast his mouth wasn't devouring.

Just as she began to squirm beneath him, he pulled his mouth from her breasts and looked up at her, her face already flushed.

"You're perfect," he whispered before trailing a path of kisses down her taut stomach, pausing to kiss the patch of scars on her lower stomach. He soon reached the apex of her thighs were a small tuft of curls lay and took a deep breath, memorizing her smell.

Ziva arched her back, lifting herself as close to his mouth as possible, leaving no doubt as to what she wanted.

Laughing, Tony lowered his mouth and placed a gentle kiss to her steamy mound, teasing her through the fabric of her panties. Hearing her gasp, Tony pulled her panties down off her body and slid his tongue into her dripping womanhood, tasting her for the first time.

"Oh, god," Ziva sighed as she felt his warm tongue enter her.

He licked all over her slit, dancing around the area he knew she wanted him to touch the most. Soon she was writhing beneath him, begging for more.

Finally, he obliged. He placed his entire mouth over her stiff clit and began a gentle sucking motion, sporadically flicking it with his tongue. Once again she wove her fingers into his hair, keeping his mouth exactly where she wanted it.

"Please," she gasped, thrusting her hips towards him. "More, please. God, Tony, more," she moaned.

Grinning, Tony took his index finger and slowly slid it into her dripping pussy, sucking her clit even harder when he heard the way she responded.

"Right there," she moaned as Tony added another finger. "Yes, right there. Right there, right there," she chanted, feeling her orgasm mounting. "Faster," she groaned, her breath now coming in short gasps.

Tony continued to follow her orders, thrusting his fingers into her as fast as he could, his mouth never leaving her clit. His mind once again went back to the last time they had shared her bed, her fear of losing control taking over her body. But this time, things were different.

He felt her muscles tighten and then heard his name, warm liquid flowing into his mouth as she screamed in release. He slowly worked her down from her orgasm, pulling his mouth from her clit and slowing his fingers down before pulling them out.

"That. Was. Wonderful." She breathed, her cheeks flushed. Her chest was heaving as she took strong breaths of air, attempting to catch her breath. "But now it is my turn," she grinned, flipping the two of them over in an instant. Her lips found his neck as she ran her hands over his abdomen, relishing the feel of his taut muscles under her palms.

She slowly slithered her way down his body, stopping when she reached the waist band of his boxers. She ran her hands over the bulge that was visible, giving it a gentle squeeze.

"Too many clothes," murmured as she ran her tongue along the waistband of his boxers, tugging them gently off. Once they were off, she allowed her eyes to turn to his throbbing erection, her eyes darkened with lust.

"I knew there was a reason you were so, cocky, yes?" she laughed, giving his shaft a few gentle strokes.

"Yeah," he breathed, relishing the feel of her hands on him. Without warning, her felt her warm lips wrap around his shaft, her tongue roaming over it. He felt her throat relax as she took his entire member in his mouth, bobbing her head up and down on him.

"Shit, Ziva," he moaned as he wrapped his hands in her curls. "How do you do that?"

He felt her lips hum as she laughed, sending shock waves through his body. He was already ready to explode from the sounds she had been making earlier and he knew he couldn't hold out much longer, especially with the way her mouth was treating him.

Ziva knew how close he was and she began to bob her head faster, her hands massaging his balls as she did so.

"Fuck," he groaned as he felt her speed up. "If you don't stop now, Ziva," he began.

But he never finished his sentence.

Unable to hold back any longer, Tony shot his hot semen into her mouth, groaning as she swallowed it all. Ziva continued to move her head up and down on his now softening erection, wanting to prolong his pleasure. Finally, she released him from her mouth and moved her head back up to Tony's, placing a gentle kiss on his lips.

She rolled the two of them over so she was now on the bottom, Tony holding himself up above her. His erection was growing once again, almost completely stiff.

"Ziva," he said softly, his voice gentle. "Are you sure?"

"Tony," she smiled, moving her hands to his face, smoothing the concerned wrinkles on his forehead. "I have never been more sure of anything in my life. I want this, Tony. I have always wanted this," she said. "And I finally feel strong enough to get it," she added with a grin.

Hearing her confirmation, Tony crashed his lips onto hers, his tongue invading her mouth. With each passing moment, their passion grew and their movements became more frenzied.

Finally, Tony pulled his lips away from hers and positioned himself at her entrance.

"Protection?" he breathed.

"I have been on birth control since I was 14," she replied. Seeing his facial expression, she expanded. "Eli often assigned missions that could only be accomplished using my body as a source of intel," she said. "But that is in the past," she added, running her hands over his shoulders.

With that, Tony slowly began to enter her hot sheath. He couldn't hold back his groan as he felt her tight walls envelop him, stretching to fit him.

Ziva groaned just as Tony did, the feeling of his throbbing member sending shockwaves of pleasure throughout her body. He had given her a few moments to adjust to his size and he was now thrusting in and out of her at a steady pace.

"God, Zi," he whispered. "You're so tight," he added, pleasure rippling through his body.

Her only response was a loud moan as he thrust deeply into her, hitting her cervix. She took her legs and wrapped them around his body, deepening his thrusts. In doing so, she adjusted their angle so each thrust resulted in his erection rubbing across her clit.

Urged on by her moans and the string of Hebrew pouring from her mouth, Tony's thrusts intensified and grew faster.

"Ken," she moaned, her hands clawing at his back as she began to feel her orgasm mounting. "Faster," she cried, making no attempts to keep her voice quiet.

"Shhh," Tony said, leaning down to whisper in her ear, his body completely sheathing hers. Her head fell into the crook of his neck as he continued to thrust into her, his body on top of hers.

The two of them both felt their orgasms rising, their groans filling them room. Tony felt his mounting fast and he knew he couldn't hold out much longer.

"Zi," he grunted. "I can't keep this up much longer or else I'm gonna come," he groaned. "And I want this to be mutual," he managed to get out.

"Come in me," she whispered into his ear, her hips thrusting up to meet his. "I will be right behind you. It is your turn to lose control," she moaned, nipping at his neck.

That was all it took. The seduction in her voice pushing him over the edge and he thrust as deep into her as he could, his semen spurting into her.

Grinning at the feeling of his release, Ziva quickly flipped the two of them over so she was on top. She leaned back, holding onto Tony's bent knees as she impaled herself on him.

"TONY!" she screamed as her orgasm took control, her entire body shaking as she continued to bounce up and down on Tony, riding out the waves of pleasure that had come crashing down over her.

She let out a contented sigh as she let herself collapse onto Tony, his thick member still buried inside of her. Both of their bodies were covered in sweat and they were breathing heavily. Looking down at him, her long hair created a curtain of sorts, covering their faces.

"I love you," he breathed, their faces millimeters apart, their eyes locked on each others.

"I love you, too," she replied. "So, so much," she added as she pulled herself off of him and curled up next to him, their sweat covered bodies shining in moonlight.

* * *

**Gah. Cheesey ending to a pretty sucky chapter. Shoot me in the face. **

**I promise Chapter 14 will be up by 11:59 pm on Sunday, January 17.**

**Review!  
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	14. Chapter 14

**. I know I promised an update by 11:59 pm yesterday, but my computer was spazzing out. I'm so sorry!**

**This chapter is kind of short, but I promise that I'll work on making the chapters longer and--hopefully--updated quicker!**

* * *

_She let out a contented sigh as she let herself collapse onto Tony, his thick member still buried inside of her. Both of their bodies were covered in sweat and they were breathing heavily. Looking down at him, her long hair created a curtain of sorts, covering their faces. _

"_I love you," he breathed, their faces millimeters apart, their eyes locked on each others. _

"_I love you, too," she replied. "So, so much," she added as she pulled herself off of him and curled up next to him, their sweat covered bodies shining in moonlight._

* * *

Ziva awoke the next morning to the sounds of heartbeats and the feeling of hands running through her hair. Reluctantly, she opened her eyes and lifted her head from his chest, turning to look up at him.

"Morning, sweet cheeks," Tony said softly, his hands continuing to run through her curls.

"Good morning," she replied, reaching to place a gentle kiss on his lips. The kiss soon turned from a simple good morning wake up call into a battle for dominance as their tongues danced in each other's mouths. Cursing her humanly need for oxygen, Ziva pulled her lips away from Tony's, letting out a contented sigh as she returned her head to his chest.

"What time is it?" she asked as she reached to pull the blankets higher up around her body.

"9:17 in the bright and early morning," Tony answered.

Ziva groaned. "Why do I still feel as though I could sleep for the rest of the day?"

"Well," Tony smiled. "Last night was pretty…Uh, passionate."

She couldn't help but grin as images of the previous night flashed in her mind. She felt chills run down her spine as she recalled the feeling of the countless orgasms Tony had brought her to.

"You make a very good point there, _Very Special_ _Agent_ DiNozzo," she laughed, emphasizing each word.

"Why thank you, Very Special _Probationary_ Agent David," Tony said, flinching when he felt her elbow jab his side. Laughing, he returned his hand to her hair and spoke. "What would you like to do today?"

"Other than you?"

"Well, doing me was kind of a given so yeah, other than me. Although you can do me all day if you want," Tony joked.

"I was not aware that was an option," Ziva responded, her hand snaking under the covers and dancing dangerously close to his shaft. "But I really would enjoy taking a shower and," she shook her head and laughed at the absurdity of what she wanted to say.

"What?" Tony asked, confused as to what was so funny.

"Nothing," Ziva sighed. "It is silly."

"Zi, come on," Tony said, placing a finger under his chin and raising her head to face his. "What do you wanna do?"

"I have lived in Washington for 5 years and I have never visited any of the memorials," she said avoiding eye contact. "And I cannot think of anyone who I would rather spend the day with visiting them than you," she added, her eyes now meeting his gaze.

"Neither can I," he replied. The gentler side of Ziva that she had been showing more and more of still never ceased to amaze him. "So how about you take that shower while I run back to my place and get some clothes?"

"Sounds like a plan," Ziva smiled, sitting up in bed, her bare torso exposed.

"On second thought…" Tony grinned, eyeing her up and down.

Shaking her head, Ziva slid from the bed, pulling the covers with her and wrapping them around her body. She walked into the bathroom and Tony soon heard her turn the shower on. He was still lying on the bed when she poked her head through the doorway.

"I am going to take this shower," she stated. "And if you have any desire for a repeat of last night, I suggest you be here with fresh clothes on when I am done."

"Yes, ma'am!" Tony said, saluting her as he hopped out of the bed and began to pull on his clothes.

* * *

When Tony returned to her bedroom after the mad dash to his apartment, he found Ziva in her undergarments rubbing lotion onto her legs.

"So this is what makes you smell so damn irresistible," Tony laughed, walking over to the bed and picking up the bottle of lotion. "Sensual Amber," he read. "I'm gonna have to remember that."

"It helps with the scars," Ziva replied, massaging the lotion onto the leg where her longest scar lay.

"Oh," was all Tony said as he watched her. "Well, uh, I've kinda got a plan in mind for the day," he said attempting to lighten the mood.

"And what is this plan of yours?" Ziva asked, capping the lotion and turning to face Tony.

"The Lincoln, Korean, and Vietnam Memorials are all pretty close to each other, so I figured we could go there first. Then we can swing over to the Jefferson and FDR Memorials," he said, unable to take his eyes off Ziva as she moved around her room, picking out clothes that would keep her protected from the winter air.

"What about the Washington Monument?" she asked, turning to face him as she pulled a purple sweater over her head.

Tony smiled. "I called a few people and I got us tickets to ride to the top," he grinned.

"Tony!" she said, her eyes wide. "I just wanted to visit the monument! But riding to the top? That is perfect!"

"I'm glad you're excited," Tony smiled. He reached his hand into his jacket pocket, relieved to find that the small velvet box was still in there. He continued to rub the box with this thumb as she sat on the bed and pulled her shoes on. He somehow thought that the more he held onto the box, the more courage he would have.

"Are you ready?" she asked, noticing the look on his face.

"Yeah," was his only reply as he handed her jacket to her.

"Toda," she smiled, pulling it and a scarf on.

* * *

With each passing memorial they visited, Tony watched Ziva turn from sexy ninja into awe struck school girl, reading every plaque and reciting every fact she knew.

At the Lincoln Memorial, she spent most of the time just standing and reading to Tony the speeches that had been engraved onto the walls, often times stopping mid sentence to explain some word or spew forth some random detail she knew.

At the Korean Memorial, she pointed out the different divisions of the Army represented in the sculptures: 14 Army, 3 Marines, 1 Navy, 1 Air Force. She showed the different races of each soldier: 12 Caucasian, 3 African American, 2 Hispanic, 1 Oriental, 1 Indian.

At the Vietnam Memorial, she ran her fingers over the names of those lost in the war and stood mesmerized as she stared at the faces etched into the marble wall.

At the Jefferson Memorial, she stood directly in the center, staring up at the large dome in awe and reading every single inscription on the wall.

But it was at the FDR Memorial that Ziva's school girl eagerness faded away and she grew silent.

Tony had made a detour into the visitor's center, hoping to find a bathroom. He had let Ziva go on, promising that he would catch up to her. The memorial was surprisingly empty, which Tony attributed to the fact that it was absolutely freezing and snow was promised.

Stuffing his hands into his pockets, Tony began to find his way through the memorial, hoping to find Ziva. He weaved in and out of the almost maze like memorial and was about ready to pull his cell phone out of his pocket when he saw her.

She was standing in front of a large statue of Franklin, sitting proudly in his wheelchair. Behind him was Eleanor and at his feet was their iconic Scottish terrier, Fala. Tony hung back, watching her as she stood statue like in front of the sculpture. Finally, he took a few steps and moved next to her, wrapping his arm around her waist.

"Hey," he said, pulling her closer to him for warmth.

"He was broken," she whispered, never taking his eyes from the sculpture.

"What?" Tony asked. He could feel her shivering, no doubt from the fact that the wind had been crashing against her for at least twenty minutes without her moving to create some sort of body heat.

"He was broken," she said again. "He was broken, yet he overcame that. He was broken, yet he still had the confidence to lead. He was broken, yet he was strong enough to live."

Tony could sense where this conversation was going to go. "Zi," he said, pulling her closer to him.

"I am broken!" she said angrily as she turned to face Tony, a few tear tracks on her cheeks. "I am broken in a manner far less than he was yet I cannot overcome it nor do I have confidence nor do I have the strength to live!" Her voice was not a yell, yet it was full of anger and, more than that, desperation.

"Ziva," Tony said gently. "You're not broken. You're one of the strongest people I know and--"

"Is this strong?" she said through clenched teeth, yanking both her coat and sweater sleeve up to expose the scars that ran down her arm. "This is not strong," she said softly, her voice now full of sadness.

Tony didn't reply. He simply took her sleeve and pulled it back down to cover her arm and he wrapped her in a tight hug. He held her close to him, the afternoon sun reflecting off the polished marble of the memorial.

"I do not want to be broken," she said almost unintelligibly into his chest.

"You're not," he responded, placing a gentle kiss atop her head.

The two of them stood there in chilly November air, neither one willing to let go of the other. In the distance, Tony heard a clock tower begin to chime: it was now 4:00 pm. They had spent six hours walking the streets of DC and hadn't realized it.

"Hey, Zi," he said, pulling away from her slightly.

"Yes?" she asked, taking a step backwards and wiping the tear tracks from her face.

"Our tickets to go to the top of the Washington Monument are for 4:20, so unless you'd rather not go today, I think we could hop on the Metro and be there in time."

Ziva smiled as she finished erasing all signs of her breakdown from her face. "I am not going to have spent all day visiting every memorial only to _not_ travel to the top of the Washington Monument."

"Well, then," Tony said, reaching for her gloved hand with his own and intertwining their fingers, "let's go!"

Smiling at the way Tony's face lit up, Ziva couldn't help but smile and join in on his laughter as they headed to the Metro station that would take them directly in front of the Washington Monument.

* * *

Tony checked his watch, grinning as he saw the time. _4:16._

"Just in time!" he said to Ziva, tugging her hand like an impatient child.

"Tony," she laughed as they took their place in line. "Have you never been to the top of this before?"

"No, I've been up a few times."

"Then why are you so…Giddy?"

"Because, Zi-va," he said, "I've never been to the top with _you._"

Ziva felt her cheeks blush, even though they were already bright red from the cold air that had been blowing non-stop.

Suddenly, the line began to move and Ziva found herself getting just as excited as Tony.

"Did you know that the monument is two different colors?" she asked as they filed into the elevator. "They started it, and then the government refused to pay for any more supplies so, by the time the government did decide to pay, the marble they used was deeper in the mine, thus a different color."

"How do you know all of this?" Tony asked as the elevator began to rise to the top of the 555 foot obelisk.

"I read," she laughed.

"Are you implying that I don't?"

"Perhaps," she asked, giving him a sly smirk.

Before they knew it, the elevator doors had opened and they were at the top of the Washington Monument.

"This is stunning…" Ziva breathed as she walked around the visitor's area. She stopped at every window, taking in the expansive view that they offered. She grinned as she watched children run around the small gift shop, begging their mothers for souvenirs.

She was standing at the western window, the one with a perfect view of the White House, when Tony finally decided to speak. He kept his hands in his pockets, the small velvet box clenched in his fists.

"I always wanted to be president," he said, nodding towards the presidential mansion in the distance.

Ziva laughed. "I do not think I can see you as president," she said.

"And why is that?" Tony asked, feigning hurt.

"Well, you do not have any political experience which is a must for a presidential candidate and I am not sure you would be able to handle the whole aspect of being serious twenty four hours a day and, to top it all off," she said, "you do not have a First Lady."

Tony laughing, nodding his head in agreement. "You make a pretty good point," he said. "How about you? Did you ever dream of becoming president?"

"Tony," Ziva said. "My father was Director of Mossad. I grew up learning that wanting to be anything other than a Mossad Officer was treasonous to my country. I was never allowed to dream for anything else."

"Oh, right," Tony said, regretting ever asking her and bringing up a dark subject.

"But," she said smiling, "I would not mind living in the President's house." She returned her gaze to the window, watching the sun begin to set on the White House.

Tony grinned. He knew that at that moment, the time had come for him to ask the question he had been planning on asking all day. He looked around the visitor's area and was relived to find that most people had left, leaving only a few families who were busy in the gift shop.

"Hey, Zi?" he asked, pulling her gaze away from the window.

"Yes?" she asked.

"I, uh, got you something," he managed to get out, pulling the velvet box from his pocket.

Her eyes grew as she looked at the box he held in his hand, her eyes darting between it and his eyes.

Seeing her uncertainty, Tony continued to speak.

"Ziva, these past few months have been hell for both you and I. Well, more so probably for you, but that's not the point. The point is that I love you. The point is that I want you to be able to just say my name and have me be there. I want to keep you safe from both yourself and from everything else in the world. The point is that I always want to be there for you."

Ziva never broke eye contact with him the entire time he was speaking and she could see the sincerity in his eyes.

"Go on," he urged, motioning to the box in her hands. "Open it. It's not what you think, trust me," he laughed.

Gingerly, she opened the box and pulled from it a small folded piece of paper. Furrowing her brows in confusion, she began to unfold the paper, ignoring the second object in the box. Her eyes raced across the page as she read the paper, her eyes growing misty as she began to understand.

"Tony…" she said, looking up at him. "This is…" she stammered.

"A lease," he finished. "A lease for an apartment that's less than 10 minutes from the Navy Yard. An apartment with a master bedroom, a master bathroom, one spare bedroom, one small bathroom, a living room, and a full kitchen."

"I was going to say 'perfect,'" she laughed as she wrapped her arms around his neck and placed a tender kiss on his lips.

"Oh," he laughed against her lips. When she pulled away, their faces still inches apart, he added something. "There's something else in the box."

Cocking her head in confusion, Ziva took a step backwards and looked down at the box. In the box was the key to their new apartment.

"Look on the end. It took me forever to find a place willing to do that."

Lifting the key out of the box and looking at the end of the key, she couldn't help but laugh. Engraved in tiny lettering were the words _Sweet Cheeks_.

"Does yours say Hairy Butt?" she asked, placing the key and lease back into the box then placing the box in her coat pocket.

"Heck no!" he exclaimed. "Why would I want to spread that around?"

"Because it is extremely sexy," she whispered in his ear. "And I will show you just how sexy I think it is when we get out of here and you show me our new apartment."

Without a second's passing, Ziva had taken Tony's hand and was leading him towards the elevator, her mind reeling.

* * *

**You know the drill. Hit that little green button and tell me what you want to see happen in the next few chapters.**

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	15. Chapter 15

**I actually kinda like this chapter. I dunno why, but I do.**

**Let me know what you think! I'd love to hear your ideas for what you wanna see happen!**

**3**

* * *

_Lifting the key out of the box and looking at the end of the key, she couldn't help but laugh. Engraved in tiny lettering were the words Sweet Cheeks._

"_Does yours say Hairy Butt?" she asked, placing the key and lease back into the box then placing the box in her coat pocket._

"_Heck no!" he exclaimed. "Why would I want to spread that around?"_

"_Because it is extremely sexy," she whispered in his ear. "And I will show you just how sexy I think it is when we get out of here and you show me our new apartment."_

_Without a second's passing, Ziva had taken Tony's hand and was leading him towards the elevator, her mind reeling._

* * *

"It's not the White House," Tony said as he opened the door to their new apartment.

"But it is home," Ziva interrupted as she took a step into the apartment and smiled.

"It's also pretty empty, but I figure if we get the team to help us, we can be moved in by the end of the week and have a celebratory dinner. We can take some things from my place, some from yours, and have a nice little eclectic place."

Ziva couldn't help but smile as she walked around the apartment with Tony, examining every bedroom and every inch of the apartment, making notes as to where things would go.

When she had finally examined the entire house, she stood right in the middle of the living room and turned to Tony.

"Thank you," she said softly. "This means more to me than I think you know."

"I just wanted us to have a fresh start, ya know? Fresh start, fresh apartment. I want to forget everything that happened with Jeanne and Rivkin and Somalia and just start over. Get rid of the memories of those apartments and make some new ones here." Tony saw the way Ziva was looking at him and abruptly stopped talking. "I'm babbling, aren't I?"

"Just a bit," she laughed.

"Well, how about I stop babbling and we drive back to your place to start packing up your things?"

"I would like that," she said, letting out a small sigh as he wrapped his arm around her waist and walked out of the apartment—_their_ apartment.

* * *

By Thursday of that week, Tony and Ziva were almost entirely moved into their new apartment. They had taken Ziva's bed and Tony's dressers and night stands. The master bathroom had a cerulean blue shower curtain and matching towels, insisted upon by Ziva. The living room was adorned with mostly Tony's belongings: a 42" flat screen television surrounded by countless DVD shelves. The couch was a tan suede like material with crimson pillows supplied by Ziva. Their kitchen had, of course, been filled with all of Ziva's pots, pans, and other utensils.

The couple was sitting curled up on the couch, Ziva already fast asleep on Tony's shoulder as The Bourne Identity played softly on the screen. They had invited the team over for a special dinner on Friday and the two of them had been working non stop, either on a case or moving load after load of their belongings to the apartment or to charity.

Smiling at the soft snores coming from Ziva, Tony slowly adjusted his position and picked Ziva up gently, praying that her eyes would remain closed. They did. Sighing with relief, he slowly walked down the hallway to the bedroom. Upon reaching the bedroom, he tenderly laid Ziva on the bed, pulling the covers up around her before crawling into bed himself.

He curled onto his side, exhaling deeply as he closed his eyes and willed sleep to take over his exhausted body. Just as sleep began to take over his body, he felt Ziva sit straight up, her eyes wide with fear.

"Tony!" she screamed, searching the room for him. Her attempts to pull the covers off of her body had only succeeded in them becoming tangled around her body. "Please!" she cried. "Tony!!"

Seeing her panic in her eyes, Tony knew what was going on. "Ziva," he said, reaching his hand out gingerly to touch her trembling arm. "I'm right here. It's a nightmare," he tried, attempting to stop her flailing arms.

"Do not touch me!" she cried, pulling her hand away from his touch and using it to pull her knees to her chest and hold them firmly in place, her body shaking in fear.

Tony pulled himself from the covers and moved to kneel in front of Ziva's curled up form.

"Ziva," he said. His voice was soft, yet firm. "It's Tony. I'm right here, right in front of you. It was nothing but a nightmare," he said. "I'm fine."

Tony saw something click in Ziva's eyes.

"Tony," she breathed, tears threatening to fall from her eyes. "Saleem. He-he shot you. You were lying there, bleeding out and he-he-he was raping me whilst you were dying and I couldn't do anything to stop it! He--"

"He's dead," Tony finished for her, pulling the covers up around her shaking body.

"It was real," she said, still in a sitting position. "It was so real, Tony!"

"But it wasn't," he said, taking her hand in his. "I'm here," he said lifting her hand with his and giving himself a Gibbs smack with both of their hands.

Ziva couldn't help but let out a chuckle as she felt her hand come in contact with Tony's hair. But the light-heartedness of the situation was short lived.

"I need to use the bathroom," she said, attempting to slide off the bed.

"Oh, no you don't!" Tony said, grabbing her arm firmly.

"You do not wish for me to use the bathroom?" she questioned, trying to pry his fingers from her arm.

"Ziva, I'm not smart, but I'm sure as hell not dumb. The minute you enter that bathroom, you're going to lock the door and ruin your one month streak."

"What do you mean?" she asked, attempting to mask the fact that she had indeed been headed to the bathroom to stop the feelings from taking control by cutting. She continued trying to pry his fingers off her, her movements growing more frantic. She _needed_ to cut.

"You want to cut," he stated simply. "You're feeling out of control and scared and need something to control. Am I right?" he asked, his grip on her never loosening.

Sensing she couldn't win the battle, she let her body relax and stop fighting his.

"Yes," she said softly, the tears filling her eyesight once again. "Just this once, though. I will stop after this. I swear." She turned to face him, her eyes pleading with him. "Please, Tony. I want to. I _need_ to."

Tony, for once in his life, was at a total loss for words. He stared into her eyes for a few moments, the desire to tear into her own flesh causing him more pain than he had ever imagined.

Giving up on searching for words, Tony simply wrapped his arms tightly around her and pulled her body closer to his.

"Please," she said, pushing against his chest and trying to free herself.

"No," was his only reply. He held her firmly in place, ignoring her feeble attempts to free herself from his grip. He held her in place for what felt like forever until he felt her stop struggling.

"You okay?" he asked, loosening his grip on her just barely.

"I think so," was her reply. "But you are kind of squishing me."

"Sorry," he laughed, releasing her from his grip. "I just didn't want you--"

"I know," she said, placing a finger over his lips. "And I thank you for that," she added. "But now we should go to sleep, yes?"

Tony was surprised how quickly her demeanor changed from terrified to calm in less that twenty minutes. She seemed better, yet he was still apprehensive that it was all just an act.

"Only if you promise not to use your sneaky ninja moves to sneak out in the middle of the night and hurt yourself," he said seriously.

"I will try," she said softly and with a slight chuckle.

"That's not good enough, Ziva," he said, just as seriously. "You need to promise me that you won't."

"I promise," she said. "As long as you promise to hold me," she added, her voice almost inaudible. There was a vulnerability in her voice that was still relatively new to Tony.

"I think I can do that," Tony laughed as he rolled onto his side and draped an arm protectively over her, holding her as close to him as possible.

* * *

_Friday, 1700_

"I think it is nice that Gibbs let everyone out early, yes?"

"Yeah, it was kind of un-Gibbs-ish," Tony replied as he stood in the kitchen chopping the ingredients for his famous DiNozzo pasta sauce.

The day at the office had been rather monotonous, yet it was still surprising that Gibbs had let everyone leave. He told everyone to go home and shower, make themselves presentable for the house warming dinner Tony and Ziva had planned for the team.

Tony and Ziva had done just that, spending a bit too much time in the shower with one another. Tony had pulled on a pair of loosely fitting jeans and a green polo while Ziva wore a pair of snug dark denim jeans and a white sweater with a scoop neck, highlighting the place where her Star of David used to sit.

Though the day had been uneventful, Tony hadn't gotten the chance to talk to Ziva about the previous night. He had waited all day for the two of them to be alone, yet the opportunity never arose. He contemplated bringing it up in the car, but she had been in such a positive mood that he was scared to bring it up. But he knew he had to.

"Hey, Ziva?" he asked, setting his knife on the cutting board and turning to her.

"Yes?" she asked, her eyes still focused on preparing the chicken lemon rice soup she was preparing.

"I wanna talk about last night," he said tentatively.

Ziva shook her head as she laughed, her hand still stirring the pot. "I did not mean to fall asleep during the movie," she said. "I agree with you that is it Matt Damon's best work, but I was tired," she added, her voice warm and bubbly.

Tony had almost forgotten that she had fallen asleep during The Bourne Identity. "You and I _are_ going to have a serious chat about that, but that's not what I wanna talk about right now."

"Oh?" she said, her heart beat growing faster. "And what is it you would like to talk about?"

"The nightmare."

Ziva abruptly stopped stirring the pot. He had caught her off guard. The two of them hadn't spoken a word about the previous night and she was beginning to believe that he thought it was a dream.

"Zi?" he said hesitantly, reaching his hand out to touch her arm. "I thought you told me you weren't having them anymore." She instinctively jerked her arm away from his touch, attempting to mask it as she reached for the salt that was sitting in the cupboard. "Please, Ziva," Tony said. "Talk to me."

"I do not know what needs to be talked about," she said sprinkling some salt into the pot. "I had a nightmare, what else is there to know?"

Tony sighed. "You told me the last time you had a nightmare that woke you up screaming was weeks ago. You told me that even when you did have nightmares they were nothing compared to what you used to have. You told me they were over."

"They _were_ over!" she said, her voice rising almost subconsciously. "Last night was the first one I have had in a while and it was not that powerful."

"Bull!" Tony rebuked. "You woke up screaming and begging me to let you cut! And call me crazy, but I find it hard to believe that was the first one you've had in weeks!"

Ziva closed her eyes, breathing deeply as she tried to keep her composure. "Please, Tony," she said gently. "I do not want to talk about this. Yes, I had a nightmare. Yes, I wanted to cut. But I did not. You were there and you stopped me. Why must we discuss this?"

"I care about you, Ziva," Tony sighed. "I just hate seeing you having the nightmares and being in pain. I just want you to be happy and safe and--"

"Tony," she smiled, taking a step towards him and wrapping her arms around his neck. "I have you. I _am_ happy and I _am_ safe."

Tony smiled and kissed her gently on this lips. "Now we're gonna have that discussion as to how on Earth you could have fallen asleep during The Bourne Identity!"

Ziva laughed as she pulled herself away from him and turned back to her pot of soup. "I told you," she said with a grin, "I was tired."

"Being tired is no excuse for falling asleep during some of Matt Damon's best work!" he exclaimed, her too returning to his culinary duties.

Before Ziva would have any chance of refuting Tony, she heard a knock on the door.

"Saved by the bell, David," Tony laughed. "Saved by the bell!" he added with a laugh.

"Gibbs! Ducky!" he heard Ziva exclaim from the living room. "Thank you so much for coming!"

"It is our pleasure, my dear," Ducky said as he took off his coat and hat and hung it on the coat rack next to the door.

"Ya picked out one hell of a place, DiNozzo!" Gibbs called as he, too, took his coat off.

"Thanks, boss!" Tony yelled from the kitchen.

Ziva couldn't help but laugh. "We have a drinks set out on the counter for you to choose from," Ziva said as she led the two men to the living room where a large table had been set up for the occasion. Just as she showed them the drinks, there was another knock on the door. This time, Tony took care of it.

"It's open!" he yelled from the kitchen.

When Ziva walked back out to the doorway, she was greeted by McGee and Abby.

"Ziva!!" Abby cried, running over to her and giving her a bone crushing hug.

"Hello, Abby," Ziva laughed as she returned the hug. "I am so glad you came."

"We wouldn't miss it!" Abby cried, releasing Ziva. "Where's Tony?" Seeing Ziva gesture to the kitchen, Abby ran off to give Tony his welcome hug.

"Hello, McGee," Ziva smiled as she gave him a quick kiss on the cheek. "I see you and Abby came together," she added with a grin.

"Yeah…Uh, her hearse broke down so I decided I'd give her a lift. And we might go out after this," he stammered.

"Better not let Tony hear that," Ziva whispered.

"Let Tony hear what?" Tony exclaimed as he walked into the living room where the rest of the team had congregated, each person with a drink in their hand. "What're you hiding from me, Probie?"

"It is nothing, Tony," Ziva interjected, taking the wine glass from his hand and taking a sip. "Toda," she laughed as she saw his face.

* * *

The dinner went off, in both Ziva's mind and Tony's, perfectly. They had served Ziva's soup and the DiNozzo 'Penne Perfection,' as Tony had put it. Ziva had purchased a sorbet for dessert and every member of the team had cleaned their plates.

The party and gotten quieter and quieter until the only people left in the apartment were Gibbs, Tony, and Ziva. Tony had gotten up to load the dishes into the dishwasher, leaving Gibbs and Ziva to speak in the living room.

"So," Gibbs started. "How have things been? And don't you dare say fine."

Ziva laughed. "Things have been…Difficult. Last night I had another nightmare and I woke Tony up. It felt very real. You have had dreams like that, yes?"

Gibbs nodded as images of Shannon and Kelly and Jen flashed in his mind. "Yeah," he added gruffly. "Did ya cut?"

She was used to Gibbs being this blunt with her. Whenever they were separated from the group, he always asked the same questions, trusting her to be honest with him.

"No," she smiled. "But I wanted to more than I have in a long time. I was begging Tony to let me leave the bed and allow me to cut just this once, but he would not let me go," she said, the smile leaving her face.

"He better not have let you go," Gibbs said. "Or else I might have to kill him. I'm glad you're doing better, Ziver. I'm glad you and DiNozzo finally opened your eyes and realized you were made for each other."

The smile returned to Ziva's face. She thought of Gibbs as a father, yet she never had had such a…paternal encounter with him.

"I love him, Gibbs," Ziva said, looking into his eyes. "Sometimes it scares me how much I love him."

"He loves you, too, Ziver," Gibbs said as he stood up and downed the rest of his bourbon. "And it scares him just as much as it scares you."

Ziva smiled and felt her cheeks flush. "Thank you for coming," she said as she kissed him on the cheek.

"No problem," Gibbs replied as he set his glass down and turned towards the door.

Just as Gibbs and Ziva began to walk to the door, Tony quickly ducked back into the kitchen, grinning wildly at the conversation he had just witnessed.

* * *

**You know what to do! Hit that little green button and tell me what you think and what you wanna see!! **

**^_^**


	16. Chapter 16

**I am SOOOO sorry this took me forever to get up! It sucks, but I promise to get working on the next few chapters the minute I post this and that the new few chapters will be a billion times better than this!**

**Warning! There is smut of the smuttiest kind at the end of this chapter.**

* * *

"_I love him, Gibbs," Ziva said, looking into his eyes. "Sometimes it scares me how much I love him."_

"_He loves you, too, Ziver," Gibbs said as he stood up and downed the rest of his bourbon. "And it scares him just as much as it scares you."_

_Ziva smiled and felt her cheeks flush. "Thank you for coming," she said as she kissed him on the cheek. _

"_No problem," Gibbs replied as he set his glass down and turned towards the door. _

_Just as Gibbs and Ziva began to walk to the door, Tony quickly ducked back into the kitchen, grinning wildly at the conversation he had just witnessed.  
_

* * *

"That went well, yes?" Ziva asked as she walked up behind Tony and wrapped her arms around his waist. She wasn't sure why, but she felt calmest around Tony and she didn't even care that she sometimes acted like a teenager in love.

"Perfect," he replied as he turned off the faucet. Turning around to face her, he wrapped his arms around her neck, pulling her close to him. "So what were you and Gibbs talking about?" he asked.

"Oh, the same as always. Just idle chit-chat, yes?" she said with a smile as her fingers traced patterns on his lower back. "And, yes, I did talk to him about last night," she added.

"Who said I was gonna ask?" Tony laughed.

"Your eyes," Ziva replied with a smile.

"You and your crazy ninja sense are gonna be the death of me one of these days," Tony said as he placed a kiss on her forehead. He loved the way she laughed. Her laughter had been so minimal since Somalia and he just couldn't get enough of her laughter now that it was back. "Well," he said, "I'm exhausted so I think I'm gonna get into bed and pop a movie in. Care to join me?"

"That depends," she laughed. "Are we actually going to be watching the movie or will we be doing other…bed related activities?"

"Contrary to prior beliefs, Agent Dah-Veed," Tony mocked, "I do actually use the bed purposes other than having crazy sex with insatiable ninja chicks."

Ziva raised an eyebrow at him. "Damn," she whispered in his ear before pulling away from him and turning towards the bathroom.

"What?!" Tony yelped, watching her walk seductively away.

Ziva's laughter filled the room. "I rather enjoy those 'other bed related activities,' but since you seem to be a movie mood, I am going to take a shower now."

"You're evil," Tony laughed. "Has anyone ever told you that?"

"A few times, yes," she called from the bathroom where Tony could hear the water running.

Tony couldn't help but laugh as he walked to their bedroom and changed out of his clothes, pulling on a pair of flannel pajama pants. He searched through his DVD collection, smiling when he pulled a disc from its case and placed it into the DVD player.

"Why have you not started the movie?" Ziva asked when she had finally emerged from the bathroom with a large fluffy robe on.

"I was waiting for you, sweet cheeks. You told me you've never seen it, so I wanted to wait for you."

"And what movie is it?" she asked as she untied the robe and pulled on a pair of pajama pants and a simple tank top. Her hair was still damp, the curls hanging from her shoulders.

"The Wizard of Oz," Tony grinned. "The most classic of classic family films," he added as Ziva crawled under the blankets with him, both of them sitting against the headboard. "It was written, like, a hundred years ago by L. Frank Baum and then it was turned into a movie in the 30s. Never read the book, though," he laughed.

"Oh! Is this the one with the little dancing dwarves?" she asked.

"They're munchkins, Ziva. Not dwarves," he laughed. "But yes, there are dancing munchkins. Now shush," he said, "it's starting."

Ziva curled up next to Tony, her head resting on his shoulder as the opening sequence began to play.

* * *

"Well?" he asked when the movie had ended. He looked down at Ziva and saw her eyebrows furrowed in contemplation.

"Why was she evil?"

"Who? The Wicked Witch of the West?"

"Yes, her. Why did everyone hate her so much?"

"Uh…" Tony said, unsure as to how to answer that question. "I don't think I've ever thought of that before. I guess she was just a wicked person."

"But _why_? Why was she known as the Wicked Witch of the West? There must be some reason as to why she was seen as such a monster."

"Well, she was green," Tony laughed.

Ziva couldn't help but smile at his childish response, yet she didn't let it distract her. "Is there some sort of sequel to this?" she asked. "I am sure that the reason she was wicked can be found somewhere."

"I don't think there's a prequel or anything. I guess she was just born evil, ya know? Just born destined to become the Wicked Witch of the West," he shrugged.

"People are not simply born evil or wicked, Tony," Ziva said. "I was not born evil, yet I was raised to become an assassin, a cold blooded killer…"

"You're not a cold blooded killer," Tony interrupted.

Ziva ignored his comment and continued. "Saleem was not born as an evil, torturous man. It was circumstances that turned him into one. People are not born destined to become anything."

"So you don't believe in fate?" Tony asked.

"Oh, I believe in fate very much. I believe that people are fated to meet and that certain events are fated to happen, yet when it comes to who a person is, I believe that there is a large amount of human control," she replied.

"And soul mates?" Tony asked, a smile on his face.

"Yes," she smiled as she turned her torso and gave him a passionate kiss. "I am sorry for putting such a damper on this," she said as she laid her head back down on his shoulder.

"Never apologize," he laughed. "Now let's get some sleep."

"Anthony DiNozzo wants to…Sleep??" Ziva laughed.

"Well," he stated, waggling his eyebrows at her. "If you'd rather not sleep we could…"

"No!" she laughed as she laid her head on the pillow and draped her arm around Tony, nuzzling her head into the crook of his neck. "Sleeping works just fine for me."

"Good night, sweet cheeks," he whispered as he switched the bed side lamp off and pulled the covers up over him and Ziva.

"Laila tov, my little hairy butt," she replied with a smile.

* * *

When Ziva awoke the next morning, she found that Tony's side of the bed was empty.

"Tony?" she called as she sat up and rubbed the sleep from her eyes. "Tony?" she called again as she stood up and made he way into the living room.

Scanning the room and finding no sign of him, Ziva's heart began to race. She knew he had probably just gone for a run, but the logical side of her brain seemed to shut off. Suddenly her eyes fell on a piece of paper that lay on the counter. Walking over to the counter and grabbing the note, Ziva exhaled a sigh of relief when she saw Tony's handwriting.

Ziva-

Good morning, my little sleeping ninja. I went out to buy a few things and you just looked too peaceful to wake up. Don't worry about making breakfast—I'll bring some home. I should be back before ten.

-Tony

Ziva glanced up at the clock on the stove. 9:36. She had no idea how on earth she had slept so late. Groaning at Tony for not waking her up, she shuffled back towards the bedroom to get ready for the day.

She pulled on a pair of jeans and a red sweater and was just about to go to the bathroom to straighten her hair when she heard the door open and Tony call her name.

"Good morning," Ziva said as she walked over to him and gave him a quick kiss. "You should not have let me sleep so late."

"You looked too peaceful. I just couldn't bring myself to wake you up," he said. "But I brought breakfast!" he said as he held up a take out bag. "I got chocolate chip pancakes and I got you French toast. That okay?"

"Perfect," she smiled. "And what is in that bag?" she asked, peering around Tony's back to see the bag he had hidden behind his back.

"For me to know and you to find out," he grinned. "And I'm going to put it in a secret, ninja free location while you get started with your breakfast."

"Fine," she grumbled with a chuckle as she pulled their food from the bag and transferred the meals to plates. She grabbed the carton of orange juice from the fridge just as Tony emerged from the bedroom, no bag in sight.

"Bon appetite," she smiled as she sat down across from him. After they had both settled into their chairs and had begun to eat, Ziva spoke. "So what sort of things would you like to do today?

"Well," Tony said in between mouthfuls of pancakes, "I've got a few ideas."

"Such as?"

"I was thinking we could visit some of the Smithsonian museums. I haven't been to any of them in years and I think you'll love them."

Ziva laughed and shook her head. "Tony, I do not want you to do things just because I would like them. I want to do things that we both enjoy."

"Trust me, Ziva. I can find plenty entertainment at the Smithsonian. The American History Museum has a _huge_ entertainment section with hundreds of movie props and the Air and Space Museum has tons of flight simulation rides and the Natural History Museum has a _giant_ dinosaur skeleton and--"

"Okay, okay," Ziva laughed. "I get it, you would enjoy going to the museums. I just want to make sure that you will not be miserable on my account."

"If I'm with you, I don't think I could ever be miserable," Tony smiled.

Ziva felt her cheeks flush. "Sometimes I forget just how sweet you can be."

"Yeah, me too," Tony smiled as he stood up and grabbed their plates. "Now put your shoes on! We've got some American history to see!"

* * *

"Tony," Ziva called. "Come and look at these!"

Tony smiled. Just like she had been at the memorials and monuments, Ziva was like a school girl. She stopped at every glass display case to read the captions and beckoned him whenever something special caught her eye.

"Yeah, sweet cheeks?"

"These are the ruby slippers that Judy Garland wore while filming in The Wizard of Oz. Look, you can see some of the yellow residue on the bottoms from the yellow brick road," she laughed.

"Man," Tony sighed. "She had some tiny feet."

"Hey!" she laughed. "She is my shoe size!"

"Well…Uh…What I meant was…"

"You really should stop trying to save yourself or I might have to find a paperclip."

"Yes, ma'am!" Tony said with a mock salute.

Ziva just shook her head and grabbed Tony's hand, intertwining their fingers. "What time is it?" she asked. The Museum of American History had been their first stop and Ziva wanted to make sure they still had time to see the others before it grew too late.

"It is currently 12:28 in the afternoon," Tony replied after glancing at his watch.

"Twelve thirty already?!" Ziva asked, shock filling her voice. "I had no idea we had been here that long! I am sorry, Tony! I do not know how that much time passed. It seemed like--"

"Ziva," Tony interrupted.

"Yes?" she asked, concern still filling her face.

"You don't have to apologize for enjoying yourself," he laughed pulling his hand from hers and wrapping it around her shoulders. "When I was little I spent hours and hours in here just wandering. Spending two hours here is nothing," he assured he with a gentle squeeze.

"I am sorry," she laughed, now realizing how absurd she had been acting. "I guess I am a bit crazier than I previously thought," she added.

"A bit crazier?" Tony asked. He grimaced when he felt her elbow jab into his side. "I deserved that one," he groaned.

"Yes," she stated simply. "You did. And you also deserve this," she added before standing on her toes to place a gentle kiss on his lips. She couldn't help but chuckle when she heard Tony let out a soft groan and traced her lips with his tongue.

Pulling away, she once again intertwined their fingers. "Perhaps we should go get lunch and then move to the Air and Space Museum?" she asked.

"Uhh…" he laughed. "They've got a ton of ride simulations that flip and rotate and have insane special effects, so maybe we should eat _after_ we go there."

"Tony," she said. "I appreciate your concerns, but I have a rather strong stomach. I think I can handle a few small rides."

"It isn't your stomach I'm worried about," he laughed as they headed towards the escalator that led them to the exit.

* * *

It was 5:30 by the time they made it back to their apartment. Their faces were bright red from the cold air.

"It's only the first day of December and its already freezing!" Tony cried as he kicked his shoes off.

"Oh stop whining," Ziva laughed as she took her coat of a hung it on the rack, grabbing Tony's from the chair he had thrown it across. "Perhaps I cold help you warm up?"

"Hmmm…" Tony grinned as she thought about her proposition. "Does this plan to warm me up involve no clothing and a steamy shower?"

"I was thinking bath, but shower works, too," Ziva replied with a small shrug. "Unless you would like to just get into some sweat pants and curl up under the blankets?"

"Not with a proposition like that!" he laughed. "And besides, we need to get clean anyways."

"What?" Ziva asked as she took his hand and began to walk towards the bathroom. "Why must we get clean?"

"Because, sweet cheeks," Tony smiled as he turned the faucet on and let the hot water begin to fill the tub. "We have a date tonight."

"A date?" Ziva questioned. "I was not aware we had any plans."

"Yeah, Zee-vah," he laughed. "It's called a surprise. Guys sometimes plan them for girls to make them feel special."

Ziva felt her cheeks redden. "You planned a date for me?" she asked.

"Yeah," he replied sheepishly. "I've had it planned for about a week now."

"You are perfect," Ziva grinned as she pulled him flush against her and kissed him deeply. Slowly they began to shed their clothing until at last they were both naked. Tony sank into the bathtub first, leaving room between his legs for Ziva to sit in front of him. She slowly got into the tub, sighing as the hot water enveloped her body.

"We should warm up more often," Tony laughed as he pushed Ziva's hair off to one side and began to give her shoulders a massage. Ziva closed her eyes as she allowed herself to relax and lean into Tony's embrace.

"I agree," she said as his fingers worked magic on her freezing body. His hand gently moved from her shoulders around to her breasts and he began to massage them just as tenderly as he had her shoulders.

"Tony," she sighed, "we--"

"We've got time," he assured her as his hands slid underwater down her taut abdomen, stopping when they reached her sensitive womanhood.

"Oh," was all she said as she let her head fall to rest on one of his shoulders.

Gently Tony used his fingers to roam up and down her slit, memorizing the way each different touch made her moan. He softly slid his index finger into her, grinning when she thrust her hips at him. Urged on by the moans he was receiving as he moved his finger within her, he added both his middle and his ring finger into her, picking up his pace.

"Ken," she murmured, her hips rocking to meet his thrusts.

"Shhh," he whispered in her ear, slowing his touch. "If you keep moving, water's gonna get all over and we'll have to stop this early."

"Do not stop or I will harm you," she breathed as she reluctantly stopped rocking her hips.

She groaned when his fingers began to move inside of her once again. She could feel her orgasm mounting yet it was dancing elusively out of her grasp.

"Tony," she groaned. "I am so close," she managed to breathe.

"I can tell," he laughed as he took his free hand and brought it up to her clit, his fingers tracing it lightly. He felt her shudder when he began to rub the little bundle of nerves and he couldn't help but grin. There was something about the way Ziva reacted to his touch made Tony feel more masculine than any other women had ever made him feel.

Suddenly, he felt Ziva's walls clench around his fingers and her back arch. She cried out his name as her orgasm raked through her body. He slowed his fingers, working her down slowly from the pinnacle of pleasure she had experienced.

"Oh, God," she murmured as she allowed her body to go limp against his chest. "What was that for?" she asked as she regained her breath.

"Just helping you warm up," he laughed.

* * *

** Just a few quick questions!**

**1) What do you think is in the bag Tony was hiding?**

**2) What type of alcohol do you think Ziva would drink? Like, if she was having a meltdown of sorts, would she down a bottle of vodka or tequila or what? **

**3) What would you like to see happen in these next few chapters? I really wanna hear what you want to read!**


	17. Chapter 17

**Thanks to everyone who has reviewed! I'm totally pumped that you guys caught the Wicked references. I'm pretty much obsessed with that musical--and all musicals--and I just wanted to pay homage to it. ^_^**

**And in this universe, Tony knows nothing about Ari other than he shot Kate and that Gibbs (supposedly) killed him.  
**

* * *

_Suddenly, he felt Ziva's walls clench around his fingers and her back arch. She cried out his name as her orgasm raked through her body. He slowed his fingers, working her down slowly from the pinnacle of pleasure she had experienced. _

"_Oh, God," she murmured as she allowed her body to go limp against his chest. "What was that for?" she asked as she regained her breath._

"_Just helping you warm up," he laughed._

* * *

"Wow…" Tony breathed as Ziva emerged from their bedroom, dressed for their date.

"Recognize the dress?" she asked as she gave him a spin. The emerald green color accented her olive skin and the fabric clung to her curves. She had left her hair down and the curls fell to her bare shoulders, making Tony's mouth go dry.

"You wore it when we were undercover," he said with a grin. "You look gorgeous," he added as he helped her get into her coat.

"You look very handsome, as well," she said as she buttoned her coat. She noticed that he once again held the bag he had been hiding. "Are you going to tell me what is in that bag now?" she asked.

"Not yet," he laughed.

She raised an eyebrow at him, yet didn't badger him further. "Are we ready to go?"

"We are," Tony smiled as he opened the door to their apartment for her. "Ladies first."

"Toda," she said as she exited their apartment and began to walk with Tony to the elevator.

"You really look stunning," he whispered in her ear as he took her hand in his.

"You have said that."

"I know," he said as they entered the elevator. "But is there anything wrong with saying it more than once?" he added hitting the button to take them to the ground floor.

"Not in my book," she laughed. "So are you going to tell me where we are going?" she asked as the elevator doors opened.

"Nope," he said as he opened the building doors, the brisk December air hitting their faces. "Good thing I parked close to the building," he laughed.

"Perhaps we will have to warm up again when we get home, yes?" she asked as they reached his Mustang.

"I think that's a great idea!" Tony joked. "Madam," he said as opened Ziva's door for her, allowing her to step into the car.

"Thank you," she smiled as she sat in his car, shivering at the freezing temperature.

"Alrighty!" Tony exclaimed as he got into the driver's side of the car and turned the ignition, heat blaring from the vents. "Let's get this show on the road!"

Ziva couldn't help but laugh at his actions as he pulled out of the parking lot and onto the streets of D.C.

The two sat in the car, each talking about what it what that they had enjoyed most about the day. It felt so normal to Ziva, chatting with Tony about what their favorite exhibit were and what movies she just had to see. A normalcy that she hadn't felt in months.

"We're here!" Tony said as he pulled up to a large mansion.

"This is a restaurant?" Ziva asked as she placed her hand on the handle.

"Wait!" Tony cried as he jumped out of the car and ran around to her side, opening the door and offering his hand to her. "Sweet cheeks," he laughed with a mock bow.

"You do not have to do that," Ziva laughed as she stood up and shut the car door.

"I know, but I wanna," Tony smiled as he took his keys and threw them towards the young man working the valet. "Take care of her!" he yelled over his shoulder as he escorted Ziva into the restaurant.

"Tony," Ziva breathed as she entered the mansion. "This is spectacular…"

"Not as spectacular as you, though," he grinned as he walked up towards the hostess. "DiNozzo, party of two."

"You better not let McGee see this sentimental side of you or else you will never live it down," Ziva whispered, her breath tickling his ear.

Tony just smiled, shivering at the way her breath felt against his skin.

"Right this way," the woman smiled as she took two menus and led them to their table. The restaurant had very soft lighting with candles on each table.

"Tony, I cannot believe you did this for me," Ziva said as soon as the hostess had left them at their table.

"Well, you better believe it, sweet cheeks," he laughed. "Now check out the menu. This place is supposed to have some of the best food in all of D.C."

They spent the next few moments in silence, each one of them examining the rather large menu and trying to decide what to eat.

"You ready to order, Zi?" Tony asked when the waiter approached their table.

"Um, yes. How about you go first?" she suggested.

"Okay," he smiled. "I'm gonna have the Pepino's Lasagna Special, please," he said as he handed the waiter his menu.

"And for you, ma'am?"

"I think I am going to have the Shrimp Alfredo, if that is okay," Ziva said with a smile.

"No problem," the waiter smiled as he took Ziva's menu. "I'll put your orders in and I'll bring you guys some fresh breadsticks."

"Thanks," Tony smiled. "So whaddya think so far?"

"Tony," Ziva smiled. "I believe this is the sweetest, most thoughtful thing anyone has ever done for me. And I mean that. I love you."

"I love you more," Tony said childishly. "And don't even try to pull the whole 'oh no, I love _you_ more' thing, because I will _so_ win!"

Ziva couldn't help but laugh as she watched the way Tony spoke so animatedly.

"I will not argue with you, then," she smiled.

The two spent their dinner in complete stitches. They spoke of pranks pulled on both one another and on McGee. They reminisced about the countless movie nights they had held. They joked about everything they could think of, the atmosphere between them light. It was almost as if the past few months hadn't happened.

Finally their dinner plates were taken away and replaced with dessert menus.

"I hear that their lava cakes are absolutely fantastic," Tony smiled as he saw Ziva's eye scan the dessert menu. "And perfect for splitting with the most beautiful woman in all of D.C."

Ziva arched an eyebrow at him. "Somebody really wants to warm up tonight," she laughed.

"You caught me," Tony grinned sheepishly.

"Then lava cake it is," Ziva smiled when their waiter returned to take their order. "_Now_ are you going to tell me what is in that bag?" she asked.

Tony let out a large sigh. "I guess I can," he said. He reached for the bag he had placed at his feet and handed it across the table to Ziva. "I didn't get it wrapped because I thought that'd be kinda tacky…"

Ziva just laughed as she pulled the object from the bag. "_Wicked_," she read. "_The Life and Times of the Wicked Witch of the West_…"

"Yeah," he said. "Talking about the Wizard of Oz last night and about why the Wicked Witch was so wicked reminded me of this. My friend read it a while ago and told me all about it. It's basically the prequel to The Wizard of Oz. It wasn't written by the same guy, but this book gives the history of the Wicked Witch of the West. It explains why she was viewed as wicked."

Ziva looked up at Tony, her eyelashes damp. "I do not know what to say," she said gently. "The fact that you went out to find this for me based on a conversation we had at eleven o'clock at night is…Perfect. Thank you," she said.

"You're perfect," Tony smiled as he reached his hand across the table to grasp hers.

"Lava cake for two," the waiter said as he approached the table and set the steamy dessert in the middle of the table.

"Thanks," Tony said with a smile.

"Thank you," Ziva added as the waiter nodded his head and walked away.

"Dig in, sweet cheeks," Tony said as he took his fork and took a large bite of the lava cake. "'Dis ish wunderful!" he said with his full mouth.

Ziva just smiled and watched him eat for a few moments, her mind still reeling at what he had just done for her.

"You gonna try some?" Tony asked as he saw her watching him. "It's fantastic!"

"Yes, sorry," she said as she took her fork and brought a bite of the warm dessert to her mouth. "Oh my goodness," she said as she swallowed. "We should have ordered two," she laughed.

"Tell me about it!" he laughed. "But I have a feeling we'll eat some dessert of our own when we get back home," he said with a wink.

Ziva grinned as she took another bite of the cake, her body already anticipating his touch.

* * *

Later that night, the two lovers lay in their bed, a thin layer of sweat covering both of their bodies.

"What did I do to deserve you?" Ziva breathed, her heart still pounding from the thundering climax she and Tony had reached together only moments ago.

"I ask myself the same thing every day," Tony replied as he flipped onto his side and propped himself with his elbow. He smiled as he saw the way the moonlight glowed on her naked torso, her chest rising and falling as she tried to regain the breath she had lost.

"Do you regret meeting?" Ziva asked as she too propped herself on her elbow now at eye level with Tony.

"What?" Tony asked with both confusion and fear filling his voice. "Why on Earth would I regret meeting you?"

"I took Kate's place. I came to NCIS and I took her spot on the team. I became the only female, I sat at her desk, I was the one who laughed when Gibbs smacked you. Do you regret meeting me under those circumstances?"

"Ziva," Tony said softly. "Kate was like my sister and I loved her like she was one. I miss her and I always will, but if you hadn't come to NCIS, I would be sitting here next to some blonde bimbo talking about God knows what. If you and I hadn't met, I wouldn't have fallen head over heels in love with you. I wouldn't have my soul mate," he said, reaching out to cup her face in his hand. "I love you Ziva David and there is no way in hell I could ever regret meeting you."

Ziva smiled. "I do not think I will ever be able to get over just how absolutely perfect you are," she murmured as she rolled on top of Tony and began to nip at his neck, her hands reaching behind her to pull the covers up over them.

"And I'll never be able to forget just how absolutely insatiable you are," Tony moaned as he felt her soft hands guide his now hard shaft into her damp opening. "God, I love you," he breathed.

"I love you more," she whispered in his ear as she began to rotate her hips, the friction causing them both to gasp.

"Not possible," Tony laughed as he flipped them over and took control, thrusting into her with wild abandon.

* * *

"It is December 2?" Ziva asked as she pulled on her coat, looking at the calendar she had put on their fridge.

"Yeah and I'm already sick of winter. Why?"

"It is just…It is nothing. I just did not realize how close we were to the end of the year."

"Okay," Tony said apprehensively. He knew something was bothering Ziva about the date, yet he had absolutely no idea what it was.

The spent the entire car ride in silence as Ziva stared out the window in a trance, her mind reeling. This day came every year and yet it always caught her off guard.

"Ziva? Earth to Ziva!"

Tony's voice snapped Ziva out of her reverie.

"Yes?" she asked with a smile.

"We're at NCIS. We have been for a few minutes. What's goin' on? Something's bugging you, I can tell."

"It is nothing," Ziva smiled as she unbuckled and exited the car. "I am just thinking about last night," she added as she took his hand in hers and walked to the elevator.

"Why is it I don't believe you?"

"I do not know," she said simply as they stepped onto the elevator.

The day went by rather uneventful. They hadn't caught a case and each member of the team was itching for an excuse to get out of the bullpen. As the lunch hour grew closer, Ziva could no longer stand the silence.

"Gibbs," she said as she stood up from her desk abruptly. "May I have a word with you in your office?" she asked as she grabbed her purse and coat.

Gibbs just nodded and grabbed his coffee cup, walking to the elevator with Ziva. Once they were in, he flipped the switch and turned towards her.

"Talk," he said as he took a swig of his coffee.

"Seeing as we have no case at the moment," Ziva began. "I was wondering if perhaps I could go home early."

"And why would I let you do that?"

"It is December 2, Gibbs," she replied. "It was five years ago that Ari was killed and I really would like to have a few hours alone."

"Oh…" Gibbs trailed off. He, like Ziva, hadn't realized how quickly the date had approached. "Go home," he finally said. "I'll call you if a case comes up."

"Thank you, Gibbs," Ziva sighed. "Very much."

"Don't mention it," Gibbs said as he flicked the switch back on and hit the button to take the elevator down to the parking garage. Ziva exited the elevator swiftly, walking past Tony's mustang and towards the bus stop that would take her to her apartment.

"Ziver," Gibbs called after her.

"Yes?" she asked as she turned to face him.

"Be safe. That's an order."

Ziva just nodded her head and turned back around, pulling her coat around her as she waited for the bus to arrive.

When Ziva arrived home, she quickly shed her clothing and pulled on a pair of pajamas; Ari's pajamas. There was a large pair of sweatpants and a t-shirt that swallowed Ziva's small frame, making her look even more fragile that she really was.

Padding out into the kitchen, Ziva stood on her tip toes to search the top cupboard for the tequila bottle she had purchased just a few days prior. It was the tequila that she and Ari had shared the night before he died. The night before she killed him.

"I am so sorry, Ari," she said to the empty apartment as she crawled into her bed and pulled her knees to her chest, taking a long gulp of the alcohol.

She reached into her bedside table and pulled out a photo album, one that contained photographs from her life in Israel. Many of the photos were of her and Ari as children and as teenagers, smiling as though nothing could ever go wrong. She sat in bed flipping through the photographs, talking to the air as though Ari was sitting with her.

"Do you remember my bat mitzvah?" she laughed. "Father insisted upon taking every one of my toys yet your present to me was that teddy bear? I still have that bear," she smiled as she stood on shaky legs and walked to the room where she kept her weapons. Rummaging in one of the drawers, she pulled out a tattered teddy bear and carried it back to the bedroom with her.

"Sometimes I still need him to help me get to sleep," she said. "I miss you, Ari," she said as tears began to fall from her eyes. "I cannot believe that it was I who killed you. I cannot believe that I shot my own brother…" she cried as she pulled the teddy bear closer to her and took a few swigs from the bottle of tequila.

And that is how Tony found her when he came home from work earlier than Ziva had planned for. He called her name and, getting no response, walked into the bedroom to find her nursing a near empty bottle of tequila, clutching to a teddy bear and photo album as though they were her lifelines.

"Zi?!" Tony asked as he rushed to her side. "Ziva, what's going on? Why did you leave early and why the hell are you lying in bed like this?"

"Ari..." she managed to say.

"Ari?" Tony questioned. "You mean Ari Haswari?"

Ziva grimaced when Tony said his name. "Yes," she said, rolling over to look up at Tony from her position on the bed. Her eyes were bloodshot from both alcohol and tears and she looked so frail in the baggy clothing.

"What on Earth could possibly make you this distraught about that jack ass?" Tony asked angrily.

"He was my brother!" Ziva yelled, her voice hoarse.

Tony took a step back when she yelled, stunned at her confession. "Ari Haswari was…your brother?"

"Yes," she said softly. "His father was my father," she said.

"Oh…" was all Tony could manage to say. "I am so sorry, Ziva. I didn't know. I didn't mean it when I called him a jack ass. I just…He killed Kate and…I'm sorry."

"Do not be sorry," Ziva said as she raised the bottle to her lips only to have it swiped away by Tony. "Hey!" she exclaimed.

"Nuh-uh," Tony said setting the tequila on the bedside table. "No more tequila for you."

'

"It will go to waste!" she said, her words slurred.

"Too bad," Tony said with a shrug. "Now," he said pulling the covers up and getting into bed next to Ziva. "Tell me about Ari."

And Ziva spent the new few hours telling Tony every memory she had of Ari, often pointing out photos of them in the album, clutching the bear to her chest. Tears were pouring down her face the entire time she spoke yet she couldn't stop the stories from pouring out of her mouth.

"Look at me," she laughed as she wiped the tears from her cheeks. "I should be shot."

"No, Ziva. You shouldn't," Tony said, taking her face in his hands and forcing her to look at him. "Your brother was killed. You're allowed to fall apart."

Ziva looked into his eyes and lost it all over again. She killed her brother and, despite all the memories she had spend the past hours think of, she couldn't get the image of his lifeless body out of her head.

"I am going to the bathroom," she said as she pulled away from Tony's embrace and got out of the bed.

Before Tony could stop her, she had walked hurriedly down the hall not to the bathroom that was attached to the bedroom but rather to the bathroom on the other side of the apartment.

"Ziva!" Tony all but yelled as she followed after her, his fist hitting the door she had locked behind her. "Ziva open the door!" He knew what she was going to do behind that closed door and he refused to let it happen.

"Go away, Tony!"

Tony sighed and took a step back from the door, using his foot to kick it open.

"Tony!" she yelled at the sudden intrusion. She had her knife poised at the crook of her elbow, her knuckles white as she gripped the handle.

"If you're gonna cut, you're not gonna do it hiding in here like some scared little girl. You're gonna do it right here with me watching. Not hiding."

Ziva's eyes widened. He wanted to…watch? "What are you?" she laughed. "What sort of sick, masochistic person are you?"

"I'm not gonna let you sit in here and slice your arm open because you miss your brother!" he said trying to keep his voice down.

"What if I am about to slice my arm open because I am the one who killed my brother!" she yelled. "I killed my brother, Tony! I stood in Gibbs' basement and shot my brother!"

"Ziva…" Tony breathed. He, like everyone else, had believed the report that Gibbs had shot Ari. "I had no idea."

"No one did," she said. "Now please, Tony. I need to cut. Just leave me."

"No," was all he said. "I told you. If you're gonna cut, you're gonna do it right in front of me, not hiding like a little girl."

"Please, Tony!" she cried, the need to cut taking over her body. "I need to do this!"

"Then do it," Tony said sitting on the tile next to her.

The need to cut was growing stronger with each moment. She needed to cut and, even though Tony was sitting right there, she gave in to temptation.

She put the blade back at the crook of her elbow and pressed down, closing her eyes when the blade bit into her flesh. She slowly dragged it down her arm, a crimson trail of blood springing up on her arm.

The entire time, Tony was keeping his eyes on her tearstained face, watching for any sign of the relief she was desperately seeking.

She took the blade from her arm and opened her eyes, staring at the blood that was falling down her arms.

She didn't feel relief.

She never had not felt relief. The cutting had always worked—instant gratification. Her heart rate increasing, she once again put the blade against her elbow and pushed down deeper this time, cringing a bit when she felt it tear into her flesh. She dragged the blade slower this time, the pressure greater than before. She took the blade away from her arm when that cut was finished and she gently set the blade on the floor.

The cut was far deeper than any other cut she had ever done, yet it wasn't enough to warrant stitches or a trip to the hospital. She had cutting down to a science.

"Feel better?" Tony asked as he gingerly reached for the knife and moved it away from her.

"Yes," she replied breathlessly as she closed her eyes, allowing herself to fall into oblivion.

* * *

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	18. Chapter 18

**Look at that! 2 chapters in one day!! You guys are lucky, lucky, readers.**

**Anywho, I'm hoping that with this chapter I'll hit 100 reviews. If you're reviewer number 100, you'll get a little something special.**

**^_^**

* * *

_She never had not felt relief. The cutting had always worked—instant gratification. Her heart rate increasing, she once again put the blade against her elbow and pushed down deeper this time, cringing a bit when she felt it tear into her flesh. She dragged the blade slower this time, the pressure greater than before. She took the blade away from her arm when that cut was finished and she gently set the blade on the floor. _

_The cut was far deeper than any other cut she had ever done, yet it wasn't enough to warrant stitches or a trip to the hospital. She had cutting down to a science._

"_Feel better?" Tony asked as he gingerly reached for the knife and moved it away from her. _

"_Yes," she replied breathlessly as she closed her eyes, allowing herself to fall into oblivion. _

* * *

Ziva awoke early the next morning with a throbbing pain in both her arm and her head. She tried to move to examine what was causing the pain, yet she found herself unable to move. Tony had her in a deadlock grip, her body curled into the fetal position.

She was just about to nudge Tony and wake him from his slumber, but the events of the previous night came flying back into her mind. Leaving work early, downing an entire bottle of Ari's favorite tequila, sharing every memory she had of Ari with Tony, spilling the biggest secret she had ever kept by telling Tony that she had killed her own brother. And cutting.

That was what the throbbing in her arm and head was; a mixture of a terrible hangover and two fresh scars on her arm.

But how she ended up on the bed with Tony and how her arm became bandaged so perfectly and everything after her rendezvous with the knife was a blank in her mind.

"Tony?" she said, surprised at how soft and hoarse her voice sounded.

Tony remained fast asleep, both his body and his mind exhausted from the activities of the previous night.

"Tony," she tried again, attempting to raise her voice louder. Yet it still came out as nothing more than a hoarse whisper.

Sighing at his deep slumber, Ziva began to move gently, tying to pry herself from his grip and escape from the memories that were plaguing her mind.

"Uh, uh," Tony mumbled as he tightened his grip around her balled up body. "Go back to sleep," he added.

"I am not tired," she managed to croak out.

"Sleep," Tony said with a gentle squeeze, sleep taking over his body just as quickly as it had left.

Reluctantly, Ziva laid her head back down on the pillow and stared into the distance. She didn't feel tired and she knew she and Tony needed to get up if they wanted to make it to work on time, yet she was surprised at how rapidly her eyelids grew heavy and how quickly sleep took control over her.

When she woke up again, it was because of a soft whisper in her ear.

"Ziva," she heard the voice say gently. "Hey, Zi. It's time to get up."

"Tony?" she said, opening her heavy eyelids as far as they could go.

"Yeah, it's me," he said. "How are you feeling?" he asked, automatically head-slapping himself for asking such a stupid question.

"Mentally or physically?"

"Both."

"Well, physically I feel as though I have endured a life time of head-slaps in rapid succession," she managed to say with an extremely weak smile.

"And emotionally?" Tony asked as he helped her into a sitting position against the headboard.

"Disgusting. Worthless. Weak. Exhausted. Stupid. Awful. I can go on and on, if you would like."

Tony sighed and sat down next to her on the bed. "Well," he said as he took her bandaged hand in his, "you're none of those things if that helps at all."

She let out a weak laugh. "I wish it did," she said as she laid her head on his shoulder, unable to hold it up on her own. "What time is it?"

"11:18," Tony said as he glanced at the alarm clock.

"What?" Ziva half croaked, half yelled. "Are you crazy?" she added as she tried to lift her head, dizziness filling her head.

"Whoa," Tony said as he guided her head back onto his shoulder. "I called Gibbs last night once I got you in bed. He told me to take today off and he'd visit later to see if you need to take some time off."

"Tony, I cannot take time off," she said. "I have just gotten back in the field and I will go crazy if I am stuck here or at desk duty for one more day."

"Dammit, Ziva!" Tony said pulling himself away from her and getting out of the bed. "Is all you care about not being on desk duty?!"

"Please, do not yell," Ziva said cringing at his voice as she propped herself up on the headboard. "And no, that is not all I care about."

"Really?" Tony asked sarcastically. "Because that's all it seems like you do give a rat's ass about. As long as you can trick people into letting you go back into the field everything will be peachy keen. Am I right?!?!"

"No," Ziva said angrily. "I enjoy field work, is there something wrong with that?"

"Yeah!" Tony yelled. "This!" he added as he walked to her and took hold of her bandaged arm. "This is what's wrong!"

Ziva flinched as he took her bandaged arm in his hand. "That hurts, Tony," she said weakly, unable to argue anymore.

"Really?" he asked with a sadistic laugh. "And it didn't hurt when you sat in the bathroom and took your knife to your arm twice while I was sitting right there?!?!"

Ziva said nothing. She just looked up at him, hurt filling her eyes. She was no longer angry with Tony—she was simply hurt.

"Oh, God," Tony whispered as he dropped her arm and wrapped his arms around her, a rather difficult thing to do since she was reclining on the headboard and he was standing. "I was so scared, Zi," he whispered in her ear. "I was terrified."

Ziva closed her eyes, inhaling deeply to smell Tony's scent which she found so comforting.

"I am so sorry," she said.

"No, don't be sorry. You did nothing wrong, you hear me?" he asked, pulling away and taking her head in his hands. "You did absolutely nothing wrong."

"I cut, Tony," she said with a weak laugh. "I am pretty sure that would be considered something wrong."

"Yeah, but you talked to me about it. You didn't just run off and hide."

"Yes, Tony, I did. I ran to the bathroom and hid there like a little girl. And when you confronted me, I still cut. I cut right in front of you, Tony!" she said.

"And I consider that a good thing."

"Well then I would hate to see what you consider and bad thing," she said softly as she scooted over to allow him to sit next to her once again, resting her head on his shoulder.

"Ziva, you cut in front of me, yeah. That wasn't the best thing you could have done, but you did. You did it in front of me _not_ like a scared girl. You didn't treat cutting like it was some taboo thing that you couldn't let anyone else see or hear you talk about. You made it less taboo last night," Tony said as he kissed the crown of her head.

"I am still so tired," she said, unable to form a response to what he had just said.

"Yeah," Tony smiled, "that's my fault."

"What?" Ziva asked. "How is it your fault?"

"Well, uh, when you were in Somalia I kinda went through a bit of insomnia and I had a doctor prescribe me some medicine to help me sleep. I still have a bottle left and I kinda, sorta might've given you one of the pills."

"You 'kinda, sorta, might've' given me one?" Ziva tried to laugh, which ended up sounding more like a cough.

"Yeah. You were tossing and turning, so I figured I would give you one. Just to help you get some sleep."

"Thank you," she said. "I do not remember any of that."

"Whaddya mean?"

"The last thing I remember is sitting on the bathroom floor. I had run in there and you bashed the door open. You were telling me not to run and hide like a little girl and…And I cut right in front of you. I remember looking you in the eye and begging you to let me cut and then actually cutting. After that I have no idea what happened."

"Do ya want me to tell you or would you rather not relive it?" Tony asked as his hands idly stroked her hair.

"I think I would like to know what happened."

"Okay," Tony said. "But do you want me to make you some tea or toast? I have this feeling that you and your hangover might need it."

Ziva smiled. "I think tea would be nice," she said as she began to pull the covers off of her.

"Uh,uh," Tony said as he placed his hands on hers. "You stay in bed and I'll get the tea. I already put some water on the stove to heat up, anyways."

"Toda," she said as she placed the covers back over her and let her head rest against the back board of the bed.

Minutes later, Tony walked back into the bedroom to find Ziva stroking the fur on a tattered teddy bear.

"Ari give that to you?" he asked as he handed her a large mug of tea.

"Yes," she smiled as she took a sip of the tea, sighing as the hot liquid ran down her throat. "It was for my Bat Mitzvah. Eli took away every one of my toys and dolls yet Ari gave this to me. You should have seen the look on Eli's face when I opened it."

"What's its name?" Tony asked as he pulled the covers aside and once again reclined next to Ziva.

"Tali," she whispered. "I thought perhaps naming after her would some how bring her back. It did not work."

"You would have been a wonderful older sister to her."

"I wish I had gotten the chance to know for sure, though," Ziva said. "But enough about that. I would like to know what happened last night."

"Well," Tony began, "you fell asleep literally five seconds after you cut. You put your knife down and just fell asleep right on the bathroom floor. I obviously bandaged it," he said gesturing to the white gauze that covered her arm. "And then I carried you back here. You spent hours tossing and turning and crying and that's when I gave you the medicine to help you sleep. After that you just curled up into the fetal position, cried for a while, and then fell back asleep. And viola, you're here!"

Ziva smiled. "I did not mean to keep you up all night. I did not mean to do any of what I did last night."

"I know, Zi," Tony said. "But it's in the past and we're gonna move on, kay?"

"I can try."

"'Do or do not, there is no try.'" Tony laughed.

"What?" Ziva asked as she set the mug of tea down on the table beside the bed.

"It's from Star Wars. Yoda, this wise little green guy says it. We _will_ move on from this, Ziva. We will."

"I believe you," she said. "But before we get to moving on, do you think we could sleep for just a bit longer?"

Tony let out a laugh. "Of course, sweet cheeks," he said as he moved over to give her room to lie down. She laid down on her side, nuzzling her head into the crook of his neck.

"Sleep well, my little ninja," he said gently. "I love you."

* * *

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	19. Chapter 19

**Hey, guys! So, I know I kinda upset people with my last chapters and I just wanna apologize. **

**Hopefully this chapter doesn't upset you guys as the last ones did.**

**Read and Review!!**

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"_It's from Star Wars. Yoda, this wise little green guy says it. We will move on from this, Ziva. We will."_

"_I believe you," she said. "But before we get to moving on, do you think we could sleep for just a bit longer?"_

_Tony let out a laugh. "Of course, sweet cheeks," he said as he moved over to give her room to lie down. She laid down on her side, nuzzling her head into the crook of his neck._

"_Sleep well, my little ninja," he said gently. "I love you."_

* * *

"Why did you guys lie on the report? Why did you say that you killed Ari?"

"Ziva killed her brother, DiNozzo. Do you think Mossad would really appreciate that? She woulda been dead within hours if they knew that she was the one who killed Ari," Gibbs said gruffly.

"That makes sense," Tony said with a shrug. "So what are we gonna do? More therapy, desk duty, let her back in the field?"

"What do you think?"

"Honestly, Gibbs? I have no idea. I'd like to think that this was just a one time thing. That this whole Ari's death thing came at a time when she's really fragile and that, in time, she won't have to get drunk and slash her arms whenever she feels like she did last night."

Gibbs nodded as he took a sip of the coffee he had brought. "I'd have to agree with you on that."

"So what do we do now?"

"What would you do?" Gibbs replied.

Tony sat there in silence for a few moments, exploring the options in his mind. "I'd let her stay in the field," he stated.

"And why is that?" Gibbs asked as he took a long swig of his coffee.

"I really don't have much of a reason why. I just know what Ziva loves field work and would go nuts if you put her on desk duty. I know that she needs something to occupy her mind that doesn't deal with Somalia or Ari or cutting. I just think she belongs in the field."

"Then that's what we'll do," Gibbs said simply.

"What is it that we will do?"

"Ziva," Tony smiled as she walked into the living room where he and Gibbs were sitting. "How are you feeling?"

"Much less hung-over," she smiled as she sat down next to Tony on the couch. "Hello, Gibbs," she said as she crossed her legs Indian style.

"Hey, Ziver," he said as he took in her appearance. Disheveled hair thrown into a lose pony tail, giant sweat pants and t-shirt that he assumed was Ari's, and a pale complexion. "Ya look like hell."

Ziva couldn't help but laugh. "Yes, I am quite aware of how awful I look. It is good to see you, too."

Tony could sense the tension between the two. "Well, I'm gonna go make you some tea, Zi," he said as he stood up and rapidly walked towards the kitchen.

Once Tony was out of sight, Gibbs reached over and gave her a smack on the back of the head.

"Gibbs!" she said. "What was that for?"

"I told you to be safe," he said seriously. "And you obviously didn't listen," he added as he gestured to her bandaged arm.

"Gibbs…" she trailed off. "I screwed up, I am aware. I did not listen to your orders and I acted like a child. I am sorry, but--"

"Dammit, David!" he exclaimed as he slammed his coffee cup on the table. "You did more than screw up!"

Ziva jumped slightly as anger exploded from Gibbs. "I am sorry," she stammered, unable to process what was going on.

"Bullshit!" he yelled. "You say you're sorry but the next time that something bad happens, you're gonna go right back to cutting," he said, his voice softer, yet the anger still there.

"You do not know that," she said angrily. "And who are you to look down on the ways I do or do not deal with my problems? Do you not get drunk on bourbon and build a new boat every time something goes wrong?" she spat, now standing face to face with Gibbs.

"At least that's constructive!" he barked.

"Get out," she said shaking her head. "Get out, Gibbs. You are my boss and I respect you and I see you as a father figure, but you have no right to treat me as you are doing. I went through hell for months and--"

"We went through hell, too." Tony's voice was soft as he walked into the living room with a mug of tea. "You think you're the only one who went through hell, but we went through hell just as much as you did."

"Really?" she laughed as her eyes darted between Gibbs and Tony. "Were you forced to go days without food or drink and pleasure your captors just to get a sip of water? Were you raped day in and day out in every possible way a person can be raped? Were you forced to--"

"Try and find a replacement for your partner because you thought she was dead and that it was all your fault?" Tony asked

"Try and convince Vance not to fill your spot with some Probie because I felt your death was my fault and that I shouldn't have left you in Israel?" Gibbs asked at the same time as Tony spoke.

Ziva stood there, letting silence fall over the living room. Her jaw was clenched as it was visible that she was trying to hold back tears.

"I assume I am on desk duty until I complete another month of therapy?" she asked tentatively, afraid to hear the answer that she knew was coming.

"Nope," Gibbs said softly as he attempted to calm himself down.

"What??" Ziva asked, surprise filling her voice. "I know that what I did was stupid and harmful to myself, but I hardly think that is enough to warrant taking away my status as an Agent," she said.

"I didn't say we were taking away your Agent status."

"Then…I am allowed to be in the field?" she asked uncertainly.

"Yep," Gibbs replied.

A huge grin formed on Ziva's face. "Thank you, Gibbs," she said. She couldn't help it. She took a step towards him and gave him a hug that would rival one of Abby's. "Thank you so, so much," she smiled as she felt him return the hug.

"Don't thank me," he whispered. "It was all DiNozzo."

Ziva smiled as she pulled away from Gibbs, her eyelashes damp. "You do not know how much this means to me," he said.

"I think I've got a pretty good idea," Gibbs said cryptically as he pulled his coat on.

"Wait!"

"What, DiNozzo?" Gibbs said, the gruff tone of his voice returning.

"You should stay for dinner, boss," Tony said. "Ziva makes this absolutely fantastic macaroni and cheese dish thing that will make your taste buds do a happy dance in your mouth."

"Can't," Gibbs said as he opened the door, "got a date with Ducky," he shrugged as he stepped out of the apartment and closed the door behind him.

Ziva grinned when she saw the utterly confused look on Tony's face. "You are so strange sometimes," she said as she sipped her tea. "And who said I was going to make you dinner?"

"Me," Tony said with a childish grin. "Pleeeeeease?" he asked, giving her his best pout.

"Well, Gibbs did say that it was you who convinced him to let me go back into the field, so I suppose you do deserve a special treat," she smiled.

"Yes!" Tony said, pumping his fist in the air.

* * *

Later that evening after Tony had wolfed down Ziva's dinner and his taste buds had in fact done a happy dance, the couple was sitting on the couch, Ziva curled up on one side and Tony on the other. He was flipping through an old Sports Illustrated and Ziva was intently reading Wicked.

"Tony?" she said as she inserted the bookmark into the book and set it down on her lap.

"Yeah?" Tony replied, throwing the worn out magazine on to the floor. "You likin' the book?" he asked.

"Yes," she smiled. "It is wonderful. You should read it once I have finished. I think you would enjoy it."

"I'm not much of a book person, in case ya haven't noticed," Tony laughed. "So whaddya wanna talk about?"

"I want you to tell me what happened while I was in Somalia. It was selfish of me to think that I was the only one who went through hell."

"Ziva, it's in the past. I thought we were gonna try to move on?"

"Tony, I have told you what happened to me during those months and now I want you to tell me what happened to you and the rest of the team. I have bared everything for you and now it is your turn."

"Are you sure?" Tony asked.

"Yes," she replied simply as she pulled her knees up to her chest. "I want to know."

"Every waking moment—and often every sleeping moment—was torment. It was my fault that you stayed in Tel Aviv and I couldn't ever let that go. I couldn't get over the fact that it was because of me that you stayed in Tel Aviv and would probably be killed within the first month."

"Tony, it was my decision to stay in Israel. I _chose_ to stay there."

"And I should have jumped off the plane and begged you to get on it with us. I should have refused to board that jet until you were on it with me."

"I do not think that would have changed anything," she said softly.

"I know that, Zi. But I should have tried to stop you from leaving us. Every day I looked in the mirror I was faced with the fact that I was just as much a monster as Eli was. I knew you were signing a death warrant when you returned to Mossad yet I did nothing."

"You are nothing like, Eli. You did--"

Tony held his hand up. "Let me talk," he said.

"I am sorry," Ziva said softly. "Continue." She began to fiddle with the gauze that was wrapped around her arm, tugging at the flimsy fabric.

"It was torture to have to live with the fact that you were stuck with Eli and that he was using you and it was entirely my fault. And when I heard about the Damocles and how there were no survivors…God, Ziva. I could have thrown myself off a cliff at that moment. Vance kept throwing file after file on our desks to find a replacement for you, yet no one came close to you. They never threatened me with paperclips or screwed up their idioms. They were never the glue."

"You are saying that…I was the glue?" she asked, her eyebrows furrowed.

"Well you sure as hell held me together. And the rest of the team pretty much fell apart, too. Gibbs I swear gave me more head-slaps than I've ever gotten and he went through a year's supply of bourbon a week. Probie didn't write any of his new novel—that one he was talking about before…Before all of this. He didn't write a single page. Ducky's stories just felt less passionate and like he knew we didn't want to hear them. Abby was distraught probably the longest. She kept your photo up every day and kept count of how many days you had been gone. We fell apart, Ziva."

A few tears had fallen from Ziva's eyes. "I did not realize how much my leaving would affect you…"

"Neither did I," Tony said. "But something good did come out of it all," he smiled.

"What? What good could have come from the team falling apart because I no longer trusted you?"

"I realized that you were the glue that held me together and how awful it was to live without you. I realized that I love you more than I thought I could ever love anyone."

Ziva stopped fiddling with the gauze on her arm and looked up, smiling. She silently adjusted her body so she could curl up next to Tony and rest her head on his shoulder.

"You are my glue, too."

* * *

**Hit that little green button!**


	20. Chapter 20

**So, this is gonna be a filler chapter of sorts. It's got snippets of conversations that Ziva has with the team about both what happened in Somalia and just about life in general.**

**I'm thinking of winding this story down—3 or 4 more chapters, I think.**

**But!! Have no fear. I've got a sequel all planned out in my head if I get feedback telling me I should write it.**

**One last thing! There's a bit of irony in one of these segments. Those who find it will get a virtual hug! XD**

**Enjoy!**

* * *

_A few tears had fallen from Ziva's eyes. "I did not realize how much my leaving would affect you…"_

"_Neither did I," Tony said. "But something good did come out of it all," he smiled._

"_What? What good could have come from the team falling apart because I no longer trusted you?"_

"_I realized that you were the glue that held me together and how awful it was to live without you. I realized that I love you more than I thought I could ever love anyone."_

_Ziva stopped fiddling with the gauze on her arm and looked up, smiling. She silently adjusted her body so she could curl up next to Tony and rest her head on his shoulder._

"_You are my glue, too."_

* * *

"No, no, my dear," Ducky smiled as he placed his hand over Ziva's. "This lunch is my treat, I insist."

"Ducky, really, it is no problem. I will pay for my half," Ziva countered.

"I know it is no problem, but my mother raised me to be a gentleman and gentleman always pay for their beautiful lady's meals."

Ziva couldn't help but smile. "She raised you well, then," she said as she stopped searching her purse. "But next week I pay. No buts."

"I wouldn't have it any other way," Ducky said. "I've missed our lunch dates, Ziva," he said as he placed a credit card on the table for the waiter.

"I have missed them, too," she smiled as she sipped her water. "I am sorry it has taken us so long to start having them again."

"There is nothing to be sorry about," he laughed.

"Then why do I feel as though I need to apologize profusely to everyone on the team?"

"I'm afraid I don't have an answer for that, my dear," Ducky said softly. "We all make mistakes, weather it is returning to a place we never felt as home because we don't trust our partners or if it something much simpler than that. There is no doubt that you caused every one of us unequivocal pain, Ziva, but that is in the past. What matters is that you are alive, that you are safe, and that you're _home_," he smiled as the waiter took their plates from their table. "Does that help answer your question at all?"

Ziva chuckled. He hadn't actually answered her question, yet he had managed to give her the compassionate honesty that only he could give.

"Yes," she said. "I believe it does."

"I am glad I could help. I think it is time we head back to work, though."

"I agree," Ziva replied as she stood up and pushed her chair in.

They walked to Ducky's car in silence as they watched snow fall and form a thin blanket over the street of Washington.

"Ducky?" Ziva asked once they were in the car and on their way back to NCIS.

"Yes, my dear?"

"Tell me a story."

"A story?" Ducky asked. "A story about what?"

"Anything," she replied. "Tell me about something that happened while I was gone."

Ducky smiled as a memory came to mind. "There was one time when Mr. Palmer, that poor boy…"

* * *

"Ziva!!"

"Hello, Abby," Ziva smiled as she allowed the bubbly woman to engulf her in a tight hug.

"I am so glad you asked me to come over tonight," Abby said as she pulled her coat off and hung it up. "We haven't had a girl's night in _forever_ and I was going crazy! So much has happened and it's been awful not having a girlfriend who I can call up and talk to. Not to mention I've had to attempt to paint my own nails which I'm awful at," she said as she held her hands out for Ziva to see.

Ziva laughed at the chaos that covered Abby's fingernails. "Well, I think that will be our first order of business, yes?" she asked. "Manicures?"

"I've got the polish if you've got the supplies!"

Ziva smiled as she sat Abby down on her couch and began to remove the mess that Abby had created on her nails.

"So why did you attempt to do your own nails? You know you can always come to me and I will be glad to paint them for you," Ziva said.

"Well, when you came back from Somalia I got the feeling that you needed some time to be alone and just recuperate, so I just tried to do them myself cuz' I figured you wouldn't really be up for a girl's night. I was gonna invite you to a concert—there's this awesome band called Stop Making Friends that you would totally love—so that would could have a night out together, then this whole cutting thing came up and, once again, I got the feeling I should keep my distance."

Ziva slowed the movements of the file she was using on Abby's nails, absorbing all that she had just heard.

Sensing Ziva's hesitation, Abby tried to fix what she had just said.

"Ziva, I'm sorry. That came out totally mean and awful and I didn't mean that I didn't wanna be near you or that you--"

"Abby," she said looking up at her and stopping her mid-sentence. "It is fine. I truly am sorry. I was so absorbed in what I was feeling and what was going on in my life that I forgot what you were all going through."

"It's okay, really, Ziva. You had a right to be--"

"I did not have a right to treat you all as I did. I acted as though nothing was wrong and grew angry every time you tried to help. Forgive me?" Ziva asked with a smile.

"Only on one condition," Abby said.

"And that would be what?"

"That we have this girl's nights more often," Abby grinned.

"If they keep your nails from looking like this, I will make every night a girl's night," Ziva laughed.

"Hey!" Abby exclaimed as she pulled a pillow from behind her and threw it at Ziva who was sitting across from her on the couch. "They're not that bad!"

"Really?" Ziva asked with a raised eyebrow as she quickly dodged the flying pillow.

Abby looked down at her hands and began to laugh uncontrollably. "They are pretty bad," she laughed.

"That is what I thought," Ziva mocked as she picked up the file and once again began to work diligently on Abby's nails.

* * *

"So, Mr. Gemcity," Ziva smiled as she sat with McGee in a pavilion near the NCIS building. They both had bundled up and gone for a coffee break, watching the snow fall around them. "What do you have in store for Agent Tommy and Officer Lisa in your newest novel?"

McGee laughed as he took a sip of coffee. "I'm not sure," he admitted. "I haven't written much lately." He paused, thinking for a moment. "I don't think I've written anything, actually," he shrugged.

"I have heard," Ziva replied as she watching his eyebrows furrow in frustration.

"What?" McGee asked, turning to face her.

"Tony and I…We had a talk about what happened whilst I was in Somalia and he mentioned how you hadn't even attempted to write any more of your novel."

"Yeah…" he sighed. "I just lost all insight, I guess," he said. "Without the team together, all inspiration for the novel just disappeared."

Ziva grinned. "What do you mean?"

McGee just gave her a look. "You know what I mean. The team—our team—is the inspiration for the novels and without the entire team, writing seemed impossible. It _was_ impossible. How could I write about the banter between Tommy and Lisa without you as inspiration? How could I write about the bubbly forensic scientist Amy when half of the time her counterpart was solemn and refusing to work until we got you back? I just couldn't do it."

"May I offer you a suggestion as to where your next novel should go?" Ziva asked.

"I'll take anything," McGee laughed.

"Well, first of all, I think that Officer Lisa should become Special Agent Lisa. And, once she is an agent, she should be sure to have regular coffee dates in the pavilion with her favorite computer geek," she laughed.

"And maybe new _Probationary_ Agent Lisa," he said with emphasis, "and Agent Tommy will get it through their thick skulls that they're meant for each other and that they should just kiss and get it over with," McGee mocked.

"Only if a certain Probie and forensic scientist do the same," Ziva grinned as she stood and pulled her boat tighter around her body.

"I'll keep that in mind," McGee laughed as they began to walk back to the bullpen, their laughter filling the chilly December air. "I'll keep it in mind…"

* * *

"With the grain, Ziver. _With._"

Ziva smiled as she switched her strokes and began to sand the boat in the proper direction. "Now I know why you build so many of these," she laughed. "It is very relaxing."

"Why aren't you with Tony?" Gibbs asked as he pulled a chair out and sat on it to watch her.

"He and McGee are having a boy's night out, I believe," she smiled as she continued to stroke the wood.

"Abby?"

"With the nuns."

"Oh," Gibbs replied. He wasn't sure why she had come to his house rather than stay at her place with a book, yet he wasn't complaining. He shoulder could sure use the break from sanding.

"What are you going to name this one?"

"Honestly?" Gibbs asked. "I was thinking Ziver."

She stopped sanding the boat and looked up at Gibbs, her eyebrows furrowed in contemplation. "You are thinking of naming it…after me?" she asked.

"Yeah. You keep the team afloat—without you, the team sunk. Seems fitting that the boat's got your name. Got a problem with that?" Gibbs asked.

"No," Ziva replied. "Of course not. It is just that…It is…" She continued to stammered, unsure as to what to say.

"Hey," Gibbs said, his voice firm yet caring. "Nothing's set in stone yet, so no need to get tongue tied."

Ziva let out a chuckle. "Yes, sorry."

Gibbs looked at her with a raised eyebrow and he didn't even need to say it. _Don't apologize. _

"So why'd you come here rather than just stay at your place and catch up on that reading you've been talking about?" Gibbs asked.

"I do not know," Ziva said with a shrug of her shoulders. "I suppose I just wanted to…I do not know," Ziva laughed. "I just kind of ended up here," she added.

"Well," Gibbs said as he stood up. "You're welcome here anytime, Ziver. Anytime," he added as he made his way back up the stairs.

* * *

**So, Gibbs is a man of few words and I tried to capture that. In my opinion, it's awful, but that's just me.**

**You know what to do! Hit that little green button!**

**^_^**


	21. Chapter 21

**Ohmigosh. Ohmigosh. Ohmigosh.**

**I am so unbelievably sorry that this has taken so long to get up! Exams and school and life have just been insane. **

**I am so sorry! You all have permission to slap me! (After reviewing, of course!)**

* * *

_So why'd you come here rather than just stay at your place and catch up on that reading you've been talking about?" Gibbs asked._

_"I do not know," Ziva said with a shrug of her shoulders. "I suppose I just wanted to…I do not know," Ziva laughed. "I just kind of ended up here," she added._

_"Well," Gibbs said as he stood up. "You're welcome here anytime, Ziver. Anytime," he added as he made his way back up the stairs._

"Do you know what tomorrow is, Zee-Vah?"

"No, I do not," she replied as she looked up from her paperwork. "But I assume you are going to tell me, yes?"

"Ziva!" Tony cried. "It's New Year's Eve, tomorrow!"

Ziva looked up at Tony, her eye brows furrowed. "And that is special because..."

"Don't tell me you've never celebrated New Year's Eve, before!" Tony said, feigning shock.

"Define 'celebrated,'" Ziva said with a laugh. "I usually stay up late to watch the ball drop, but that is the extent of my partying."

"Did you honestly just say what you celebrate New Year's Eve by curling up and watching creepy Anderson Cooper and the ball drop?"

"Is there something wrong with that?" Ziva asked. She had never given much thought to her New Year's activities.

Before Tony got the chance to reply, a gruff voice rang in the bullpen. "There's something wrong with you guys just sitting around and not finding our killer!" Gibbs yelled.

Both Tony and Ziva dropped their conversation and began to frantically type, trying to find a lead that would get their boss off their backs.

Ziva rolled her eyes when she saw a little window pop up in the corner of her computer screen telling her she had new mail.

_To: ZDavid_

_From: ADiNozzo_

_Subject: New Year's_

_I can't believe that you've never had a true New Year's celebration! I'm gonna change that this year, kay?_

Ziva grinned and looked up at Tony who was sending her one of his thousand watt smiles.

_To: ADiNozzo_

_From: ZDavid_

_Subject: RE: New Year's_

_I have had a celebration, just not one that would match one of yours. And really, Tony, I do not want you to go to any trouble. I am perfectly content with staying in tomorrow night. _

Tony shook his head when he read her reply.

_To: ZDavid_

_From: ADiNozzo_

_Subject: RE: New Year's_

_We're having a celebration. End of discussion. =D_

* * *

"So, my dearest sweet cheeks," Tony said as the two of them were on their way home. It was almost 11 at night and Gibbs had finally let them go, seeing as how they were running on nothing but caffeine and adrenaline. "Do you have any ideas for our big New Year's celebration?"

"I do not see why we must have a celebration," Ziva replied. "I would be perfectly content spending the night with you in bed," she said with a grin.

"Nuh-uh!" Tony laughed. "You can be as seductive as you want, but it won't work. We're gonna have our celebration on the town and _then_ we can come home and get into bed."

Ziva sighed and gave up trying to change his mind. She realized arguing with him was pointless and she would never change his mind. In reality, she actually was looking forward to getting dressed up and spending the night out with Tony.

"Well then," Ziva began with a smile. "If we are not going to spend New Year's as I am used to, how exactly will we be spending it?"

"I've got a few ideas," Tony grinned as he pulled up to their apartment building.

"Would you care to share them with me?" Ziva asked as the two of them began to walk into their building.

"Nope," Tony said simply.

"And why is that?" Ziva asked as they entered the elevator and began to ascend to their apartment.

"Then it wouldn't be a surprise," Tony grinned as he stepped out from the elevator and approached their door. "And I know how much you love surprised," he added with a smirk.

Ziva sighed as she followed Tony into their apartment and removed her coat.

"You know I do not like surprises," she said as she walked into the kitchen to make them a late midnight dinner. "So why do you insist upon having them?"

"Because of the way your face lights up when you see what the surprise is. It's the most beautiful sight in the world," he whispered in her ear as he wrapped his arm around her waist.

Chills rushed up Ziva's spine as his breath tickled her ear. She let her head fall backwards onto his shoulder as he placed gentle kisses on her neck.

"Suddenly I am no longer hungry," Ziva breathed as his hands traced patterns on her abdomen.

"Good," he grinned as he pulled away and took her hand. "Me neither," he added as they made their way to the bedroom.

* * *

The next night, Ziva and Tony found themselves sitting on the steps of the Lincoln Memorial, sipping cocoa and awaiting the fireworks that would light up the sky.

"Thank you for tonight," Ziva smiled as she watched the children scurry around the open grass, anxiously awaiting the fireworks.

"What do you mean?" Tony smiled. "I was just celebrating New Year's like I always do."

"Really?" Ziva asked as she turned to face him, an eyebrow raised. "You spend your New Year's at The Melting Pot, a fantastic fondue restaurant, and then strolling along the National Mall while waiting for fireworks?"

"Well…Uh…" Tony stammered.

"My point exactly," Ziva laughed as she sipped her cocoa out of the Styrofoam cup. "You did not have to do this. We could have partied which I'm sure is how you always spend it."

"Ziva," Tony said. "I didn't want to party or hang out with my buddies or go to a club with Abby. I wanted to spend it with you," he smiled.

"I am sorry. It just feels odd to have someone do all of this for me. To plan these special outings just because," she sighed as she rested her head on his shoulder.

"Well get used to it," Tony laughed nervously. "So, ya know they say that how you spend your New Year's is how you're going to spend the rest of your year."

Ziva smiled as she sipped her cocoa, her head still relaxing on Tony's shoulder. "Well then I cannot imagine a better way to spend my New Year's. In the arms of my perfect, smart, and oh so sexy boyfriend," she laughed.

Tony heart began to race when she said that. "Uh, Ziva. About that…" he said setting his cup down on the stair beside him. "I don't think that I can be your boyfriend anymore…"

* * *

**HeeHeeHee**

**So, this chapter was short and pretty boring, but at least I got something up! I'm thinking one more chapter of this, then an epilogue of sorts. **

**I've got a sequel type thing planned in my head, but any suggestions will be taken into consideration and I'll almost certainly incorporate your ideas into the story!**

**Hit that little green button!!!**


	22. Chapter 22

**You guys are the best! So many reviews—I feel so loved and like my writing doesn't suck! LoL**

**You guys rock!**

**3**

* * *

"_I am sorry. It just feels odd to have someone do all of this for me. To plan these special outings just because," she sighed as she rested her head on his shoulder._

"_Well get used to it," Tony laughed nervously. "So, ya know they say that how you spend your New Year's is how you're going to spend the rest of your year."_

_Ziva smiled as she sipped her cocoa, her head still relaxing on Tony's shoulder. "Well then I cannot imagine a better way to spend my New Year's. In the arms of my perfect, smart, and oh so sexy boyfriend," she laughed._

_Tony heart began to race when she said that. "Uh, Ziva. About that…" he said setting his cup down on the stair beside him. "I don't think that I can be your boyfriend anymore…"_

* * *

Ziva's head shot up when she heard Tony's words.

"What?" she managed to say, trying to keep her voice from wavering.

"I just don't think that I can handle being your boyfriend anymore…"

Ziva thought she knew how it felt to have her heart broken, yet hearing Tony tell her that he wanted to leave her was more than she could handle. She pulled herself away from him.

"And you decided to tell me this on New Year's Eve when we are supposed to be having fun?" she asked, her voice a mixture of anger and sheer heart break.

"Ziva, let me finish, please," he said reaching his hand out to touch her arm.

She flinched at his touch, yanking her arm from his reach. "Do not touch me," she said as she felt tears sting the corners of her eyes.

"Sorry," he smiled as he turned his body to face her. "Ziva, do you know why I can't be your boyfriend this year?"

"No, but I am sure you are going to tell me, yes?"

"You know me too well," Tony laughed as he ran his hands through his hair. "Zi, we've been through so much these past five years, and especially this past year. You've gone through so much with Somalia and cutting and dealing with all of that and…Being with you and watching you grow stronger every day has been something I've loved."

"Then why are you doing this?" Ziva asked as she glanced at her watch, noting that midnight was less than 15 minutes away. Tears were welling in her eyes and she willed them away.

"Let me finish," Tony laughed. "You're one of the strongest people I know, Zi. You've been through so much and yet you're still my resilient ninja assassin. But, Ziva, you can't always be strong. You're going to have weak moments and you're gonna need someone who'll always be there for you--"

"And what if I want that person to be you?!" Ziva said, her voice rising in pitch. She stood up, putting distance between her and Tony. Her desire to drag a razor across her arm was growing stronger by the second and she thought it was going to overpower her.

"Wait," Tony said, grabbing her arm before she got the chance to run.

"Why?" Ziva asked as she stood facing away from Tony.

"I don't want to be your boyfriend this year because…Well, I want you to be my wife," Tony said gently. "I want to be that person who's always there. I want to be the only man you think about and I want you to be the only woman I think about. I want to be your rock."

Ziva slowly turned around to face him and took a step backwards when she saw that he was bent onto one knee with a black velvet box in his hands open to reveal a delicate silver ring with three small diamonds—well, _rocks_—on the top.

"Wh—What?" she stammered.

"Zivaleh Rebekka David, will you make me the happiest, most ecstatic man on the planet and marry me?"

This time Ziva could not stop the tears that came flooding from her eyes. She could barely see the silver ring that lay in the small box.

"Only on one condition," she managed to say through her tears.

"Anything," Tony smiled.

"You never, ever, _ever_ scare me like that again."

"I think I can do that," he replied as he stood up and slipped the ring on her finger. "I love you, Ziva."

"God, I love you, too," she said as she took his face in her hands and pulled his lips to hers in a fiercely passionate kiss.

The newly engaged couple stood on the steps of the memorial, lips locked for what felt like forever. Suddenly, the two pulled apart when they heard a familiar voice coming from above them.

"She said yes! She said yes! She said yes!"

Ziva looked up the steps to see Abby bounding down the steps, arms already outstretched as she drew nearer.

"You invited her?" Ziva asked, her eyebrows furrowed.

"And the rest of the team," he added with a grin.

"How did you know that I would not say--?"

She couldn't finish her sentence. She was engulfed in one of the strongest hugs she had ever received and, surprisingly, was returning the hug just as fiercely as Abby was giving it.

"Ziva, I'm so happy for you! Omigosh, that is the most perfect ring!" she exclaimed as she grabbed Ziva's hand and examined the ring. "Tony!" she cried as she spun around to hug him. "That ring is perfect!" she laughed.

"Let DiNozzo breathe," a voice came from behind them.

"Gibbs!" Abby cried. "She said yes!"

"I got that, Abbs," he smiled. "Congratulations, Ziver," he smiled as he wrapped her in a hug. "Rule 12 is out the window then, huh?" he whispered in her ear with a chuckle.

"I guess so," Ziva replied before pulling away to give McGee his own hug, then moving on to give one to Ducky.

"I'm assuming I don't have to tell you that if you break her heart, I break your neck, right?" Gibbs said as he looked at his senior field agent, an arm wrapped protectively around Ziva's waist.

"Yeah, I think I got that from our earlier conversation, boss," Tony laughed.

Ziva raised an eyebrow at Tony before leaning into his ear. "Earlier conversation?" she whispered.

"Tell you about it at home," he smiled as he kissed the top of her head.

"Guys!" they heard Abby yell. "Only one minute left until midnight!"

The team stood on the steps, listening as the mass of people began to count down to the New Year.

Suddenly the once black sky was filled with the sounds of exploding fireworks and brilliant colors.

"Happy New Year!" the team hollered as they all raised their coffee cups—or Caff Pows!—and cheered in the New Year.

"Happy New Year, Tony," Ziva smiled up at him.

"Happy New Year, Ziva DiNozzo," he laughed as he placed a tender kiss on her lips which elicited and "awwwww," from the entire team.

When the two of them continued the kiss well past what would be considered chaste, the team members slowly began to leave. Their departure went unnoticed by the couple as they stood on the steps of the memorial, their mouths attached.

"We should take this home," Ziva breathed as she pulled away for the oxygen her body had been deprived off.

"I agree," he smiled as he took her hand in his and began their walk home.

"Ziva David-DiNozzo," she said as she huddled close to him for warmth. "I like the sound of it."

"Me too, sweet cheeks. Me too…"

* * *

**So, the next chapter isn't exactly gonna wrap things up, but it will set up for the sequel I've got planned in my head. **

**Thanks for all the awesome reviews, guys! I know having Tony propose wasn't a huge shocker, but I just had to put it in there.**

**Hit the green button and let me know what you think and what you want in a sequel!!!**

**3**

**p.s. This is Ziva's ring: **

**./2008/08/18k_white_gold_aquamarine_diamond_engagement_**


	23. Final Author's Note!

**Wowzers.**

**This segment of the story is done. I never thought I'd get to 22 Chapters, but with readers like you guys, it's been a piece of cake! ^_^**

**I've got the sequel planned and hopefully I'll have it up by the weekend. I've got scholarship applications and Crime and Punishment to read and a ton of other stuff.**

**This is a quick throw down of the sequel: When an under cover op goes terribly wrong, Ziva has three choices. Wake up and return to cutting, wake up and allow herself to be weak and vulnerable, or not wake up at all.**

**It will start off very dark and with Ziva struggles, but have no fear! Tiva conquers all!**

**Remember!!!! Any ideas you have for sequels—or any story, I suppose—comment or message me and I will for sure write them! I might even write a special one shot just for you! HeeHeeHee**

**3 3 3**


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